No matter what you've done or not done, your WW cheating on you is wrong. You may be to blame for problems in your M, but her A is NOT your fault.
You don't fix a M by cheating. It only makes thing worse. From now on whenever your WW goes out, you'll always be wondering if it's to meet the OM or maybe someone else. Your trust in her is gone.
You need to get a lawyer and find out your rights in case she does use your joint savings to set up her own place.
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 7:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
The affair is not your fault. So she was unhappy in the marriage - how is an affair supposed to help things? She is rationalizing her immoral behavior and blameshifting. It's all your fault that she's off screwing other men?!?! Fuck that noise.
Please read in the Healing Library and scroll down through the pages of Just Found Out to read about the 180. You need to concentrate on protecting yourself and your kids because she is only thinking about herself.
You will never be able to "nice" her back into the marriage. If you do some more reading here, you will find that it never works. She's manipulating you like crazy to keep you trying to please her while she is out fucking other men. That is called cake-eating. Think about how that makes you feel. You deserve better. Close the bakery.
Most important thing, her affair is not about you, or what you did or did not do. It is about her trying to meet some internal need in the worst possible way.
The short answer to your question is that R is not possible at this point. That does not mean the alternative is D, only that R is not possible as things currently exist.
She won't come out and fully disclose ...snip...she's put a password on her phone ...snip... doesn't seem open to doing a NC call...
You cannot R alone, it takes two. She is not interested in R if she wants to keep her privacy and contact with the OM.
...she says she needs to see change and she needs time to think about things before she can talk.
This is just ploy to keep her options open and avoid facing her mess.
She has you taking responsibility for her advertising for friendship with men, and then meeting to fuck. None of that was your doing. You did not place the advertisements. You did not hide flirting conversations and planning from your spouse. You did not go to a hotel to have sex with an OP. She did.
It is fine for you to own your part of the problem in the M, but be clear that HER A is not your issue. It is hers. You may have failed in doing your part to keep the fires of romance and friendship alive in your M, but she threw a grenade into your relationship and is blaming you for being injured.
Keep reading and posting here on SI. It really does help. Look at the healing library (yellow box upper left of screen). The books Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines are good explanations of the A dynamic and how to recover from an A.
Should I be freaking out about this, or is it just coincidence?
You W left the M and is not expressing an interest in returning. She made her decision. You cannot make her act or believe the way you want. All that you can do is watch out and take care of yourself and your children. It would be good to talk with an attorney or two to understand what your rights are and how separation and divorce would work if it comes to that. Do what you can to secure your financial resources. The attorney can advise you, it is common advice on SI to put half of the joint money somewhere safe. Consider making an appointment with an individual counselor (IC) for support it working through your emotions and goal clarification about your M as you work through this.
There is nothing that you can do to fix your M at this point.
All that you can do is take steps to protect yourself and your children. Work on healing yourself from the huge injury your WW has inflicted on you emotionally. Keep eating and drinking water, watch the alcohol intake. Exercise is a better way to work off anger and frustrations. Consider coming to visit the Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum.
Second, I agree you should consult with an attorney.
Lastly, it's too raw for both of you right now to make a decision one way or another about R. If you want to change, change for yourself, not as a last ditch effort to right the marriage ship. If you don't recognize some of the reasons why you were emotionally distant, etc. in this marriage, you will carry it over to your next relationship. It's just that simple.
You need to work on your own stuff vs. being dependent on what is going on with her, what she is thinking, etc. It can't be an "If/Then" equation if it's going to work. That is part of the 180 as well.
You should ask yourself if your wife took your nuts out with her when she went to see the OM.
You cannot nice someone back into a marriage.
While you might be responsible for a part of the marriage filing you are not responsible for your wife turning to hookups with strangers to console herself.
She needs help. You need help.
But nicing her back wont help.
What you should do is file for D. It shows her you mean what you say. That you will not be married to her and share with another man.
At the same time if you know you have been lacking then get professional help to improve yourself for you. Not her.
Now move in the right direction and read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy".
It will open your eyes.
I appreciate your ownership of your issues in the M. The problem for you and your WW is that no matter how "nice" a husband you become now, you will be competing with a new love with all the head over heels, cotten candy and unicorn feelings. She will be comparing how she feels with you, with all the baggage of the relationship and the negatives that she has focused on, compared to her feelings with OM where he says what she wants to hear, there is no baggage, and she sees in him what she wants to see.
Either she knows OM well, has developed feelings for him, or she does not know OM well, but projects on to him her ideal man. Either way, she has sealed the deal with him, and has an invested interest in proving she was justified in having sex with another man while married.
I re-read my original post and would not change any advice. The only difference I might make down the road is if she sends a NC letter you approve (see healing library for suggestions), and becomes transparent as you describe giving you passwords, access to accounts, etc. then going straight to MC as opposed to IC for both first may work in your situation.
She says she needs to see change, byut your need to see change is more immeadiate. She needs to quit flirting, chatting, and having sex with OM before work can occur on the M. If she maintains you need to change, then she will consider dropping OM, you might as well start towards D.
Remember, D takes a long time even when people try to rush it. Nothing says that you cannot stop D proceedings if she does a 180 and decides to work with you on the M.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:28 PM, August 12th (Monday)]
Please stop and try to look at things rationally- because while being a husband and father focused on work and the kids, you didn't stop by Hallmark to buy her a card enough times per month for her standards, so she gets to go jump on some other guy's dick and lie about it to you and her family...
Please.. PLEASE read this as many times as necessary for it to sink in. There is never ANY excuse for cheating. And her deception, lies and now trying to tell you that her sucking some other man's DICK while wearing YOUR WEDDING RING is going to continue until the hard working Dad (i.e. you) works his ass off even more to be "Perfect Husband V2.0" before she can consider NC and R??????!?!?!
Dude- plastic bag treatment. Kick the CHEATING WHORE (sorry man, that is what she is right now FUCKING other men in hotels while MARRIED to you) to the road, head straight to a lawyer, FILE for divorce (even if you don't plan to, this will show you mean BUSINESS), protect the kids, and blow this affair up to the open if she doesn't immediately dump this guy and go NC + R.
You can't "love" her back into the relationship. In fact, if you try you'll only lose more of your marriage than you have already.
When I found out and confronted, she asked for a few days to think over things. After a few days, she listed several of my flaws and said she wanted D.
Over the next several weeks, I worked hard to make the changes she'd talked about. I thought things were much better. We did things together (non physical things, anyway), and I enjoyed being with her more than I had in a long time.
But then I asked her if she was still seeing OM. Her answer, or rather, non-answer, devastated me. I can't say she lied, because in all those weeks, I hadn't asked.
It took me over a year to figure out that she wasn't coming back. D was final two years after D day.
Please listen to what everyone is saying. You can't nice her back. I sincerely hope that someday you can R--that was my most earnest desire--but it must be BOTH of you.
Also know that, however it turns out, it DOES get better.
After the first A, I tried like mad to be everything he said I wasn't. I owned my flaws and mistakes and worked my butt off to correct them. I became this fake, Martha Stewart wannabe version of myself because I thought it would change things.
If you've read very many posts here at all, you probably know what happened. He continued seeing the OW. He lied over and over. He destroyed my self-esteem and it still hasn't recovered. I have no respect for myself, especially for giving him another chance after that A ended, only to find myself back in this exact situation.
Don't end up where I am. Do not do all the work to change yourself when she is entrenched in her behavior and isn't doing anything to fix her own issues. It's hard to look back and see all your attempts to be better and do better, all for nothing. I'm with everyone else here - there isn't room for 3 people in a marriage. Period.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14