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Why am I not allowed to know what my kids do?

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Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2013 23:07 PM

I need help understanding why I'm not allowed to know what my kids do when they are with their dad. Why can't I know this? Why is it supposed to be a secret? I don't get it. Why can't I ask? Why can't I know? Why am I not supposed to care? Even setting aside the astonishingly bad and/or outright dangerous choices STBX makes when the kids are with him, what is the problem with me simply knowing WTH my kids did all day? STBX gets to ask my kids what they do every single day. He gets to know everything, from what time they get up, what they eat, when they ate, where they went, what they did (and of course everything about me, too). So how come I don't get to know about what the kids do?

I mean it. Why don't I get to know?

click4it posted 8/11/2013 23:28 PM

Nature, I struggled with this too early on. My ex would hardly tell me anything and when I would ask my kids (and still do) I get very simple answers and sometimes I get very little of nothing. Sometimes I find out stuff, months and months later and I get kind of mad.

But yeah I get it...the ex who isn't living with the kids gets to have this "other life" where we know so little and when the kids are with them its all...hush hush.

The time I drew the line is when my ex wanted to take my kids somewhere that I didn't have an address to. He said it needn't concern me because they were with him. UM NO. I refused and he didn't take them. Here on out I always have an address and phone number.

Try to keep your relationship open when your kids so that they can communicate with you and tell you what they do. If they sense too much tension, they might naturally close up.

The divorce crap isn't easy. (((((((nature))))))

PurpleRose posted 8/11/2013 23:50 PM

I'm not entirely sure, but I believe it's about their loss of control. His is one way of controlling you- namely controlling what you know.

I deal with the same crap. The Dooosh wouldn't even let my son FaceTime (video chat) with me. When I confronted him about it I got " No he can't video chat with you. It's my house, my rules!"

Or some drivel to that effect... Ridiculous really. What does he think I'm going to do? Teleport through the portal via my son's iPod and right into his crappy little living room??

No. Thank. You. I have no desire to ever be in his space ever again.

Control. They give it and take it, and it's really the last hold they have.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/12/2013 01:05 AM

NG, who is telling you that it's 'not your business' to know these things? can ask your kids whatever you want to about what they did during their 'time w/ dad'. You may not like what you hear or be able to do anything about it....but there is no Willy Wonka rule that says that the info is 'top secret.'

The unfortunate thing is that you really have zero control over what happens during 'his' time with the kids.

Sultan had the kids over last New Years Eve. sultan checked out at some point and went to bed. My youngest (13) ended up staying up until like 4am. 'My time' encompassed the next few mornings after NYE and youngest DS missed his bus 2 mornings in a row because he overslept (due to the NYE sleep deficit).....

Abbondad posted 8/12/2013 07:20 AM

Same here, Naturegirl. In the past my son called me all the time, texted, WW would tell me what they did/were doing. It is clear now,that she is discouraging or preventing my son from calling me or texting me.

This new behavior coincides with my WW retaining an attorney, so I assume it's part of her playing her new role of Mother of the Year: they are perfectly fine/safe/happy with ME.

It is a ploy, and indeed a control thing. At the expense of the kids, of course. No surprise there.

But yes, very upsetting.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/12/2013 08:57 AM

Big hugs girl. I think I know what you are feeling..

I'm sure you remember that my kids had spent time with OW before D-Day and were forced to keep it a secret from me. KIDS SHOULDN'T BE FORCED TO KEEP SECRETS.

And of course they sing like a canary about all their time spent here. BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO HIDE HERE.

I think it starts with the little, probably harmless things. Like yeah, why can't I know what you did while you were gone? Why can't I know if you saw your in-laws? Why can't I know if you ate a good breakfast/dinner?

Seeing them keep the little things a secret creeps me the hell out that there are bigger things being hidden that I should know about..

I never found "Son of Sam" newspaper clippings, but my ex was obsessed with Tru TV, Forensic Files, shows about serial killers, etc. If it wasn't ESPN at night, it was a show like that.. Never understood the fascination..

I really wish I had some good advice for you.. Just letting you know I feel your frustration..

Big hugs..

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