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Do it and apologize later

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plainpain posted 8/11/2013 20:48 PM

It's like he thought, 'Do it and apologize later'. That is how I feel... he premeditated it, knowing I had already said I could not forgive him. So, he 'gets it out of his system', end of mid-life crisis, he gets to forever cherish the loverly memories of his sex romps with his living, breathing blow up doll, and I get to suffer for the rest of my life. I get to know, for the rest of my life, that my faithfulness, my love, my devotion, my loyalty, and 20 years of memories did not stack up against SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING. So, I matter LESS than someone who doesn't even mean ANYTHING. That makes me less than nothing, in his eyes. And then I am supposed to forgive him?Why, because he's SORRY, now? Because suddenly I mean something to him? Suddenly he can't live without me? Should have thought of that BEFORE. Should. have. thought. of. that. before.

Whether I forgive him or not, I suffer. Whether I stay with him or not, I suffer. He made a choice that completely disregarded the devastation he KNEW it would cause.

Tripletrouble posted 8/11/2013 20:54 PM

Word, sister.

Like I wrote it myself.

mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 20:56 PM

WOW. Are you inside of my head?

kickboxer posted 8/11/2013 21:40 PM

Yup.

My WH did it over and over and over (3x that I know of).

The premeditation of it all makes my insides cringe.

As I cooked his dinner, tended to his home, and cared for his children........15 years of complete loyalty and devotion.

Lostinthismess posted 8/11/2013 21:45 PM

Triple word. My thoughts today exactly. Everything that is supposedly worth fighting for now wasn't worth being faithful for then. I don't get it.

plainpain posted 8/11/2013 21:45 PM

I ironed his shirt, kissed him, told him he looked so handsome, told him I was so proud of him, that he was the best man I had ever known, that I was so blessed to have him, and sent him out the door, whereupon he promptly drove to her house to get some 'validation'. Well. F**k. Me.

momoffive posted 8/11/2013 22:11 PM

This has been my life as well. I washed his clothes, his underwear that would have had remnants of his f**k sessions. I was convinced my faithful, Christian husband would never cheat. For years never even thought about that possibility. Boy was I blindsided.

And now that he has it out of his system and he's a changed man he thinks I should forgive and move on, never getting what I say I need, he never saying anything negative or being mean about his countless whores because, let's remember he's a changed man who is going to be kind to ALL women.

Riiiggghhtt. Sorry for ranting on your post. I'm feeling so angry right now and I totally related to your situation.

jb3199 posted 8/11/2013 23:08 PM

That's the rub: They unilaterally decided to destroy our marriage---I mean nuke it---and there is NOTHING that we can do to change it.

Sure, we are not as *broken* as they are/were, we didn't compromise our morals, etc.---ad nauseum. It doesn't change the fact of where we are today.

The cure-all answer? I don't know. Maybe it is as simple as life isn't effing fair. But as forgiveness plainplain---that is decision is yours and yours only. Nobody can make you give that away without your consent.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 11:09 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Spelljean posted 8/12/2013 00:41 AM

Right there with you.

Im out of patience. Finished. He can't have any position of value in my life anymore. He will want to be friends too. So he can feel ok about it all. I cant give him that.

I hope you find peace and that you stay strong.

OnAnIsland posted 8/12/2013 01:26 AM

Indeed. Thought nothing of the long term pain and therapy and hell that I would go through.

Sorry you are here.

Ostrich80 posted 8/12/2013 02:55 AM

Words right out of my head. My ws said ow meant nothing and all he wanted was his family...like that's supposed to make me feel better?? He trashed us for "nothing" wtf?

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/12/2013 07:54 AM

Seems to be in the ws handbook! That AP meant nothing. They sure seemed to mean so much at the time of their fuckery.

Your post verbalized everything I am still thinking 3yrs out.

I told wh before I had found out about his fuckery that If he cheated on me I would hate him and never forgive him. So now hes so surprised I cannot forgive him and that I hate him.

Before I found out about his fuckery I told him to not ever make me share him. He promised he would never do that to me. Well he didnt keep that promise. In fact when he made it he was already screwing mow.

Why cant I just "get over it"....

I highly doubt if it was reversed my dear wh would accept me saying that to him or accept being tossed aside for someone who meant "nothing"

I mean EVERYTHING N.O.W.

Im the love of his life NOW. He cant live without me NOW.

Im the only woman he wants to put his penis in NOW.

That married old whore is NOW in his words "just some stupid bitch who fell into his lap and made him feel like he had no problems for awhile...but now she makes him feel like shit"

So deep down he did it and thought he could just deal with the possible consequences later and just say...."sorry"

Sorry sunflowergirl but I always loved you and I was never going to leave you. I just wanted some sex and attention on the side and didnt care that I took from you, neglected and made you feel invisible, lonely and worthless in the process. But sorry it wont ever happen again! So why cant you just get over it and everything go back to how it used to be.

