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Had a fabulous weekend but I find I trigger terribly when I begin to feel "safe". When there's tension I feel as though no matter what ill be fine. But when I feel things are going really well I'm waiting for the axe to fall. I have never been a pessimist. Now I feel nervous when things are good. Anyone else feel this way or have advice?

Maybe you aren't letting yourself enjoy the good times. I do that.

Reminds mhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SPugT-rJzUe of Merle

that didn't work.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SPugT-rJzU

I definitely do this too. Its fear for me. Afraid even after this long I might find something new, afraid if I let myself be happy he might hurt me again. I'm trying to just stay present in the moment and I tell my wh when it happens. I guess we can't help but try to protect ourselves from this pain again...and of course, if we aren't really happy then we aren't risking anything. That's why you feel ok when things are tense...nothing is on the line, there is nothing to lose. Try to stay in that moment of happiness and let yourself feel it...the longer you let those feelings of happiness stay...maybe you will start to feel safe feeling that way. Jeez...I don't know if I made any sense right now...but I knew what I wanted to say. :)

I triggered for the 1st time last night...after 2 glorious days of family time, memories, smiling, random act of affection.

I'm guarded. I know there's more to come...just like I've "known" all this time that something was going on...

That's totally me. When things are going well, I remember how happy I was before, and how deceived I was. I don't trust the 'happy'... I am waiting for him to drop another bomb on me. My body physically feels it. I am afraid to be happy, because it means that he can hurt me again.

I get that too, I think part of it is the fear of being vulnerable. When I am pissed and angry I feel a sort power and control, when I am happy and have tender feelings towards fWH then I feel vulnerable... leads to triggering and then I get angry again and feel more in control... an endless stupid cycle...

Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. It's strange, he works harder than ever to prove he's the man I once believed in. He knew I was very ready to leave. I guess subconsciously I was doing a 180. I won't argue or change anymore. It either works or it doesn't. It worked very well this weekend. It was a little scary.