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krazy8516 posted 8/12/2013 09:38 AM

I cannot stop thinking about how life was before my husband's A! Every memory (even the happy ones) make me sick to my stomach.

I sat next to my baby in her bath last night, and while she played happily with her toys, my life flashed before my eyes. When I first told my H (then my fiance) that I was pregnant - we were both scared but excited). Shopping for baby clothes. Late nights laying in bed talking and laughing. My angel being born. Lunches, dinners, trips to the mall. Everything feels like a lie now.

Just over a month ago, I knew my husband would never cheat on me. I didn't think. I didn't hope. I knew. It's amazing how one thing you didn't know can make everything else seem unreal. I have lost faith in everything that ever was, is, or will be. Is the Earth really round? Are you sure there are 26 letters in the alphabet? What if I wasn't born on December 12? I've been celebrating the wrong birthday all these years!

Every time I look at my husband now I think, I don't know this man at all. Everything I thought I knew about him isn't true. When I first found out about the A I was e-mailing a lot with a friend back home, and I told her, "I don't know what to do! I still love him!" She responded, "Maybe you love the idea of him. He's not who you thought he was."

Is that true? Am I in love with something that doesn't exist? You would think that would make it a whole lot easier to leave. Why, when I can't even believe what I see in the mirror, would I want to hold on to something that I know is false?

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post. I'm feeling particularly hopeless this morning.

Some days are better than others... today is not one of those days.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 9:38 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Completelybroken posted 8/12/2013 09:45 AM

This is exactly how I feel. I just knew my husband was faithful and I just cant wrap my head around it.

Seeing the pictures of our " happy" family on the walk kills me.

All the jewlry he bought me when our daughter was born feels tainted.

Memories of trips we took and had awonderful time on feels false. :-(

sad12008 posted 8/12/2013 09:48 AM

It is really, really hard to have your reality yanked out from under your feet. How can your memories not feel not only fraudulent but like a vicious joke?

I just want you to know you are totally not alone in your questioning everything comprising your universe. As for memories of your WS, the happy ones are the worst, IMO. I absolutely could NOT look through our photo albums for close to 2 years.

With a remorseful spouse and time, it ever so slowly can get better.

The magnitude of the damage wrought by infidelity is what fuels my rage over the 'lighthearted' way it is presented in pop culture (TV, movies, etc.). It's life-altering, not as if that's news to any of us....

Here's hoping today gets feeling brighter to you, and that tomorrow is a good day from the get-go.