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Is He Even Interested?

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Averyhurtgirl posted 8/11/2013 18:14 PM

I have been very down and depressed today and the last several days.

It's been 14 months since DD and a few months ago I thoughts I saw light at the end of the tunnel.

I reconnected with a guy I once had feelings for; he lives in a different state and I saw him while visiting friends. We spent several hours talking in person. He said he dated here are there but did not feelings for anyone in terms of married. We talked, both agreed that we enjoyed the conversation, and even teased each other. He said he would email me regarding questions regarding my career and told me to email him directly if I wanted to.

So after a week of coming home, I emailed him, he checked the email but has not responded back. Its been 3 weeks since he viewed the email. I am wondering; is he not interested, is he just too busy in graduate school, is he waiting to come back home from his finals to email me, will he ever email me back?

I have been really depressed about it. I was very happy when I came back from my trip because I thought I finally reconnected with him and we hit it off. I thought there could be a future there. He had told my family that he once really cared for me and he dated but never seemed to have deep feelings for anyone else after me, its been several years. And it helped me get over my BS.

However, now I feel even worse than before and all of the pain of betrayal from my BS is coming back. I now feel rejected by 2 guys; one I was married to and 1 I wish I married.

The truth is that this guy is super nice, attractive, and has a lot going for him. He was really good to me, my family, and my child. I think he would make a good spouse and I once really cared for him. I would like to at least talk to him to see if were compatible as adults.

He also mentioned that he perfers to get on the phone and talk to someone directly rather than email/facebook.

Why hasn't he emailed me back, its been 1 month now. He's in a different state in graduate school but still.

Should I not waste my time trying to thinking about it?

I am working on myself tremendously.

Amazonia posted 8/11/2013 18:50 PM

If he were interested, he would have gotten back to you. You are obviously not a priority to him.

Have you ever read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"?

cmego posted 8/11/2013 18:58 PM

I'm fond of the saying, "If he doesn't stop at your station, then he isn't your train."

5454real posted 8/11/2013 19:00 PM

why don't you just call and ask him? I don't really see a downside to that.
either way, you'll have your answer.

I hope it's the one you want!

fireproof posted 8/11/2013 19:05 PM

I don't think you know for sure whether he is interested or not. You can be sure if he wanted to reach you he would.

I think the way you view things in your similar feelings with your ex says that you may not be ready for a relationship. If this guy has expressed emotion but for whatever reason has decided school, not sure how the relationship can work across states, not wanting to lead you on, etc he is showing you where he is at. Unless there was a commitment of one kind then he is being who he is- no reflection of you.

I know you are hurt and people would disagree but if you haven't heard and you are ok in just a friendship then I would write him back a light email just to check in. I have seen people go to the moon and back and I have seen the opposite. Depends on the person.

Focus on yourself and I don't know your story but you may find someone when you least expect it.

[This message edited by fireproof at 7:09 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/11/2013 19:40 PM

I agree that I am obviously not a priority in his life right now.

He may or may not be interested.

I am not ready to accept that he is not interested. I would definitely even be happy with a friendship. I will read the book, he is just not interested, thanks for the suggestion.

Fireproof,I think your right that I should either send him a light email or talk on the phone.

I was not expecting him to say he was interested. I still have 6 months before the divorced is finalized. I just wanted to keep the momentum going and the interaction going until I am ready to start getting to know someone better and talk more seriously in 6 months.

phmh posted 8/11/2013 19:59 PM

Please read that book before you make any moves. It may help you to frame your situation differently or come up with a different way to approach things.

After the guy I was seeing just broke things off, I reread it, as well as "Why Men Love Bitches," and then got a little mad at myself for not rereading them before dating again. Perhaps things would have gone differently.

EvenKeel posted 8/12/2013 10:28 AM

Please read that book before you make any moves.

I was also thinking of this book when I read your post. I think it should be mandatory reading for all divorcees. I read it that first year and I STILL use the logic in it.

It is a very light-easy read.

It basically says if he is not replying, it is because he doesn't want too. NO ONE is so busy they are unable to send a 10 second text.

I am actually going through this right now with someone and am using the same tactic...if he wanted to call me....he would be calling.


GabyBaby posted 8/12/2013 10:37 AM

You contacted him; he hasn't replied in weeks.
I think that says enough right there.

