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Dreading anniversary despite things going well

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hobbeskat posted 8/12/2013 07:36 AM

Things are good between us- the past few weeks especially have been great. WH is loving, remorseful, attentive, open, generally being fantastic. All his shit in the past of getting defensive when I mention the A or being self pitying is completely gone and has been for a while- he , "gets it". Now, no matter where or when I mention it, he holds me and says he is sorry.

My anger at the OW who was one of my best friends is still raging, but not as brightly.

I still think getting married was a mistake and think marriage is a pile of crap now- I'm not sure that feeling will ever leave me. Marriage just doesn't mean what it did to me, even though I do love my WH.

And so it's our 1st (yep, 1st) wedding anniversary in a fortnight and I'm dreading it. I want him to do something. I don't want him to do anything. If he doesn't acknowledge it, I'll be upset. If he does too much, I'll just feel, "Well, you broke your vows, it was a joke anyway". He has the week off work and the next week we're going to Paris for my birthday. Last year, on my birthday (which was also our honeymoon) we had the biggest fight of our entire relationship which got violent on both sides, so I have that ghost to contend with now (There are mitigating circumstances here which I won't go into- basically, my family ruined our wedding night and we left for honeymoon feeling very upset, depressed and stressed because of it).

I'm not sure how to deal with this, any of this. I have no wish to punish him or to bring things up to make him feel bad. I bring things up when I feel bad, but no longer have the need to, "remind" him of what he did and how it hurt me- he knows, he really does, and he feels it acutely.

Part of me thinks I just need to, as much as possible, be in the moment. Forget the past, for a while. Lay ghosts to rest, for the time being. I don't want to spend my anniversary in tears, but I know that might happen. I try not to let resentment about that floor me, and resentment that things are only so good now because my heart got broken in the process.

Any advice? How did you deal with this?

HurtYetHealing posted 8/12/2013 15:14 PM

I just had my 15th wedding anniversary on Saturday and it sucked. BAD.

But, it's just another day. Unfortunately, for us, it's just another day in the aftermath of their A's.

As far as what you do on that day, only you can answer that. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and just breathe. Take it a minute at a time and see how it goes. If he's doing too much, tell him to stop. If it's not enough, tell him you need more.

At this point, he knows how you feel (I hope) and will adjust accordingly.

Wishing you a good anniversary. May it go in whichever direction you want.

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/12/2013 15:19 PM

It's your first wedding anniversary. Don't give OW the satisfaction of knowing she ruined your first. Go somewhere if only for a day, be alone, drink champagne, have sex, take bubble baths, giggle, smile, hold hands and have a beautiful, blessed anniversary for me....if you can't do it for yourself.

Losttransport posted 8/12/2013 15:27 PM

I worked on our anniversary. I work nights so I slept and then got up and left for work. It was a just another day I had to get through. He brought me a gift up to work- a pair of pearl earrings (I love pearls), but I didn't get him anything.

hobbeskat posted 8/12/2013 16:25 PM

I'll try but the OW sang at our wedding. I'm going to have to try my best to avoid clock watching thinking, "Oh, this is when she was singing, this time, last year".

Ours is a Saturday so no work. I'm not getting him anything. He can get me something.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 4:25 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/12/2013 16:32 PM

Look at new Recon post for you!

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