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Your feedback please - WS welcome - re: upcoming conference

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LA44 posted 8/12/2013 09:32 AM

Hello all,

Last night fWH and I talked about a conference coming up in Sept. out west at a beautiful resort. The other person would be there. Incidentally, the A got
started at the Sept. conference in 2009 and continued until 2011.

My H is very concerned about confrontation between myself and the AP. He asked him I wanted one. I assured him that I have no designs on approaching her or even picking up my wine glass with a strategically placed finger in view. BUT...if I am approached, my response will be quiet but deadly.

What can I say? I am not going to bite my tongue at that point but I will not make a scene. I have no desire to make a fool of myself and "out" the A and jeopardize future conferences for us.

We have had so few vacations together in the last 5 years. It is a shame that this one, in a beautiful setting would have her there. But so would the next one. And the one after that.

He said that he realizes he has "contaminated" this for us. That to him, she represents the "wrong" part in him. That part that hurt me and could have caused us to lose our family as we know it.

Part of me does not want to go if it makes him this uncomfortable. But the other part says, we are together. We are doing well in R. I have not been a model BS but I have shown a lot of integrity on journey. Besides her being there, this is a dream trip.

Have you attended an event such as this? How did it go? Any advice, suggestions, comments to help us think this through some more would be appreciated.


[This message edited by LA44 at 9:34 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

karmahappens posted 8/12/2013 09:44 AM

You go girl!!

Part of me does not want to go if it makes him this uncomfortable.

I haven't been in your sitch, but this ^^^ is part of his consequence. He needs to work through it and deal with this issue.

If you don't go to protect him you both have missed out on a valuable learning/healing opportunity.

Go, be united and have a wonderful time.

Confront those demons together and you will be all the stronger.


sickofthelies posted 8/12/2013 09:45 AM

Why should you miss out on something wonderful because of the OW? I say go! My fwh just had his 25th class reunion and it was possible that the ow would attend. He didn't want to go, but I told my H that she was not going to stop us from seeing our friends and enjoying the wonderful venue the event was held at.I also felt that my fhw was scared that he would have to come face to face with the biggest mistake of his life. What a shame that she was too broke and having another manic episode to attend.

Are you sure she is attending? Look, even if she is, you have done nothing to be ashamed of so why shouldn't you go and enjoy?! Go and rock it!

brokensmile322 posted 8/12/2013 09:46 AM

Ok. I haven't done this YET, but I will be...or should I say I should be doing this in a few months.

I have written about it before. I will attending a trip where OW will be. A once in a lifetime trip. It is not business, it is an award of sorts so there will be little business time.

Frankly, I do not know how I will act. I am nervous. I am freaked out about how she will act:
Will she ignore him? Well then, that should mean something DID happen.

Will she try to engage him and me? Well then that could mean something happened or didn't really happen.

How will he be? Will he be nervous? You see where I am going?

The thing is, my WH is not nervous about it at all. I am. He says lets go and show her how awesome we are.

So I guess I would ask you?

Is it your WH that seems nervous about this meeting? Did he invite you? If he did, did he know she would be there already? Or did you say you were going or assume it?

I think the answers to these questions would be pertinent.

Hugs LA! This is so not fun.

mrcpu posted 8/12/2013 09:59 AM

As for going to the conf with your WH, I think that is a great idea. For one, you can re-claim some memories. Secondly, no matter what, you will be sitting at home stewing knowing that he is at a hotel in the general vicinity of his AP.

I think you know what you need to do about being mature. If you feel that you want to "clear the air" with his AP then the 3 of you should meet someplace off site to talk.

WARNING!!! Be prepared for the emotions! You may feel panic or anxiety, especially leading up to to seeing her. I hope you share these feeling with your WH and give him the opportunity to support you and continue to work toward making up for his betrayal.

In my case, I have seen the OM numerous times since I found out. He was my best friend for over 30 years and we live in a fairly small town and, not top of this, I made a huge mistake and introduced him to my neighbor who he is dating. Plus, for a while, his daughter was still friends with our kids, so I had to come face to face with him numerous times. The first couple times gave me anxiety but after that it settled down. I just ignore him when he is nearby. On one occasion I was working on my car and he came over and tried to help (old habits). I just told him I was going to take a break and went inside and left him standing there.

