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ScaredDad posted 8/11/2013 20:09 PM

I posted the long version of my story a couple of night ago but the short version is: I discovered my wife's affair, she says she no longer wants a future with me, is in love with him but wants to co-habit with me for the time being for the sake of our two kids.

So here I am. She has gone out tonight, supposedly to see a friend, I believe she is with him. I am left home to look after the kids and basically just carry on as normal while she continues to see him.

Her name is on the mortgage so I can't force her to leave. Our names are on most things together so our lives are pretty well entangled. I wont leave and abandon the kids. It feels like I have no choice but to continue the life we were living before I found out but with the knowledge that she will see him when she feels like it.

We have talked about separating and putting that in motion but its not financially feasible for us to live separately so I don't see how I can force a change.

I feel demeaned and humiliated to just have to accept that my wife is going out at night to have sex with another man while I continue to look after the kids and do all the other household stuff that needs doing. Do I have any leverage in this situation?

doggiemom12 posted 8/11/2013 20:13 PM

See a lawyer. Tomorrow. Then you will know what your rights and obligations are.

Sorry you fine yourself here.

Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2013 20:15 PM

Go see a lawyer. Ask about "exclusive use" of the family home.

kernel posted 8/11/2013 20:42 PM

I agree with the others - see a lawyer. Tell him/her the ugly truth. If you act first, you may be able to get exclusive use of the home even with her name on it because she is actively carrying on an affair. Don't leave the home - you can then be accused of abandoning.

At the very least, I would put her stuff in another room. Stop doing anything for her. Don't do her dishes, don't cook, don't do her laundry. Just take care of yourself and the kids.

Do you have friends or family you can talk to? I found it really helpful to have people I trusted that I could talk to and get advice from and just vent.


mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 20:51 PM

Hi ScaredDad,

I read both of your threads before replying.
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry you find yourself here, but this site will help you so much. It was a life saver for me---I only wish I had found it sooner. Most of us BSs know exactly how you feel, & many of us have been thru very similiar situations.

I was in a very very similiar situation to yours myself---am now 2 yrs 3 mos post Dday, & working on R with WH. Things are better between us, our family is still together ( WH & I can still stand at the doorway watching one of our kids sleep & be proud together), & in some ways, our marriage is stronger.
But it takes time & a lot of hard work.
But first you have to be willing to end your marriage---it is the only way to save it-----your WW is cake eating right now, & the only way you will have any hope of R is if you start D proceedings. This will shock her out of the fog.

In my case, on Dday I asked WH to leave & we were separated for almost half a year, during which time he continued contact with OW ( a co worker) & continued to lie to me about it. I continued to catch him in his lies, & it was only after I took off my wedding ring & handed it to him, saw a lawyer, & made an appt for us to go to a divorce mediator, that he finally ended his A. As long as you act like a doormat, your WW will continue to cake eat.

And if she never ends her A, then you still want to start D proceedings, because you do not want to be in this marriage any longer, that is for sure.


Good luck, ScaredDad. I know how bad it is right now. Sending you strength.

Gemini71 posted 8/11/2013 20:54 PM

I agree completely that you need to see a lawyer.

I just wanted to comment on the cohabitating for the sake of the kids. Children pick up on more than you think. A stressful unhappy environment is not good for them. Only you know what is best for them at this point, your WW is obviously not really thinking of them, she just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I was concerned about how my kids would react when I told them Daddy was moving out. My 16 yo was upset, but understood. My 11 yo was confused and curious. My 8 yo couldn't care less, "Okay, bye Dad."

Take care of yourself and your kids. ((ScaredDad))

ScaredDad posted 8/11/2013 21:01 PM

Thanks everyone. A lawyer does seem like the next logical choice. I'm just afraid of how much that is going to cost.

I have heard Cordell & Cordell advertise on the sports talk radio I listen to so that seemed a logical place to start as they specialize in helping Dads. Anyone have any experience with them? Are they good or do they just advertise a lot and make themselves ubiquitous? I kind of feel like it might be the equivalent of getting plumbing advice from Home Depot instead of talking to a guy who has been a plumber all his life.

In the meantime I have been stepping up the separation/divorce rhetoric. She seems happy to go along with the idea but just cautioning me that it is going to take a while.

If she isn't prepared to consider reconciling then I just want her gone at this point. I feel like I cant start rebuilding a happy future as long as she is around.

mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 21:05 PM

Sounds like it is time to ask her to leave.

