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It's Still There

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VD2012 posted 8/11/2013 20:16 PM

When I open my eyes and wake every day it's still there. That sense of loss, of time, of innocence, of sanity, that still lingers on.

When I do my morning routine in the bathroom it's still there. In the back of my mind the realization that yes, it really truly did happen and the nightmare I woke from was grounded in reality.

When I come down stairs and am greeted by my gorgeous wife with a beaming smile it's still there. That knowledge that there is a very ugly side to her, a side she battles with to keep herself and our family safe every day.

When I go about my daily activities and responsibilities it's still there. That nagging sadness greying out the beauty of every day, the battle I have to fight every day to keep from falling into despair.

When my daughter mauls me with affection or my son coos at me in his new found giggles it's still there. Knowing how close one's life was very nearly altered for the worst forever and how the other almost didn't exist at all.

When my wife and I settle in for the night and cuddle on the couch or play fight in the kitchen it's still there. The love we've always had, the love which binds us together and enriches our lives. The love that's worth all of this for.

When I head up to the bathroom to do my nightly routine it's still there. Knowing I have to go through this again tomorrow but it'll be better in some way so long as we both do what we need to do.

As I lay down to sleep and my wife snuggles into me it's still there. The dread of facing another possible nightmare and the hope of waking up with the wonderful transformed woman in my arms still by my side.

Every day, it's still there. The knowledge of her infidelity. Also the knowledge of her work and effort to be better, and knowing in the end I'd never want to give up the life I find myself heading toward. Sure, it's tempting to play what if and it's all too easy to give into the negative thoughts that can rise... but that's not who I am.

My commitment, my honesty, my devotion, my resolve, my strength, my love, my desire... It's still there.

Just some thoughts while having an off day. Thanks for reading.

blakesteele posted 8/11/2013 20:28 PM

I hear you brother.

Mixed emotions abound.

One of the toughest for me is what you spoke of regarding our kids. To date my two pre-10 daughters have no idea how close their world is to changing forever...

11 months out and I still have moments of shock that it really did happen.

God be with us all.

OldCow18 posted 8/11/2013 20:35 PM

Just wanted to say that I love what you wrote. Wow.

rachelc posted 8/11/2013 20:36 PM

VD and BS: growth can be....painful.
yep it's still there. EVERY day I think of two people's names i'd rather not. Will it be this way for the rest of my life?

My children are grown. But how a divorce would affect their life is probably the biggest thing I consider, still. In their lower 20's. I can't imagine if they were younger.

You are brave men...

mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 22:54 PM

Yes, its still there every day for me too.

VD2012 posted 8/14/2013 00:57 AM

blakesteele,

In a lot of ways I'm grateful that my daughter was only 3 at the time. She'll never likely remember the times she brought me tissue telling me not to be sad. She won't remember how angry or distraught I could get. She already doesn't remember how terrible mommy was during that time, even to her. I've told my wife that she's lucky our daughter may well come out of this unscathed but that I hold her responsible for the possible damage she could have done to her.

I still have entire days where I feel consumed by disbelief. It's exasperated by how much my wife has changed. I cannot see the woman before me as being capable of cheating again. Yet I know she has cheated. And even at that, though I do accept it as fact, can't fathom how it's true some days. The mind's a funny thing.


rachelc,

Names... I hate some names. Especially that of her main affair partner. It's so fucking common. I see or hear it on a daily basis. By sheer volume of alternate uses I'm sure it'll lessen in time, but I have an instant anxious reaction every time I encounter it. It's my favourite deceased uncle's name, I can't even remember him without this shit interfearing in my thoughts. I really hope it's not that way for the rest of my life.

Anyways, thanks for the replies.

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/14/2013 06:49 AM

Your post really resonated with me. I feel the same way. It's always there, no matter what I'm doing. It's there when I wake up, get ready in the morning, go to work, see him at night, snuggle on the couch, and go to sleep. I dread waking up every morning, because it never goes away. I never truly feel like I have a moment where it's gone. And it's exhausting.

AML04 posted 8/14/2013 07:10 AM

I'm still very close to dday and this is exactly what it's like. It's a little discouraging that I may still feel this way a year from now but I also got hope from your post too.

Thank you.

bionicgal posted 8/14/2013 07:42 AM

VD 2012
If the name thing really bothers you, you could try to extinguish the anxiety around it like they do with people with anxious thoughts. It sounds horrible, but tape record the name and listen to it on a loop for a fixed amount of time a day - say 5 minutes.. . .Every day. Eventually you will become desensitized to it.

Now, if I could just do that with the hotel my H went to. I am mostly over the fact that they had sex in our truck! So classy.

spinning73 posted 8/14/2013 08:00 AM

Beautifully written, can definitely relate.

spinning73 posted 8/14/2013 08:01 AM

Rachele... The name, ugh. AP name was FAITH. Oh, the irony

AFrayedKnot posted 8/14/2013 08:10 AM

Every Word!!!

Thank You VD2012

(((Hugs)))

sisoon posted 8/14/2013 08:29 AM

VD, Exactly (with variations to match one's stage in the life cycle).

Anyone ever mention that you write very well?

IslandGirl18 posted 8/14/2013 11:06 AM

Well written and so true. All of it. Thank you.

HopefullyLost09 posted 8/14/2013 12:51 PM

Thank you for this

Scubachick posted 8/14/2013 14:00 PM

Love this!

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/14/2013 14:18 PM

VD2012. Ur post brought tears to my eyes as I sit at my desk at work. Thank you for letting see a glimmer of hope.

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