So here I am. She has gone out tonight, supposedly to see a friend, I believe she is with him. I am left home to look after the kids and basically just carry on as normal while she continues to see him.
Her name is on the mortgage so I can't force her to leave. Our names are on most things together so our lives are pretty well entangled. I wont leave and abandon the kids. It feels like I have no choice but to continue the life we were living before I found out but with the knowledge that she will see him when she feels like it.
We have talked about separating and putting that in motion but its not financially feasible for us to live separately so I don't see how I can force a change.
I feel demeaned and humiliated to just have to accept that my wife is going out at night to have sex with another man while I continue to look after the kids and do all the other household stuff that needs doing. Do I have any leverage in this situation?
Sorry you fine yourself here.
At the very least, I would put her stuff in another room. Stop doing anything for her. Don't do her dishes, don't cook, don't do her laundry. Just take care of yourself and the kids.
Do you have friends or family you can talk to? I found it really helpful to have people I trusted that I could talk to and get advice from and just vent.
I read both of your threads before replying.
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry you find yourself here, but this site will help you so much. It was a life saver for me---I only wish I had found it sooner. Most of us BSs know exactly how you feel, & many of us have been thru very similiar situations.
I was in a very very similiar situation to yours myself---am now 2 yrs 3 mos post Dday, & working on R with WH. Things are better between us, our family is still together ( WH & I can still stand at the doorway watching one of our kids sleep & be proud together), & in some ways, our marriage is stronger.
But it takes time & a lot of hard work.
But first you have to be willing to end your marriage---it is the only way to save it-----your WW is cake eating right now, & the only way you will have any hope of R is if you start D proceedings. This will shock her out of the fog.
In my case, on Dday I asked WH to leave & we were separated for almost half a year, during which time he continued contact with OW ( a co worker) & continued to lie to me about it. I continued to catch him in his lies, & it was only after I took off my wedding ring & handed it to him, saw a lawyer, & made an appt for us to go to a divorce mediator, that he finally ended his A. As long as you act like a doormat, your WW will continue to cake eat.
And if she never ends her A, then you still want to start D proceedings, because you do not want to be in this marriage any longer, that is for sure.
SHE IS THE ONE WHO LEFT THE MARRIAGE & IS BREAKING UP THE FAMILY, SO DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS OR THE FAMILY HOME. YOU STAY PUT. The lawyer will tell you how to protect yourself.
Good luck, ScaredDad. I know how bad it is right now. Sending you strength.
I just wanted to comment on the cohabitating for the sake of the kids. Children pick up on more than you think. A stressful unhappy environment is not good for them. Only you know what is best for them at this point, your WW is obviously not really thinking of them, she just wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I was concerned about how my kids would react when I told them Daddy was moving out. My 16 yo was upset, but understood. My 11 yo was confused and curious. My 8 yo couldn't care less, "Okay, bye Dad."
Take care of yourself and your kids. ((ScaredDad))
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I have heard Cordell & Cordell advertise on the sports talk radio I listen to so that seemed a logical place to start as they specialize in helping Dads. Anyone have any experience with them? Are they good or do they just advertise a lot and make themselves ubiquitous? I kind of feel like it might be the equivalent of getting plumbing advice from Home Depot instead of talking to a guy who has been a plumber all his life.
In the meantime I have been stepping up the separation/divorce rhetoric. She seems happy to go along with the idea but just cautioning me that it is going to take a while.
If she isn't prepared to consider reconciling then I just want her gone at this point. I feel like I cant start rebuilding a happy future as long as she is around.
she says she no longer wants a future with me, is in love with him
but wants to co-habit with me for the time being for the sake of our two kids.
to just have to accept that my wife is going out at night to have sex with another man
My point is....you do NOT have to let her cake-eat and take advantage of you. You do NOT have to maintain the household while she get to act like she's an additional child with minimal responsibilities. And not just ANY additional child, but a spoiled, rebellious brat who is hell-bent on causing total turmoil in the entire household.
Your WW seems pretty adamant and sure of her 'stance' on the situation. And her proposal is untenable for you and disaster for your kids. She has outright stated her desire to not be your wife any longer.
Follow through with your decision to see a L ASAP.