ScaredDad posted 8/11/2013 21:16 PM

@mchercheur: She won't. I have told her I need us to be apart for me to feel better about myself and move forward but she has no where to go (OM lives with his father) and she does not want to leave the kids, which I can understand. Unless I have some legal ability to force her, I don't see what I can do.

mandan66 posted 8/11/2013 21:23 PM

Hey ScaredDad,
As others have said, amny of us have been in your position. I myself was in the EXACT same spot, and if I had found this site earlier in my process, I would have been so much better off. As Gemini said, you would be amazed about how perceptive your kids are. I was amazed at how much they picked up on. And how adaptable they were!
For me, seeing an attorney, was my first huge step in getting control of my and my kids lives again. Following that was our separation, which immediately started to reduce the household stress. So to repeat what others have said: SHE MUST BE the ONE to LEAVE. PERIOD!
Hang in there friend!

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2013 21:27 PM

she says she no longer wants a future with me, is in love with him

How horrible for you. I am so sorry.
but wants to co-habit with me for the time being for the sake of our two kids.

Well isn't she just the sweetest of all the Georgia peaches.
to just have to accept that my wife is going out at night to have sex with another man

Temporarily, yes. While she is out tonight, move her belongings into the guest room or the basement and write up a 'division of responsibilities' list. If she doesn't want to be 'married' anymore, then she will be treated as a tenant.....which means that she no longer shares your bedroom/bathroom/closet. As the mother of the kids, then she is responsible for them on <whatever> days/times that you choose....and when it's her 'on' time, YOU get to come and go as you please. Perhaps you will do dishes and she will do laundry...or whatever division of labor you feel is the most palatable to you.

My point do NOT have to let her cake-eat and take advantage of you. You do NOT have to maintain the household while she get to act like she's an additional child with minimal responsibilities. And not just ANY additional child, but a spoiled, rebellious brat who is hell-bent on causing total turmoil in the entire household.

Your WW seems pretty adamant and sure of her 'stance' on the situation. And her proposal is untenable for you and disaster for your kids. She has outright stated her desire to not be your wife any longer.

Follow through with your decision to see a L ASAP.

You haven't spoken about 'how' your financial life one of you the primary breadwinner? Are the 2 of you equal in earning capacity? Either of you a stay-at-home parent? (I'm not looking for answers, just merely pointing out that your specific circumstance is a consideration and why you NEED to consult a L.)

You aren't powerless in this situation, SD, even if it feels as though you are. And I gotta say that I would *love* to see you generic-plastic-bag her shit and dump it on the OM's doorstep along with a "she's all yours now" message.....

mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 21:30 PM

At the very least, insist that she get out of the marital bedroom which she has defiled---too bad if she has to sleep on the couch.
Believe me when I say I know how unreal all this feels, but when WH & I were separated,
( & I still saw many many text messages & phone calls between him & OW on the phone record every day, & followed them & saw them having lunch together more than once,)
he could say all he wanted to that he did not want to be separated from the kids, but he is the one who was causing that to happen. That was a consequence of his actions.

When he would come into the house to see the kids, I would not let him sit on our marital bed---did not want him to even come into our bedroom.

Alternatively, perhaps you could insist that your WW live with a friend or relative nearby, if there is one, & be able to visit the kids frequently.

You have held up your end of the committment---she is the one who has betrayed you AND YOUR KIDS.

traildad posted 8/11/2013 21:30 PM

I was in your exact situation...and I let it go on for months...I can tell you it was awful. Once I saw an L and started the process I felt much better. The initial consultation with an L is usually free. and filing for D only costs a few hundred dollars, you can start there. The trial, if needed, is where the money adds up, but that would be down the road. You want to make things happen. Trust me, my kids caught on to the situation and they are little. Life got a whole lot better once she left. Stay, take care of your kids, and if you can't get her to leave, then pull a full 180 hard core, stick to it, and move forward on the D process ASAP. Hang in there, you are doing great, the kids are lucky to have you.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2013 21:35 PM

Jeez. It took me entirely too long to type my previous post......

After reading your last couple of responses, I'm going to be a bit more direct.

Your WW is the female equivalent of a douche.
Go see a L.
File for D.
File temporary orders and ask for the sky. You want exclusive use of the home. You want primary custody of the kids. You will pay her (or if she makes more $ than you, then SHE will pay YOU) <xxx> amount of dollars of month....or whatever financial scenario that you see as palatable for yourself.

