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My bad, or his?

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krazy8516 posted 8/12/2013 10:16 AM

I feel like I am always going to wonder if my H is up to something. With his phone, or if he's on the computer, or when he's out of town... But this morning I "pulled a him."

He came up to my desk and asked for me a pair of scissors. As he approached, I minimized the screen (I was posting on SI and I'm not even close to ready to share it with him yet). I gave him the scissors and he walked away and muttered "Now who's being sketchy?" I don't deny it was behavior like that that helped convince me of his affair in the first place.

Soooo... should I have left SI up on the screen and risked him finding out about it? Or is it not about what I did, and more about his snarky comment? I feel like he could have handled that better. Like maybe waited 'til later and talked to me about it. I guess I am "hiding" something per se, but if he asked me outright I wouldn't lie to him.

karmahappens posted 8/12/2013 11:04 AM

Hey :)

After dday I know my husband was nuts ...thinking I would go and cheat. Somedays I let him worry

IMO you both mis-stepped. He should have asked why you minimized rather than the snarky comment...and if it were me and my H saw it I would have said

"I am feeling lost and alone right now, dealing with this is a lot and I need some help. I have found a great site online that is helping me cope..."

You don't have to share it, you deserve safety somewhere right now.

But being "sneaky" or the appearance of it just screws everyone...KWIM?

ETA...sorry I should have said that I believe it's important to address this still, even though the moment is gone. Otherwise the yucky feelings sit and fester...which never helps anyone.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:07 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

cancuncrushed posted 8/12/2013 11:14 AM

This exact thing happened to us yesterday. He went for a walk, and I checked SI and took a break from work.... He came inside and immediately looked at the screen. He has never done this before. I considered hiding it. Instead I just scanned the screen up to only see lots of typing. NO headers. He looked. He has bad eyes. I dont think he saw much. I dont think I care what he saw. Then I realized HE left his phone next to the computer. SO, he probably thought I was sneaking and looking for info. I was not. You can get on SI anytime you want. He can deal with it. ANd if he feels suspisious, its their guilt that drives them. Again, I did nothing wrong.

krazy8516 posted 8/12/2013 13:17 PM

He finally asked me about it!

We were having a heart to heart (at the office, of all places), and he finally asked me "So what were you doing this morning that you were trying to hide?" I smiled (the first time today) and said I was hoping he would ask. I reminded him that I was part of an online support group, but I wasn't really ready for him to be a part of it too (either with me, or just snooping). He said he understood, but isn't sure he likes the idea (these are our problems, nobody else's, etc). True, but these people don't know us from a hole in the wall. Folks at SI are going to be the least judgmental, because 1) they're living the same hell, and 2) they will never really "know" us. I could bump into an SI member at the grocery store and never know it (and judging by how many members there are, it's possible I already have!).

Anyway, he apologized for his comment, and for making me feel uncomfortable this morning when he took his phone from the bedroom with him. He doesn't get it that everything he used to do (innocent or not) needs to change. Has he always taken his phone to the restroom for as long as I've known him? Yes. But he has to realize that post-A that no longer matters. I don't care what he was doing in there with his phone last year... I care what he was doing with his phone in there last week, and that changes everything.

He promises he'll do whatever it takes to help me feel comfortable with him again. I want to believe him, but his mood swings are crazy lately. His remorse and transparency are subject to be revoked at any moment. Talk about a roller coaster ride!

karmahappens posted 8/12/2013 13:56 PM

Good job!!

And yay for the smile

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