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"I couldn't have had sex with her if I didn't 'care' for her."

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lucy17 posted 8/11/2013 22:26 PM

I am obsessing. I do not obsess over the actual sex acts. It's the emotional moments-the first kiss filled with excitement and twinges. Telling her she's beautiful. Holding her hand. Telling her she's amazing. Telling her he dreamed of her. Telling her she's intelligent, and athletic, and has beautiful eyes. Telling her he's falling for her. Telling her if only he'd met her sooner. Telling her if only we lived in a different country, I would be introducing you to my wife (WTF!). It seems he feels better about himself telling me that he couldn't have had sex with her if he didn't 'care' for her. When he says that I sarcastically have thought in my head, "Yeah, cuz that would have crossed the line (idiot)" or "Yes, because that would be immoral (dumbass)."
The emotional part is the worst for me. The sex is bad (really bad), but the emotional tie is indescribably and sometimes uncontrollably gut-wrenching, hate myself, stab myself in the carotid and MAKE-IT-STOP pain. Just so you know.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2013 22:42 PM

I would be introducing you to my wife (WTF!)

Yes. WTF indeed.

Please go easy on YOU, lucy.
Honey. It has NOTHING to do with you. It is ALL him.

TxsT posted 8/12/2013 00:45 AM


I agree with you that it is the emotional connection that is the hardest. I too struggle with this at almost 1 year after Dday. My therapist has been helpful in showing me that so much of the A was a make believe world where nothing is ever wrong and everything is right. I get the sex part, since we were struggling badly in that department, but it is the emotional attachment that just twists the dagger deep.

I am not sure when this started to slowly decrease for me but thankfully it has. I no longer stress over it for hours on end like I used to. I think it also helps that my husband seems to have return full circle back to our marriage and shows me nothing but love, attention and remorse.


isadora posted 8/12/2013 05:23 AM

He is rationalizing his bad behavior. FWH said something along those lines. First he loved her, then he cared for her, then had feelings, then WTF was I thinking. The longer he was NC the more his perception changed.

lucy17 posted 10/13/2013 22:00 PM

Finally, finally. He could NOT have cared for because he DID have sex with her. She was a wife and a mom. Now she is divorced, at the age of 30 lives at home with her parents, and sees her kindergarten daughter only on some weekends. He sees that he was trying to rationalize himself into a good person-but he wasn't a good person and neither was she. I think he is trying to be a good person now.

LearningToFly posted 10/14/2013 01:40 AM

My husbands affair was emotional and the friends that know think I should just forgive him and move on because they didn't have sex. What they don't understand is that he has been withdrawn and self absorbed for most of our years together. But, He gave her the love and attention I longed for throughout our 28 year marriage. Just yesterday he told me that he wasn't in love with me when we married and he isn't in love with me now but he does "love" me. On the other hand, he said he was "in love" with her during his affair but he isn't anymove. He doesn't get how hurtful that is for me. He believes it and hes "trying" to be honest.

I totally get what you mean about all the firsts. WH and OW talked about kissing for six months before they were able to make it happen since they were in different states. I can imagine the anticipation and emotion going along with the kiss they shared when he snuck out and met her after she tricked her husband into vacationing in our area. He wrote a poem about all his memories with her and called her Precious. He has never called me any endearing names ever. They shared songs, poems, and memories teenage memories from 40 years before. Amazing how he could "fall in love" with her within a year and a half over these things while he couldn't fall in love with me while we shared a life in a career he loved, made a home, and brought three children into the world over 28 years time. I can't believe he is the same guy I fell in love with so long ago. I am so disappointed in him.

Scientist posted 10/14/2013 03:43 AM

I am really sorry for you, and sorry that you are here. But I have to agree that, for me as well, the worst part was the emotional part of the affair. I don't feel nearly as bad about the sex. But the thought of her whispering sweet nothings to him is gut-wrenching. As is her admission that they never talked about me. My reaction is "What, not even to notice when I was away on business so it could happen more often?" No, apparently not even that. It really hurts to find out that you don't even have a walk-on part on your own marriage.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 13:19 PM

My BF was always so good at telling me he loved me, had sweet names for me, called me the love of his life, his soul mate, etc. so when he had the A, the sex part of it bothered me ALOT but I understand where you are coming from 100%...the emotional part was the WORST for me and still is, 14 months after DD. R has been very hard, still working through it. I had and still have the hardest time with triggers and the videos that play over and over in my head of things he must have said to her. It drives me crazy sometimes. It helps to post on here, to journal, to cry, to pray. I so understand where you are at. I too am so angry at my BF for doing this to us. I didn't think he had it in him. I'm very very sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

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