The biggest problem I had, and you may have too, is hyper-sensitivity to any interactions between your WH and the AP. For example, I watch my xBFF like a hawk to see if he even LOOKS at my WW. I accept "normal" glances but am hyper-vigilant for the frequency and duration of his looks. I'm also quite happy to report that SHE doesn't seem to look back at him in any way.

You will need to set reasonable guidelines for NC and discuss this with your WH. I would recommend that you be SLIGHTLY flexible though. Assess each situation where the AP is around and come up with a code word for your WH to let him know you are uncomfortable. Maybe say "My allergies are acting up" and that means "We need to step outside and talk".

Anyway, I hope this goes well... let us all know!

rachelc posted 8/12/2013 10:37 AM

LA - I know you're asking for advice... I guess I have none.
I hate the fact that BS think they have to be uncomfortable... my stance is that it's enough that it happened, nothing else should happen that you have to "endure." I know some disagree and if you are rebuilding your marriage,I guess there will always be that feeling....

someone wrote to me last year about how the BS will now be uncomfortable, at times, this is their new reality. It sounds like you have accepted this and I commend you for it.

I'm glad you are doing on your dream trip and are working on ways to deal with this. I couldn't do it, myself.


LA44 posted 8/12/2013 10:56 AM

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. Rachelc, yes. This is my new reality. Lucky the AP does not live here so it has made my healing that much.... easier.

Just an FYI, we decided about 6 months ago that if I didn't go on this conference, H would not go either. That was his preference.

The comforting thing about this conference is that it is not in the same location the A got its start/continued. It's a whole new place. I think if it was the original spot then we would chose not to go (I have been there many times and actually find it....tacky). But this place is gorgeous.

See...we were doing okay with this until my H's bf and his new girlfriend (whom I had not met at the time) asked him just weeks ago if he was "fucking crazy" for wanting to bring me to this conference. "What if the tables were reversed?" they asked him. Wouldn't you want to punch the guy?!"

Well. I am not going to punch her (in real life). I am not going to approach her.

BUT...if she approaches me, as I told H, I will respond quietly but in a way that she won't forget.

Karmahappens, my friend. Yes! It would be a healing/learning op for us. We came through July (telling my parents and niece drama) a little scraped up but closer. I see this as the same.

Mrpcu, thank you re: code word! There is no need for us to meet to air things out. We have never met before. Why start now? As far as I am concerned she did not cause our problems nor did she provide any solution. She slept with a married man who was my H. In the end she wanted him and could not care less about me and our boys. I have nothing to say to her.

We will meet with our IC's before the trip too and one joint session to help prepare.

t/j; Brokensmile: Your comments read as if you don't know if your partner was with this person or not. I will have to read your background. end t/j

Finally...sickofthelies re:

rock it
Lucky for me, glam rock is trending for the fall and I can definitely work it!


[This message edited by LA44 at 10:57 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Rebreather posted 8/12/2013 11:00 AM

If you are strong enough to do it, go for it. I could never because I couldn't stop myself from homicide.

If your only concern about going is making your spouse uncomfortable, then OMG, all the more reason to go. Healing waywards must embrace the pain and discomfort. It will be good for him and as someone else said, a real growth opportunity.

I have no doubt your icey reply to her will perfect if needed.

LA44 posted 8/12/2013 11:17 AM

another thought I just had....H excitedly spoke about this trip before D-day so....he was willing to have me there "in the dark" - quite a vulnerable place to be in don't you think?

I may feel vulnerable at times since D-Day but at least I know. I can make choices. Thank God I know.

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:17 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

SadFlower posted 8/12/2013 11:51 AM

LA44, my advice is to GO! For two reasons. One, you should not stay away from a place/event you would otherwise enjoy. Two, your presence will put a damper on any plans OW had to get close to your FWH.

I would absolutely NOT stay home for fear of making your FWH uncomfortable. As karmahappens said, this is one consequence of his poor decision.

If you should come face to face with her, my choice would be icy civility mixed with disdain--nothing actually rude (which would draw attention to the situation). You, after all, have the moral high ground here. She is the one who should have her tail between her legs. I hope you don't have to deal with her at all, though.

My FWH's A was carried out partly at professional conferences, too. He hasn't been to one since D-Day, and he knows that if he ever wants or needs to attend one, I am coming, too.

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