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Found Deceased WS Journal

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Vida posted 8/11/2013 15:03 PM

my WS passed away suddenly several months ago. Due to his relapses and drug addiction, the issue of infidelity came up in our marriage - both EAs and PAs. I let him know that even though he always denied everything, I'd stopped believing him. I also told him that it was difficult maintaining the intimate side of our relationship. He always 'understood' and was willing to wait until I felt better about the situation. I had also confronted him about what I believed was a sexual addiction due to his trying to hide his visiting of porn sites on the computer. He would also lie about what he was doing.
After he died, I had to look for insurance papers. He died suddenly and all of his papers were scattered in various locations around our home. I came across workbooks and journals that were part of his 12 step program recovery.
Needless to say, I came across an accounting of all of his activities with women, sex, deception that covered a period of 40 years. We'd been together for about 18 years. Everything I'd suspected and things of which I had no idea were written out in his own words.
I am totally devastated, depressed and in shock. And furious. But yet, I was the 'love of his life.'

Compartmented posted 8/11/2013 15:11 PM

Vida, I'm so sorry that you found all that and now are affected!! It's very traumatizing, even if he is no longer living. Forty years! Please take gentle care of yourself, and I hope you will consider counseling for yourself to handle this shock.

{{{ Vida }}}

Andthencraigslis posted 8/11/2013 16:10 PM

I was going to write "I can't imagine..." but I guess we all actually can. Hugs to you in this difficult time.

burnt_toast posted 8/11/2013 16:17 PM

Welcome to SI Vida.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Even though you must have expected some of it, the reality of it, the details, must come as a shock.

Is there someone you can talk to about this in real life? A frined, a relative, a support group, an IC? Since your WH is not here to receive your anger and your distress, you will need an outlet all the same.

Hand in there and post as much as you need.

k94ever posted 8/11/2013 16:28 PM

I'm sorry Vida. It hurts.

The hardest part of this will be learning to accept that you will never get answers or any type of closure.

I'm two years out from FWS's death and I'm only now coming to grips with this.

It ain't easy.



doggiemom12 posted 8/11/2013 18:28 PM

My late STBX committed suicide almost a year ago. I had moved out almost a year before that after I found his secret "affair stash" briefcase with the viagra and the love letters. Puke.

I never confronted him because our mediators told me it would make him easier to negotiate with if he was not aware that I knew. I was fine with that.

Then he killed himself and he left his iphone unlocked for me to have. All the pics and letters and whatnot - all there. Our entire marriage had been a lie and he was doing 4 women at the time of his death and they all called me. I let them all have it between the eyes. But I can never let him have it between the eyes.

I am getting over that mainly by being glad I am alive and he is not. I never have to deal with him again. I like that alot.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this now. Please get some good counseling. I did and it helped alot.


solus sto posted 8/11/2013 20:52 PM

((((Vida))) I'm so very sorry.

Gr8Lady posted 8/11/2013 21:33 PM

Devastating really does't adequately describe the magnitude of the pain of your discovery.
Overwhelming to have the confession from the grave while you are dealing with so much.

Vida posted 8/13/2013 17:08 PM

I just want to thank everyone who responded to my message. I did find a couple of meetings I can attend. I didn't realize that this was such a problem (I don't know why I didn't!). The lack of closure because of his death is..I don't even know what to call it. I'm glad i found this site. Thanks again- you've really helped me.

nekorb posted 8/13/2013 17:19 PM


Getting to Happy posted 8/13/2013 19:50 PM

((((Peace and strength ))))

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 19:55 PM

((( Vida )))

I am so so very sorry.

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