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In a very bad place right now...

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atoz13 posted 8/11/2013 12:08 PM

I've been with my WH 13 years, married for 9. Since we were dating, I've always had issues with him emailing with other women (exes, classmates, etc). After we were married, I even found out he'd slept with one of my childhood friends while we were still dating. I loved him...A that's why I chose to forgive him every time.

Fast forward to today and we've been having problems since I found out he'd been sleeping with a coworker a few months ago. He'd cut off all contact from her; but after we'd gone on vacation, I saw on his phone that he had an email from her. I opened his phone and saw many emails dating back over a month. He's started talking to her again.

To add way more insult to injury, he left me here...Still on vacation...And said he needed alone time to think about what he wants for his life and everything. I agreed, knowing I needed time alone, too. I made him promise me that he was definitely going to be alone and not with her. Not sure why I even bothered to do that, because guess where he is??

So here I am, on the opposite coast from where he is. Alone. I've never felt so stupid in my life. He texted me this morning saying he misses me. I told him I know where he is and this is the last time he will ever hurt me like this.

I was willing to forgive him of everything he's done; I really do love him that much. ..But I can't tolerate the lies and deceit. We were best friends, told each other everything...And he does this to me.

I hate that I found this site, but I'm thankful that it's here so I have someone to talk to. I don't know what I want to do as far as my marriage goes, but I know that I don't want to talk to him or see his face for the foreseeable future. Words can't express the pain I'm in...

kernel posted 8/11/2013 13:04 PM

((atoz)) Welcome to the best club that no one ever wants to join. Keep reading and posting. Make sure you check out the Healing Library. Scroll down a page or two in Just Found Out for some really good reads, like using the 180. Protect yourself and see a lawyer, so that you know how best to take care of yourself and any kids.

I found it really helpful to talk to some friends about what was happening to me. It helps so much to have someone on your side, that will help you through this. That could be a friend, family member, a counselor, a pastor.

In the meantime, take care of yourself physically. You need to do that so you can make rational decisions for yourself - at least as rational as possible in this situation. ((atoz))

caregiver9000 posted 8/11/2013 13:57 PM

(((hugs))) to you. I am sorry you are facing this awful truth while on "vacation." I hope you can get back home and to a support group that you can lean on in this difficult time.

meaniemouse posted 8/11/2013 14:23 PM

I'm so very sorry you found yourself here but considering what you are going through, and what you will likely experience over the next days and weeks, it's good you found SI.
All of us have been where you are and most of us have survived and thrived despite thinking we might not make it through the day.
It sounds like you have made a lot of allowances/excuses for your husband over the last 13 years even though he appears to need the attention of other women for whatever reason. Believe me, I get it because I was married to someone like that for 25 years. I know what it's like to feel stupid, hurt, humiliated and taken advantage of. It took me a long time to finally decide I had enough; that there was simply not enough good things about the relationship to justify being treated that way for one minute longer.

I don't know anything more about your situation than what you've written here. I don't know if you have children, a job/career, a strong support system or if you will ever come to grips with the idea that you can love someone with all your heart but that does not mean they will love you enough to stop hurting you.

Forgiveness is a wonderful gift but you have to decide if giving it is worth what it will cost you, especially knowing that forgiving him in the past seems not to have stopped the behavior but perhaps instead reinforced it.

I do know that you must, must, must think of yourself first. There is no one that will look after your interests more successfully and consistently than you will. You have to take a good look at yourself, your husband and your relationship and decide if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. You are his WIFE and he has left you on your vacation to be with another woman. Seriously, what kind of person does that?

Again, I am so, so, sorry that you have found yourself here but it's a good place to be when you're in this situation. Lots of wisdom, support, encouragement and care and concern. Take advantage of it. There's lots of good reading material, lots of opinions/advice about the issues that loom large once infidelity has become a part of your life. But most of all there is hope and stories of people who have had their hearts and lives stomped on in the worst way possible and were able to come out on the other side, happier, healthier and feeling very positive about themselves and their lives. You can be one of those people. Truly, you can.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 8:19 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

84CF posted 8/12/2013 02:19 AM

Your story sounds very similar to my own. My "incredibly, incredibly sorry for what she has done" WW is currently with her OM. It is the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. Everyone I know is asleep or unreachable. The person to whom I have turned for 13 years does not care.

I understand what you are going through.

Jrazz posted 8/12/2013 02:28 AM

Welcome to SI. You're not alone, and you're certainly not stupid.

Take care of yourself, and just focus on breathing and getting through the tough moments.

Check out our healing library in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the page. There's lots of information about the physical and emotional fallout of all of this. Considering this isn't your first rodeo, it would be good for you to look into how to break free from this toxic relationship until he expresses true remorse and real work to change his ways.

Most importantly, know that you're going to be ok. This isn't your fault, and you don't have to stay if you don't want to.

We're here for you.

atoz13 posted 8/12/2013 07:53 AM

Thanks, everyone, for the the support. A couple of hours after I started this thread, he called me to tell me how sorry he is for doing this and he wants to make things right. I told him I wasn't entertaining anything he said as long as he was there with her. If he starts putting his words into action, then I will consider hearing him out. Until then, I'm going to focus on me.

A bit more background: we have no children and we're in our 30s.

dargirl posted 8/12/2013 08:00 AM

Like everyone else has mentioned YOU are not alone, I too forgave my husband before and just recently he disrespected me again.. he is begging for forgiveness now.. one thing I have learned in the last few weeks is that this is NOT about you.. it is about their selfishness- you don't have to make any decisions about your life today, tomorrow or even next week, or month.. take this time to figure out what YOU want out of life.. think of YOU.. take care of YOU.. do things that make you feel good even when it seems impossible.. I know..
all I have been doing lately is sleeping- but I make myself do the smallest things for me... ie getting nails done, etc. also I saw this amazing quote today re actions...
my husband also goes on and on with words....
letters, etc etc.
Quote- Action expresses priorities" Ghandi
his actions will determine what is important to him..
wishing you all the best and always here to talk, vent, scream , cry ok
take it day by day that is what I am doing too...

Healing2012 posted 8/12/2013 11:19 AM

you don't have to make any decisions about your life today, tomorrow or even next week, or month.. take this time to figure out what YOU want out of life.. think of YOU.. take care of YOU.. do things that make you feel good even when it seems impossible.

I couldn't have said it any better.

You will find lots of support here. Hang in there...

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