SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Help me decipher this email from ex-sil

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

sparkysable posted 8/11/2013 17:20 PM

I just received this beauty from my ex-sil. A few things before you read:

xwh is her brother.

xwh was married before me, I was his 2nd wife. his kids, as long as I have known him, have hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. this was always explained away with him and his family crying Parental Alienation from his first wife.

ex-sil used to be my best friend, we LOVED each other, had the same sense of humor, etc.

she was the one who told me to put a gps tracking system in xwh's car.

D-day, she cuts me out of her life, turns against me, deletes me from FB, etc.

She then tells xwh that I put a gps tracking system in his car.

she became fb friends with ow right away, and invited ow and xwh to her house 6 hrs away from us for thanksgiving. we were still married at the time.

right before this email, she just got back from going on vacation with her husband and kids and xwh and ow. xwh had asked if he could take dd on this vacation, I said no because a.) he doesn't get overnights or vacations according to our decree and b.) he hardly ever sees her anyway, and she doesn't like being away from me for that long. a week is way too long and she would lose her mind.

Hello,

I am not sure if this is your email or not, but I thought I would try anyway.

I finally have a relationship with xwh's 3 oldest children. As I look back at the craziness that happened, I see where I was wrong. This may make no sense to you...but I will try to explain what I mean. I see dd, who I know my whole family loves, and they only see her when xwh gets her and brings her over. For whatever reason that bothers me. If I want to see her, I should be able to call you as well, I know you would let me see her. I don't understand why when a couple divorces, it gets like this, because I never wanted to be on a side. It makes me understand a little on how hurt the kids (she is referring to my former skids) were when no one called over there on there own to see the kids, without xwh. I know it would bother me if I was them. I can't blame *1st wife* for how she acted towards xwh, because I was not in her shoes. I will never agree with how he left her, or you. He still is my brother though, which makes things a bit difficult. With *1stwife* and the kids, we don't
talk about him, and I don't tell anyone what we do talk about. I was the only one invited to the weddings, (2 of the skids got married last summer) and I didn't tell anyone out of respect for the kids. It is not always easy keeping information from my family, but I do it because it is worth it to have them in my life.

*stupidnickname for dd* (I asked her what I should call her and that is what she said. Sometimes she corrects me that it is Princess *stupidnickname*) is so funny. I adore her, and love when we get to see her. She is so smart. It amazes me on how much she knows. She shows no fear, and is a ball of energy. She always gives me huge hugs, even though I know she would rather be running around, She is so stinkin cute. Sometimes I want to send her home with red dots, just because I know when you would see them you would laugh as hard as I do.(this is referencing a stupid inside joke we used to pee our pants over years ago)

The reason for this long and babbling email, is for DD....I want to see if I can call you when I know I will be in town to see her. I would even meet you and her at Barnes and Noble for coffee, or whatever you are comfortable with (*her daughter, my former niece* too, she misses you). I see how it was with the 3 kids,(my former skids) and I do not want to have that awkwardness with dd, or with you. I know I will never understand the hurt you went through, and no one should have to go through with that. In the end, you got the most amazing gift, dd. I am so glad you had her to help you through the tough times. You have done a great job with her, she is so smart.

I really hope you are well, and I hope you know that no matter how much time goes by we send good wishes your way.

Love, former sil

Thoughs? I suppose it would be fine if she wanted to see dd, but this strikes me as odd, especially the timing of this, 3 1/2 years later...right after she gets back from vacay with xwh and ow. plus, ex-sil lives 6 hours away in another state, it's not like she lives here. So why the sudden interest in seeing my dd? Am I being paranoid?

my thoughts are, this letter alone, you might think she is sincere, but all the other shit I gave as a background story definitely give it a different spin.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 8:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Take2 posted 8/11/2013 17:41 PM

I maybe over-extending the Actions -- not Words creed, but i now apply it to everyone:

she was the one who told me to put a gps tracking system in xwh's car. D-day, she cuts me out of her life, turns against me, deletes me from FB, etc. She then tells xwh that I put a gps tracking system in his car. she became fb friends with ow right away,

If you have very very few relatives, then maybe you don't want to limit your dd's family connections... but otherwise...

I wouldn't extend myself or even reply to this. My guess is xwh moaned about his contact with dd (blaming it on you of course) and dear sweet enabling SIL is stepping in to help him out.

You certainly don't need "friends" like her - and she isn't much of a role model for dd.

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.

PurpleRose posted 8/11/2013 17:45 PM

That would be a no-go for me. She basically threw you under the bus on Dday and didn't look back until now??

