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General :
Is this cheating ?

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 wify (original poster new member #40279) posted at 12:28 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

My husband has been acting very strange for awhile, so I decided to start checking his phone and internet history ect, I ended up finding out that he has been visiting a dating site.

I got a good friend of mine who works in IT to look into it and told me that he has been visiting the site quite often for months, should I concerned ? or confront him ? I'm confused, I don't want to lose my family of 3....help please, thanks

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6444089
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Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 12:31 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

To be blunt, you don't go to a dating site when you're married to just make friends.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Me: BS H: WS4 kids DD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

posts: 1084   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2012
id 6444093
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 1:05 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Yes. It is cheating. Men don't create accounts on dating sites to meet tennis partners.

They do it to have affairs.

Even if he has not advanced to physical affairs, devoting emotional energy to corresponding, talking with, doing ANYTHING AT ALL with women to whom he is not married is, in fact, CHEATING.

I'm so, so sorry.

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15630   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 6444124
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brokenblackbird ( member #29541) posted at 1:06 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Do YOU think it is cheating? Is this OK with you?

posts: 1455   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2010
id 6444128
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Clarrissa ( member #21886) posted at 1:11 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

FWW here. IMO if he isn't cheating now, he's looking to. As Flatlined said, you don't go on a dating site to make friends unless it's "friends with benefits". If you confront him, be prepared for minimizing and gaslighting - "it's not what you think" "just curious" "it's not *really* cheating if we 'just talk' and don't meet" etc. Bottom line is if he's giving attention to another woman that he should be giving YOU then it's cheating.

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2008   ·   location: A better place
id 6444132
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

ditto what previous posters said that even if he hasn't met anyone in person, it is cheating.

I would go a step furhter and say that in very rare circumstances do they not go and meet up with someone.

Be prepared for the:

"I'm just curious" or "I wanted to meet new people." This is not a friend's site.

I caught my XWH on Adult Friend Finder (a swinger's type site). He stuck to the "I was curious" and "It was just a lark." I believe he met with people on there.

Me - 40 something. WXH DDay 2006, Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15762   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 6444137
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sparklezombie ( member #40095) posted at 1:22 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

My wh started out with online dating sites, moved to online sites like aff, then moved to meeting up with women for sex. It's cheating and you should definitely be prepared for gas lighting. I strongly suggest setting boundaries and going to individual and marriage counseling

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

posts: 253   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2013   ·   location: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
id 6444144
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Jospehine85 ( member #35971) posted at 2:00 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

My WH started with looking on dating sites, then collecting phone numbers and emails in hotel bars while traveling. Eventually he hooked up with a conference whore (female attendee who sees an out of town conference as a chance to party and get laid) at a work conference.

Cheating? Yes. If he's not doing it with your knowledge and permission, he knows it is wrong and needs to be hidden. It is betrayal.

Me - BS
WH - old
Kids
Dday May 2012

posts: 1598   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2012
id 6444199
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RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 2:03 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

He is either actively cheating or setting the ground work to cheat.

Either easy this is a HUGE red flag.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 6444203
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 2:08 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Yes, it's cheating. I also think of this as setting the stage.

In my mind and some friends, soon as he got the idea to hit that key on his keyboard, it was cheating. I know it may be an extreme way of thinking, but it's thought of as going outside of your marriage at all.

And, very disrespectful to you, your family and children, if you have them.

I'm really sorry.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6444208
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kickboxer ( member #39858) posted at 3:46 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Absolutely.

My WH had multiple accounts on multiple sites, and engaged in at least 1 ONS with an OW he found through one of them.

And he says "I listed my status as married." As though that makes it okay. At least he's being honest with the OW. Because being honest with the OW is all that matters, I suppose.

But those OW from the sites who selectively choose married men to seduce get an ego boost knowing they've been able to get the attention of someone who is "supposedly" unavailable.

So she gets his honest status AND an ego boost.

And I get this.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

posts: 253   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Somewhere Out There
id 6444339
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 4:07 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Gently, the fact that he's going to dating websites means you already have lost your precious family of three. That ship has sailed.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6444373
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burnedcanuckEMS ( member #35813) posted at 4:25 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Yes, it is cheating, and most definitely shows the intent to cheat. I wish I would have taken it more serious when I found my ex-husbands adult friend finder profile 11 years ago. I remember confronting him and he managed to explain it away, saying he was making a profile for his dad. How I fell for that excuse I don't know because it seems so obvious now that even back then, when we were only dating, he was already lying to me and looking for hookups! I believe now that he was already sleeping with other women back then. Fast forward to now, I discovered him having an affair last year and filed for divorce. Basically I wasted my child bearing years on a lying piece if shit, ignoring all warning signs because all I wanted was love and a family. Ironically he couldn't father any children. How convenient for a serial cheater. Please, please don't ignore the red flags. Your heart and health isn't worth it. What if he is hooking up with other women? Go get STD tests. I have been there and done that, and as much as it is stressful it was a huge relief for me to know I am clean even though my ex was with numerous other women the whole time we dated and were married.

I am sorry this is happening to you but I am glad you found us. There is some very strong collective wisdom here.

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

Ipad user sorry for any spelling errors or missing letters etc..... ty

posts: 449   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Alberta
id 6444395
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mandan66 ( member #40075) posted at 4:42 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

Yep---its cheating. Like BCEMS, I was a sucker for a looong time (5 yrs. her 1st A)I had my head up my tail for so long, its friggin' amazing. But, when you trust, you trust, and its hard to see the red flags. Wify, sorry to say this, but this is a bigtime red flag.

Hang in there; we have your back!

Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

posts: 121   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2013   ·   location: KS
id 6444414
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Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 9:41 AM on Monday, August 12th, 2013

My ws has them in his web history and I don't know if he's looking, talking, or sexing but the fact that he's gone in more than once is cheating in my book. Curiosity?? Perhaps but why be curious about single women looking for men or married women looking for affairs. If he's looking, he's considering..Jmo

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

posts: 5738   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 6444538
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