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Stung by someone not ready to date

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phmh posted 8/11/2013 12:39 PM

Had an amazing three week relationship (feel kind of funny calling it that because it was so short) with a great guy. He'd just asked me to be exclusive, and then we ran into his ex at a festival. They didn't talk, and I'm not sure she saw him. They'd only been together 9 months and broken up for 5. This sent him into a tailspin, and he broke things off with me last week, saying it wasn't fair to me as he's not over her. He's going to therapy to figure it out and says he just needs to be single for a long time.

I was pretty bummed last week, but am fine now. I was definitely starting to have feelings for him, and getting excited about the various plans we'd made.

It just makes me angry because I took time alone, got my shit together, and then have to navigate through all the people who don't do so. Even looking back on it, no clues about this until he saw her. Don't go on OLD if you are not ready to date!!!

Back on the horse -- have a first date tomorrow after work planned.

better4me posted 8/11/2013 13:11 PM

I've had 3 or 4 similar experiences (not the festival and seeing the ex, but ykwim)! And my thought each time is also--
"Really? If you aren't ready to date/over the ex/ then why are you OLD then?"

[This message edited by better4me at 1:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

better4me posted 8/11/2013 13:13 PM

Back on the horse -- have a first date tomorrow after work planned.
When I first read this I thought, "phmh is giving up on dating and starting horseback riding instead?"

cmego posted 8/11/2013 14:06 PM

Uggg. Sorry...

Yes, I have definitely learned to stay away from someone fresh out of a relationship...although 5 months post a 9 month relationship doesn't sound too bad. Did you have any hint that he wasn't over the ex?

I really think that a large percentage of people think that dating is the "cure" for loneliness. It is more rare to find someone who takes the time to learn from the past and heal/grow before getting back in the saddle again.

tesla posted 8/11/2013 14:06 PM

When I first read this I thought, "phmh is giving up on dating and starting horseback riding instead?"

That sucks, phmh. But at least he didn't try to work through it on his own while still dating you. Have fun on your new first date

cayc posted 8/11/2013 14:07 PM

Hmm, a 9 month long relationship. Broken up for over 5 months ... so in approximately 3 months you'll have been broken up for longer than the relationship was? Dude if you're that emotionally weak, I feel sorry for you.

Glad you had fun summer fling then phmh. And glad you're not dissuaded from going out and finding a fully formed adult to date lol.

Survivor3512 posted 8/11/2013 16:37 PM

(((Phmh))) I just had a short relationship (2 months) end as well for similar reasons. Not that he isn't over his ex, but he still has issues he needs to work through. He is not ready for a relationship. It hurts, but its better to find out now than several more months down the road. Good luck on your next date!

fraeuken posted 8/11/2013 16:51 PM

Getting in line right behind you.

I guess I just experienced that too in some way, possibly not involving an ex but unresolved issues. It sucks, having done my homework and having been ready to move on. In my case I felt I could really trust again, I guess he could not.

Hang in there.

phmh posted 8/11/2013 19:46 PM

Thanks, all. I had a great day today and am feeling even better about things. I had something similar happen the first time I tried OLD, but it was after three dates that he needed time to sort things out.

Did you have any hint that he wasn't over the ex?

None at all. We'd talked briefly about exes and she was his shortest serious relationship. I figured if you've been broken up more than half the time you were together, no problem. And cayc, I had the same thoughts as you. Really dude? I know I dodged a bullet!

He said he didn't realize how much he wasn't over her until he saw her. I really think he is one of the good ones, and I am glad he broke it off with me when he realized he couldn't be a good partner, but it still is frustrating. There were other reasons we wouldn't have made a good long-term match, so it's not like I was picturing marrying him, but he'd made some fun future plans of things I was looking forward to doing. Now I will do them with someone else (friends/family if I'm still single.)

b4me -- last week I would have thought exchanging dating for horses would be a good idea, but now I'm excited to get back out there and find a real man.

EvenKeel posted 8/12/2013 07:33 AM

I really think that a large percentage of people think that dating is the "cure" for loneliness.

I agree. That combined with people in their lives giving .02 cent advice like: "You have been moping long NEED to get back out there!"

So they give it a whirl.

Either that or they "think" they are ready.

I try not to be too hard on them - I was 'them' once.

phmh posted 8/21/2013 18:23 PM

Thought I should update. We were NC for a little over a week.

Then, he sent me an e-mail apologizing again and elaborating a little more. I responded, saying that I understood, thanks for the great memories, and once he feels healed, feel free to contact me and perhaps the timing might work out (I said this more elegantly and made it clear I wasn't waiting around for him.)

He contacted me two days after the e-mail, saying he'd like to talk, he misses me, thinks he may have given up too quickly, etc. Quoted Gabriel Garcia Marquez (about to put the quote in my tagline) on the fly.

We met the next day and had a great, long talk. So authentic. He said the feelings he had for his ex were anger and hatred and he didn't think he should date until he was at complete indifference. But he thought about things a lot while we weren't in touch, and he'd like to give us a real shot, etc., etc.

Normally, I would have just moved on, but there is something special about this guy. So we're giving it another shot. Have seen each other twice, and it's been great. Going to an event his work is sponsoring tomorrow; have weekend plans already.

Not sure how things will work out and, like with anyone, I'm watching to make sure that actions match words. So far, they have.

ETA: Just reread my last post. He actually told me at the time that seeing her "stirred up emotions" which I took to mean feelings for her, but he meant as feeling unsettled by the anger/hatred he felt. Still on guard, as I would be with anyone in the beginning, but so far, so good.

[This message edited by phmh at 6:25 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

Bebba1171 posted 8/21/2013 19:24 PM

I am jealous of this guy and also happy for you!

better4me posted 8/21/2013 20:08 PM

yea. just yea. Thank you for updating. I hope it works out, and it sounds like you know you will be okay no matter what happens. Isn't that a great thing to know.

btw Love the quote

lostmommy posted 8/22/2013 13:16 PM

Such happy news in NB today! Squee!

phmh posted 9/18/2013 09:40 AM

Another update -- and one in which I remind myself that it's always so easy to give good advice and not always so easy to follow it (As I frequently recommend people read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken when they're thinking of getting back together with someone.)

The first couple of weeks were great, then we both had weekend plans out of town and were busy during the week, so didn't see each other as much.

He realized that he does need more time to work through things. It's just unfortunate timing. He kept saying that it wasn't me at all -- that I'm everything he's looking for in a partner -- etc. That he's probably going to be really angry at himself later for giving up on us.

He's just still so angry and is having nightmares which affect his mood for days after, about his ex. It's just unfair to me since I am healed and ready for a real relationship.

I'm bummed, but not as sad as I was last time. We gave it our best shot and I know that sometimes timing is bad. I'm glad we ended it so that I can move on, instead of getting tangled up with someone who's currently emotionally unavailable. I feel relief more than anything.

I had taken today off of work even before I knew we were breaking things off, so I'm going to go for a long run, hang out with my parrots, run some errands, and have a great day.

Sad in AZ posted 9/18/2013 09:50 AM

Wow; what a rollercoaster. At least you enjoyed the ride

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