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Newest Member: flowerfarmer (61841)

User Topic: A large amount of affairs go undetected!
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This blows my mind. Look at how many of us are here and imagine that many BS never find out.

With my husbands affair I walked in a room they were in together and they Were standing much too close together for just friends. If I hadn't walked in that day I would have never suspected anything at all. Was there one magic bullet that got your antenna up? Could your WS's affair gone undetected?

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ 36070
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband made it a year and a half after ending it without me ever suspecting.

Discovery was by pure accident on my part. Granted I was very distracted the year he was having his affair with work and my father being ill.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, totally. Got an anonymous letter.

Only red flag was deleted texts. No change in behavior at all.

Now there is LOTS of change in behavior.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2313 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 34782
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't suspect a thing until he came home and said he thought we needed to separate. I thought his erratic behavior was due to job stress.

I never thought he would cheat.

Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never suspected his first two affairs. They were long over by the time I found out about AP #3 who I thought was #1. I still didn't know about the first two until a year after that.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe I read somewhere that the reason most affairs go undetected is that *most* of them take place in the early years of the marriage. You are much more likely to notie changes in behavior after many years of marriage.

While I did not "catch" WH for DDay #1 (I went looking because his behavior was suspicious), I now believe that he cheated before. Probably many times.

DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid

Posts: 15607 | Registered: Jun 2006
♀ 32122
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my exfiancé before my husband had cheated on me (thus why we never married) I knew some signs. Specifically turning the computer monitor away or closing browser windows when I came into the room.

This my wayward husband did. I sort of brushed it off. Then while searching his email sent folder for an email I had sent using his email (joint hobby interest used that email). I found an email he sent to ow1. That's when I knew for sure he was cheating.

I would like to think I would have seen signs even if I didn't read that email but he managed to have online personal ads and A's plus a PA after ow1 so, maybe not.

Me: BS 38
WH: 30 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons.
He had an EA with OW1 (coworker) and lots of online dating profiles.
DDay of PA with OW2 (also a co worker) October 19th 2010.
"The A is the wound, the lies are the salt" - Stronger08

Posts: 11540 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst thing about sex addiction is that it escalates. Even though I was in the dark about the early behavior, he got more and more blatant as he got more and more devoted to his addictions. He also got more careless, in what may have been, in his opinion, an attempt to blow his cover with me, so that I would find out, and then insist he stop, as he was incapable of stopping himself.
Truly sick thinking.

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6319 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ 38789
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always worried my husband would cheat on me with the woman he did it with because I knew he was attracted to her. I stupidly believed them both when they said they would never do that to me. One day I chose to surprise him at work for lunch with our son and as I was waiting in the turn lane to get onto the street his building is on, I see OW's ugly green van turn onto the street. At first I thought I was mistaken and she didn't turn toward WH work so I almost dismissed it but then I followed and saw where she parked. I asked my husband and of course he denied and said he thought maybe she was stalking him, which I stupidly believed. I knew something wasn't right and I asked OW point blank what was going on. She told me that I needed to ask my husband and that's when he finally confessed. Until I caught him, though I had worried about it, I never really thought he would do it, things were great between us, better than ever. If I hadn't gone to surprise him at lunch that day it would have continued I am sure of it. WH says he wanted out by that point, that the OW had begun to make him miserable, which I believe because I know her, but he was too afraid to end it completely because she kept threatening to kill herself or tell me.

Me: 31 BS
Him:33 WS
Dday 3+ years ago
2 sons

Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance and giving up on looking back.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 35624
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt something was off within a few weeks of when he first started to see her.

Didnt start poking around for a few more months. Felt I might just be going nuts.

WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 1035 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's last instance of infidelity ended in July or August 2012 and I only started to find out in February 2013.

I found out by anonymous email. WH only admitted one at first. Then in April I got the whole story (from him).


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true.

I have no idea how many my husband had before I caught on to him---at least a dozen years after he began cheating.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15345 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been married for 13 years, and over the past few weeks I've learned that his infidelity has spanned our entire marriage.

I guess I don't know any different.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
♀ 38873
Member # 38873
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out this year that my husband had an affair with my best friend 32yrs ago.

I didn't suspect at all and although it lasted only 6 weeks I am still in total shock. I feel my life with him has been a total lie

Me BS 56
Him WH 56
M 36yrs
A 32yrs ago with my then BF
DD 1 / DS 1
Who is this man ??????

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh had issues with online infidelity but I realized it was than that when I found condoms in his bag after a business trip

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
♀ 13154
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would anticipate many (MANY!) affairs go undetected. In my situation, I simply did not, or could not, recognize the OBVIOUS signs of infidelity.

I trusted my husband completely. I had no experience of him as a liar, or a cheat. I thought he was the most honorable man around. I knew him only as the devoted father, husband, community member. He was all of this for many years. But even when he started to change and was (I now recognize) so obviously having affairs, I could not see it as the truth.

It was not until he met his "soulmate" and fell in lourve, that he made certain I understood he was a liar and a cheat. Of course, even though he wanted to leave our family to be with her, he denied, denied and blame shifted, in the manner of all NPDs who do get caught.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married 24 years -
2 fantastic kids!

divorced 2009

D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married and still together (as far as I know).

Posts: 402 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The X always had female friends; OW was not unusual. If he hadn't suddenly gone silent about her, I probably never would have suspected. That was the catalyst that made me dig into his phone records, voicemail & prescription records. The rest is history.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The day my WH ended his A I found out. Not because he told me but because MOW showed up drunk at my door to throw his ass under the bus.

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never would have guessed my H had an affair. It was four years ago and i had no clue until he told me last month. I still dont fully believe it

Me-BS 35
Him-FWH 40
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew something was happening before he had the affair and even confronted him about his strange behavior. It kills me that I asked him and then he still went ahead. For example, before the affair, he went shopping for new clothes and started working out by himself. I typically buy his clothes and we always work out together. I confronted him on a weekend and said the following 1) I think you have a crush on a coworker, 2)what is going on with you, 3) is this is midlife crisis, 3) do not bring a third person into our marriage and 4) I want to fight for our marriage and not let it fizzle.

Guess what he did the very next day? Texted the coworker and asked her to meet him Tuesday night by Friday they had slept together.

He picked up his Viagra prescription and that was the final bullet. I had her name at 9:39AM Friday, they slept together at noon.

I would love to call him so many names right now, as I asked him to his face BEFORE and then hours afterward he contacts her.

I knew something was going on. I felt like I was in an invisible chess game.

This is the hot topic in MC, because I cannot get past it...

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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