As someone who was going to school full time, working full time, AND raising my family all at the same time, I can tell you from experience. I dont care HOW busy someone is- they will make time for what is personally important.

You are not a priority to him. Don't contact him again.

InnerLight posted 8/12/2013 12:00 PM

No he is not interested. He asked you to email him with questions about career issues which is not an invitation to anything romantic. Then he didn't answer at all.

The downside to emailing him or a 'light' conversation on the phone is that you are giving the message that you accept inadequate communication and you will still make all the effort to connect. It's an unhealthy basis for a relationship and a path I think I qualify for a PhD in. It sucks. Don't go down this path. The books recommended will confirm this.

Sorry for your distress. But if a potential new relationship is the 'light at the end of the tunnel' then you have not yet taken your power back. Do that before starting a relationship and it will be a thousand times better than any relationship you have ever had before.

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/12/2013 23:29 PM

Thanks for the honest reponse you guys, it really help me accept that he is not interested. I know its common sense/logic however, it was just hard for me to let go of the idea in my head. Oh well.

What book are you guys referring to: He's just not that into you or Why Guys like bitches?

Innerlight, how would I get my power back in order to be ready for another relationships?

Also, to everyone, now that I have accepted that I am not a priority for him and he is not interested in starting a romantic relationship, what should I do if he emails or calls me?

Next week, he is going to come back from school for a 2 week break. If he happens to call or email during those 2 weeks, how should I respond? Or should I even respond?

InnerLight posted 8/13/2013 00:28 AM

Innerlight, how would I get my power back in order to be ready for another relationships?

I think whenever we think someone else holds the key to make us happy we give our power away. So, in reverse, what do you like to do that makes you happy? I don't mean happy as in a little buzz from a glass of wine or fav ice cream happy. I mean what makes your spirit sing.

Often you had a thread of this when you were a child and gave it up for adult responsibilities, so it helps to look at what made you happy as a kid. For me it was making stuff with arts and crafts, being in nature and traveling to see new things.

Even tho I'm as busy as anyone with work and other obligations I have invested time and money into developing my creativity and connection with nature. I've taken really cool craft classes, learned new skills, met like minded people, I've studied animal tracking and bird language, and I've even taught some classes myself. It's been a whole new side of me blossoming. I feel more my own person than ever before.

Early dating is full of anxiety and insecurity. There are so many unknowns with a new person. You need to have activities in your life that are so engrossing and absorbing that you can forget about the guy for hours and days. Otherwise you end up biting your nails by the phone and that is no way to live.

If you know what makes you happy on your own then you will more easily find a partner to share at least some of those things with. Another person can see you more clearly as your true self if you are able to see your true self.

Take some time to cultivate your happiness, and it will be easier to build a strong relationship in which you are happy.

It's a wonderful journey.

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/13/2013 00:39 AM

That is great advice inner light, thanks!

I was working on myself and then let myself go. I need to start working on myself again.

InnerLight posted 8/13/2013 00:52 AM

You're worth it!

LearningToRun posted 8/13/2013 01:47 AM

Go google the site "baggage reclaim"

Especially read the article "how to let go of a relationship that doesn't exist"

I know this because I've been there, done that- had to read it for me. A guy who is interested lets you know. Seriously.

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/16/2013 01:30 AM

I think I got some better answers today about him.

So a few months ago, his cousin asked me if I was interested in talking with him once I am settled and the divorce is over. She said she has been bugging him and teasing him about me. She said she asked him the same question. I asked her how he responded when she asked him that. She said he does think about me from time to time however, I am going through divorce and he is focusing on school so he does not know how things would work out.

For me, it was not the right time or moment for me and I brushed it off. In reality, I did not want to appear to be desperate. So when she asked me I just said no matter who the guy is I still need to think about it to make sure he is a good father for my child etc.

So today, I talked to that cousin after a very long time. She said she was bugging him about me again. That is when I told her that I do not think i responded appropriately when she asked me that night about him. I told her that I wasnt in the right place to talk about it at that time. I also said that this is something very personal that i do not talk to very many people about. However, once my divorce is over then I may be interested in talking to him. There were other people around so we did not get to talk much.

She also told me that she thought I wasnt interested in him that night. Now, it makes sense to me why he was distant from me when I saw him the next day. Also, he might not be responding to my email because he does not know if I am interested in him. I already hurt him once, then recently I pretended not to be interested.

Lets just see what happens.

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