The fact that she doesn't have 'anywhere to go' is NOT YOUR PROBLEM anymore. Actions (and shitty decisions) meet consequences......

jjct posted 8/11/2013 21:41 PM

They have a good sales pitch, just get one. We usually advise, get the meanest one.
Just get one.
You can change your mind later and fire them if you need to, if they're not experienced in fuskery and you need to.
(i realize nowhere is s near to k so it's one of those typos)
get a L.
keep posting.
We'll shoot you straight, even though some of us have been bent crooked by this.

ScaredDad posted 8/11/2013 21:54 PM

Thanks everyone. Looks like I have a busy week lined up. I have an initial consultation for individual counseling on Tuesday (I realize through our marital struggles prior to the affair revelation that I have my own issues to work out).

We are going to couples counseling on Thursday. I'm not sure exactly what the point will be. She does not want to reconcile and I cannot consider reconciling as long as she continues to see him. But I am interested to see what happens when we have a third party in the room when we are talking about our situation.

And I will call early tomorrow to setup an initial consultation with a lawyer to understand what my options and expected outcomes can be.

Oh and a dentist appointment Friday. I guess for once that's the least of my worries.....

ScaredDad posted 8/11/2013 22:09 PM

Also, we are planning to "organize" our lives a little better after my family leaves on Thursday (my parents and sister have been visiting us for a few weeks from overseas, which has certainly added to an already tense situation).

We will move into separate rooms and organize responsibilities for looking after the kids and household duties. I am hoping that makes me feel less of a connection to her which would make this whole situation easier to live with.

My kids are 4 and 2. I don't think they pick up on much. We actually behave pretty normally in front of them. When I am not thinking about the affair I can behave friendly and jokey with my wife. Its only when I really stop to think about everything that it really gets me down. So I am hoping we can shield the kids from this for now.

I realize I just said a paragraph ago that we will move to separate rooms. We are also going to move my older daughter to her own room upstairs and the idea will be that Mommy is moving up to a bedroom upstairs to be with her while she gets used to it. So that should at least give a reason for our separate sleeping arrangements.

luv2swim posted 8/11/2013 22:17 PM

As others have noted, what you are going through now, is a road many of us have also walked.
The only advice I can offer is to encourage you to come from a perspective of:

E.G., you are monogamous and you need your wife to be monogamous too. You can ask her if she prefers her sexual freedom with other men in place of her marriage and family. If she says YES with no hesitation, I would file for divorce. Unless of course, you want to be with a spouse who believes "dating" while married is okay.

Regarding your dear children, I have been advised by more than one child therapists this: We teach our children how to be in the world in everything we do and say. As we react to our spouses infidelity, we are teaching our children how to be when their mates leave them for someone else. (if this happens).

This observation helped me to step outside my pain of the moment and think about how I might want my own children to be if they were in this same situation. I pondered what advice I would give to them. Then I turned the advise around to myself.

For a very long time I was confused, hurt, and tossed about by the mirroring and gaslighting of my spouse. I spent 9 months groveling, pleading, and generally doing the totally wrong things... and then I discovered SI! (yay).

Keep posting. This is "home planet" for infidelity. Lots of empathy and understanding for you.

mandan66 posted 8/11/2013 22:20 PM

Brother, to be blunt, I would defintely not spend another dime on the joint MC. That can wait. Its true, some of us on here are a little bent/embittered, but I wish I had started the 180 right at the getgo.
Its an emotional hurdle, for sure, and you may not be ready for it, but you also may be surprised at how easy it becomes to draw lines in the sand, once you've drawn that first one.
We're all here for you.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2013 22:37 PM

Re: the counseling appt on Thursday.

Be proactive and go in with a plan. Think *offensively*, not defensively....meaning....don't let your WW speak first and lead the session.

Based on your current situation, here are my thoughts:
You sit down and say....
"WW has met another man and no longer wants to be married to me. I will not *make* her stay married to me, so we need to come up with a game plan to attempt to make this transition from married to divorced *easy* on the kids. Advise please."

Make hard efforts to keep the focus on this 'transition.' Do NOT let it devolve into a *scareddad sucked as a H* session because that is pointless. You'll end up wasting the time defending yourself and have nothing productive to show for it. Here's your *pat* response for the upcoming MC session: "you are fucking another guy and you don't see 'me' in your future, so let's just figure out a way forward that leads to the least amount of damage to the kids."

And just as an would be surprised at what even the smallest of children pick up on. Just FYI, little-bitties are sponges and they really don't *miss* anything (even if they don't quite understand what that <anything> means).

Good news is that with the change in your DD's sleeping arrangements, you'll most likely be able to get some mileage out of your explanation, though.....

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