Well dear wh...it cant because you literally fucked it all up. I dont trust you or anyone else and never will.

I apologize for the rant...but ya this is on my mind too

WoundedOpus posted 8/12/2013 08:34 AM

Word to the 4th

Every time he says she didn't mean anything, that it meant nothing to him, I die a little inside.

How can they not see they are saying We meant less than nothing to them...

The alternative? That they did this to us because We meant less to them than she did. That sucks as well, but most days I'd prefer it over the former since we all know it's bs love, at least then I could think he thought he had a good effing reason!

Carry on...

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 8:37 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Tred posted 8/12/2013 08:43 AM

And they wonder why we don't want to hear the phrase "if I'd known how bad this was going to hurt you I wouldn't of cheated"...as if that little consolation phrase is going to make it all better. Yea, sure. As if the damage to me made any difference to the desire to get validation from outside the marriage. I'm not buying it.

sohowamI posted 8/12/2013 09:04 AM

Pardon my French but 'absofuckinglootly...' You are all so right.

Yesterday I was told (about LTA of 12 years), 'she really didn't love me...' He still maintains that he 'didn't love her...' So, then, what was the POINT? Of any of them? That they all meant NOTHING and that, therefore, I meant NOTHING either!!

The mind boggles.

TrustGone posted 8/12/2013 09:08 AM

Mine thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He thought that he was so smart he would never get caught. He didn't count on OW falling in LUUUUVVVE with him and being mad because he wouldn't tell me about her or anyone else for that matter. He thought it was OK to tell her he loved her when he didn't and gave her an engagement ring to shut her up. Of course that only gave him even longer to betray me before she got tired of the secret life and outed him. It makes me feel so stupid to have trusted someone that much.

Now he has a wife that doesn't love him like I used to love him, doesn't trust him, and will never forgive him. I hope his little secret sexual ecapades was worth it to him. Sorry for the tj, I just know exactly how you feel and I think all of us BS's feel the same way. In a way I wished he would have left me for her, then I would know he got exactly what he deserved.

plainpain posted 8/12/2013 10:06 AM

I have forgiven him, I am forgiving him, I have to forgive him over again every day, sometimes every hour of the day. I don't choose to destroy my own life further. It is going to hurt either way - it might as well hurt with him here, I guess. He is so repentant, but it doesn't undo any of it.

Sometimes I hate that the onus is on me now to forgive him. I sometimes really wish I had walked in on them, so that there would be no question. I could not forgive that, having seen it with my own eyes. Sometimes I hate that I have the capacity to forgive him, that I STILL love him and want him THAT MUCH... and I meant less than nothing to him.

Sometimes I want to kick him out, just so he can spend the rest of his life knowing that he had everything, and that he threw it away. That he trashed his life, my life, his children's lives. I want him to FEEL that inside, like a physical pain, the way I feel it inside.

But the reality is, he'd probably go out and find somebody new tomorrow and start all over and be happy. Because lesson #1 in all of this is that I am completely disposable and completely replaceable. Yay me.

I think this is called the 'anger phase'.

ILINIA posted 8/12/2013 10:35 AM

It is hard that all the onus is now on us. We are the ones that are supposed to forgive, we are the ones that are supposed to figure out a way to move forward, we are the ones that have to "pretend" life is grand in front of our kids. It does suck. We didn't choose this, but now we bear the weight.

My "favorite" lines that WH says are:

a) "I was never going to leave you." So it wasn't enough to be a shitty husband, but you were going to be a shitty husband who sleeps around. Wow, I should feel so lucky to have a husband so dedicated!

2) "I choose you because I love you." Nope, you really didn't choose me and I highly doubt you were thinking about your love for me at the time. Again, I should feel so lucky to have such a super husband.

So all you women, back off. I know his words could sway you, but he's taken. Can you believe this prized, gift to all women, golden, super husband is all mine? Yep, yay for me?

[This message edited by ILINIA at 10:39 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

plainpain posted 8/12/2013 10:44 AM

Yes, it's so special to be chosen eighteen years after he chose me the first time, and after he test drove a few other options, just to feel the wind in his hair. Thanks. Glad to know you decided I'm still drive-able, and not worth the price of trading in for a newer model. Glad to know that, since you have discovered you can't afford the maintenance on both, you decided to stay with the tried and true rather than the shiny model that makes you feel like a million bucks. So happy about that.

WoundedOpus posted 8/12/2013 12:12 PM

Plainpain, completely agree, it takes forgiving every day! It's a special kind of awful to feel disposable, especially when they're SO sure they love us now (pretty sure I heard that 12 years ago as well...)!

Let him move on and be happy with someone else? Hell no, he gets to live with me and what he did forever.....

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