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R is no longer a possibility We are headed for D.

WW wants to live alone to find herself. In trying to divide things up I said one thing that would be necessary is that she change her name back to her maiden name.

She is currently begging me to reconsider this. Her reason is that she "grew "in our marriage and does not feel like the old name is her anymore. My position on it is that if you don't want to be marid to me you don't get my name.

Anyone else ever deal with this. There are no kids so that is not a consideration.

Gently, her name is her business. Not yours. You have no right to tell her what she should be named.

I understand your feelings about this. Speak to your attorney, I know a man who requested the judge order his now xw to go back to using her maiden name and he did. Best of luck to you.

Although I totally understand your reasoning, I doubt you will be able to "force" her to change it, just like many of the WS that ordered their BS's to change theirs...it's legally their name now, and it isn't up to you if she gets to keep it or not.

I haven't changed mine yet. Yes, part of my reasoning was my kids, which I know you don't have, but there are other reasons.

It's their name professionally, and what people know them as. Maybe their maiden name was hard to pronounce or spell, or was associated with something unsavory.

I know you feel like she took your name under false pretenses, and although you can ask her to change it, I think it's going to totally up to her.

I kept my married name. Many people thought I was going to change back since we weren't married very long. I didn't see a point in going through all of that hassle. I figured I'll just change it after I get married again. Plus, I have a couple of kids and it's easier to have the same name.

My aunt has been married 3 times. She kept her first husband's last name since that's the one she grew into her career with.

I said one thing that would be necessary is that she change her name back to her maiden name.

Legally, you have zero say in whether or not she changes her name. Focus on things you can control and that have impact on you - finances, division of property, etc.

I know this feels very personal to you, but realize that it is not somehitn you can control.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from but I don't think you can force her.

I would suggest you pick your battles.

If she is begging you to reconsider you should do so - and use it as a bargaining chip.

My advice is to get it all divided and locked in ASAP in order to get as much of what you want out of this when you walk away.

Please know I am not minimising this issue - I would be LIVID if the sad clown had my name and tried to keep it. I changed back to my own name pretty quickly.

But in D you need to try to keep emotions separate - emotions make this all far messier and more expensive than it needs to be.

I can understand how you wouldn't want to share your name with her, especially if there aren't children.

However, she can choose any name she likes.

I fully understand I can't force her to do anything. Indeed i could not force her to not make th choice to betray me eother. I did not ask her to take my name in the first place. Her name is much easier to spell and pronounce than mine.

I guess I can chalk it up to just one more thing taken from me.

I guess I can chalk it up to just one more thing taken from me.

'

What do you feel is being taken from you if she chooses to keep the name?

At least where I live, changes for names come up on the initial papers that are filed for divorce. It's a brief two-line item and there are people I know who have actually missed it and had to keep their name, those who didn't have money to change it the other way.

Unfortunately I think it may be each of our choices.

I'm sorry for the disagreement with her and that you will continue to have the connection if she does keep it long term.

I've also heard of people who change their mind later and actually save up money to do it the other ways.

A funny-ish story...my mother kept her first married name for a time, but then couldn't stand her mother in law and as more drama went on between them, she finally got the money together and changed it to her maiden name. Then, she got remarried and changed her name to match #2 and was cheated on so didn't want THAT name! and finally took a while to save the money to change it back again! Luckily, we children are old enough to not be affected by it.

At one point during these changes, she got hurt and I had to collect her from the emergency room. Well, because the paperwork was in flux and she was on medication (and/or possibly drinking?), she couldn't be found on paper, so I had to walk the halls until I found her on a stretcher all taped up. It was the shoes and purse I recognized!

Suffice to say, she now goes by her maiden name.

I wonder if she would ever change it again?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:25 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

FotH -

Do I have this right, your wife is the wayward spouse? If so, keeping her married name post divorce, with no kids, seems like an open invite for the karma bus to visit her over and over and over.

Once she comes out of the fog, it is possible that every time she signs her married name, she will be reminded she was your wife, and while married, SHE made the choices she did that lead to the divorce.

Imagine the conversations she will face too:

Person: "Where is your last name from? What is your family background?"

STBXW: "It is my husbands' family name. I kept it in divorce."

Person: "Oh. Why did you divorce?"

STBXW: "I cheated on him."

Person: "Ick. Why would you keep his name if you were unfaithful to him?"

etc. etc.

Unfortunately, while you can express a preference that she change her name, it is NOT something that you can require of her.

I was delighted to lose my married name. One of my kids has chosen to do so, too. The other is just waiting to marry.

But no, you can't make name change a condition of divorce.

I'm keeping my name because it is my children's last name and I'm not so attached to my maiden name that I'd want to go through the hassle of changing everything back to it. I've had my current name for the last decade and to me it's not a connection to Ex. He may be the reason I became that name but he has nothing to do with whether or not I keep it.

and use it as a bargaining chip.

^^^ This. She is giving you some power here - use it to get something you want.

The other option is to tell her that she can change her name to anything - it doesn't have to be her maiden name. There was a funny episode on Friends about it. Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

In Pennsylvania, changing the name at the time of the divorce is as easy as checking a box on the forms.

If you wait until after the D is final, you have to file a separate form - still a pretty simple process.

If you want to change your name to anything but your maiden name - it's a big deal. I would have preferred to take a totally different name, but chose to go back to my maiden because I was lazy.

Thanks for all the responses. As I said I know I can't force her to,change.

Luv2swim: yes you have it correct. Thank you for your response. I like the karma bus. She has said she wants to keep it because she "has immense feelings for me" and the "person she is today evolved into" the on with my name. It's this pathology I dont want associated with my name.

I guess what it comes down to,is it all makes me very angry and I needed to,vent.

Thanks again

[This message edited by FoolontheHill at 10:06 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

((((foolonthehill))))

((FoolontheHill)) Sorry you're hurting. This all sucks.