You haven't spoken about 'how' your financial life is....is one of you the primary breadwinner? Are the 2 of you equal in earning capacity? Either of you a stay-at-home parent? (I'm not looking for answers, just merely pointing out that your specific circumstance is a consideration and why you NEED to consult a L.)
You aren't powerless in this situation, SD, even if it feels as though you are. And I gotta say that I would *love* to see you generic-plastic-bag her shit and dump it on the OM's doorstep along with a "she's all yours now" message.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
When he would come into the house to see the kids, I would not let him sit on our marital bed---did not want him to even come into our bedroom.
Alternatively, perhaps you could insist that your WW live with a friend or relative nearby, if there is one, & be able to visit the kids frequently.
You have held up your end of the committment---she is the one who has betrayed you AND YOUR KIDS.
After reading your last couple of responses, I'm going to be a bit more direct.
Your WW is the female equivalent of a douche.
Go see a L.
File for D.
File temporary orders and ask for the sky. You want exclusive use of the home. You want primary custody of the kids. You will pay her (or if she makes more $ than you, then SHE will pay YOU) <xxx> amount of dollars of month....or whatever financial scenario that you see as palatable for yourself.
The fact that she doesn't have 'anywhere to go' is NOT YOUR PROBLEM anymore. Actions (and shitty decisions) meet consequences......
We are going to couples counseling on Thursday. I'm not sure exactly what the point will be. She does not want to reconcile and I cannot consider reconciling as long as she continues to see him. But I am interested to see what happens when we have a third party in the room when we are talking about our situation.
And I will call early tomorrow to setup an initial consultation with a lawyer to understand what my options and expected outcomes can be.
Oh and a dentist appointment Friday. I guess for once that's the least of my worries.....
We will move into separate rooms and organize responsibilities for looking after the kids and household duties. I am hoping that makes me feel less of a connection to her which would make this whole situation easier to live with.
My kids are 4 and 2. I don't think they pick up on much. We actually behave pretty normally in front of them. When I am not thinking about the affair I can behave friendly and jokey with my wife. Its only when I really stop to think about everything that it really gets me down. So I am hoping we can shield the kids from this for now.
I realize I just said a paragraph ago that we will move to separate rooms. We are also going to move my older daughter to her own room upstairs and the idea will be that Mommy is moving up to a bedroom upstairs to be with her while she gets used to it. So that should at least give a reason for our separate sleeping arrangements.
E.G., you are monogamous and you need your wife to be monogamous too. You can ask her if she prefers her sexual freedom with other men in place of her marriage and family. If she says YES with no hesitation, I would file for divorce. Unless of course, you want to be with a spouse who believes "dating" while married is okay.
Regarding your dear children, I have been advised by more than one child therapists this: We teach our children how to be in the world in everything we do and say. As we react to our spouses infidelity, we are teaching our children how to be when their mates leave them for someone else. (if this happens).
This observation helped me to step outside my pain of the moment and think about how I might want my own children to be if they were in this same situation. I pondered what advice I would give to them. Then I turned the advise around to myself.
For a very long time I was confused, hurt, and tossed about by the mirroring and gaslighting of my spouse. I spent 9 months groveling, pleading, and generally doing the totally wrong things... and then I discovered SI! (yay).
Keep posting. This is "home planet" for infidelity. Lots of empathy and understanding for you.
Be proactive and go in with a plan. Think *offensively*, not defensively....meaning....don't let your WW speak first and lead the session.
Based on your current situation, here are my thoughts:
You sit down and say....
"WW has met another man and no longer wants to be married to me. I will not *make* her stay married to me, so we need to come up with a game plan to attempt to make this transition from married to divorced *easy* on the kids. Advise please."
Make hard efforts to keep the focus on this 'transition.' Do NOT let it devolve into a *scareddad sucked as a H* session because that is pointless. You'll end up wasting the time defending yourself and have nothing productive to show for it. Here's your *pat* response for the upcoming MC session: "you are fucking another guy and you don't see 'me' in your future, so let's just figure out a way forward that leads to the least amount of damage to the kids."
And just as an aside.....you would be surprised at what even the smallest of children pick up on. Just FYI, little-bitties are sponges and they really don't *miss* anything (even if they don't quite understand what that <anything> means).
Good news is that with the change in your DD's sleeping arrangements, you'll most likely be able to get some mileage out of your explanation, though.....