Ask yourself why you want to open yourself up to her crazy. If she had stayed neutral from the beginning I could see maintaining a relationship with her for the same of your dd.

But now? Now it's too late. You do not need this in your life. She can make arrangements to see your child through your ex, her brother.

Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2013 17:47 PM

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.

That's just about word for word what I was thinking.

ArkLaMiss posted 8/11/2013 17:51 PM

Crickets. She can go through her brother and see her when he has her for visitation. She's got a lot of nerve, imo!

hurtbs posted 8/11/2013 17:53 PM

This is really tough... I don't know your XILs or the family dynamic. While her email sounds really self serving, it does sound like she is trying to reach out and develop a relationship with her niece. I can appreciate that.

If it would not be too much of an inconvenience for you, I would encourage you to to her spend some time with DD. I am close with some of my aunts and uncles (not the child of divorce) - it's a nice relationship to have, especially in teen years. You have this grown up that you trust that isn't a parent - but they sitll have your best interest at heart.

Anyway, that's my two cents. I don't know how I would respond, probably something short like:

"I'm glad that you would like to stay in DD's life. Please let me know when you are in town and we'll try to get you guys together."

You don't have to stay friends with her.

sparkysable posted 8/11/2013 18:44 PM

I'm betting the plan next year is to use "auntie leverage" to get you to allow dd to go off with xwh, ow, and inlaws for vacation.
I NEVER thought of this? Why didn't I think of this? Of COURSE this is it!

solus sto posted 8/11/2013 19:56 PM

Yeah, I'm skeptical---but then, I have inlaws who never do anything without ulterior motive.

I would love for my children to have extended family who cared--but they don't.

An email like your FSIL's, after this length of time, seems suspect.

(Though I really, really wanted to be able to say, "Oh! How nice she wants to re-establish ties, because every kid needs extended family--and as much love as possible.)

sparkysable posted 8/11/2013 20:06 PM

That would be a no-go for me. She basically threw you under the bus on Dday and didn't look back until now??
Ask yourself why you want to open yourself up to her crazy. If she had stayed neutral from the beginning I could see maintaining a relationship with her for the same of your dd.

But now? Now it's too late. You do not need this in your life. She can make arrangements to see your child through your ex, her brother.


purplerose this is pretty much the way that I was thinking, exactly!

tesla posted 8/11/2013 20:19 PM

Without the backstory, I'd probably take it at face value and let them have an afternoon together the next time she is in town.

However, with the backstory...yeah, no thanks. Gonna take a little more than that.

dmari posted 8/11/2013 20:48 PM

I am not sure if this is your email or not, but I thought I would try anyway.

It's too bad that you changed your email address and didn't receive this email.

I agree with ex-sil on this point: You have done a great job with her, she is so smart.

Random thoughts posted 8/11/2013 20:58 PM

Crickets, its not your job to make sure your daughter has a relationship with your ex SIL, that's your ex's job and if he's to lazy not your problem.

Plus throwing you under the bus, deleting you from fb, inviting your husband and his gf to thanksgivings dinner really didn't bother her at the time, and it didn't bother her that she was helping to destroy your daughter's family.

She basically did the same thing with his other kids from his first marriage.

LifeIsBroken posted 8/11/2013 21:18 PM

And wouldn't your former SIL be the family 'heroine' if she could only get you to see the wisdom of reuniting your DD with xh's family. I would venture a guess this has nothing to do with your DD or even your xh but is more about former SIL becoming the family heroine. Don't give her the time of day. She showed her true colors when she abandoned you at a time when you surely needed real friends.

whatamidoing posted 8/11/2013 22:11 PM

Sucker here... I would be so happy that the SIL actually cared I would indulge
I have spent a year reaching out with crickets coming back at me always knowing my kids deserve as normal a family as possible even if it sucks for me and if any of my POS family got off their ass and tried, I would likely say thanks and see where it goes

Helen of Troy posted 8/12/2013 06:30 AM

I'd take a hybrid approach of the replies here.

"Dear x-sil,
I'm glad that you would like to be in DD's life. Please contact (your dumbass brother) so that you can arrange to visit her during his time."

You don't need to be involved here unless I'm missing some logistical facts. It's his family, his job. She is not your family nor even a friend anymore. Kids need adults who care about them, so I'd still encourage that, but keeping contact with her? Nope. Wash your hands of this.

SBB posted 8/12/2013 16:54 PM

I would act as if you didn't receive it but she is likely to keep trying - if so I'd do what the previous poster recommends.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.