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Newest Member: scorchedearth (60708)

User Topic: First week of being separated
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It hasn't been too bad. I feel happier and less stressed.

DH texted me last night and asked for DS's cell number. I was confused as to WHY he wouldn't have DS's, but has mine, given that I texted them at the same time, but okay. I gave it to him.

Then he asked how I was doing. I responded fine and YOU? He said, I have been in the hospital for a while. I had a stroke or TIAs from sleeping in my car. I still need to find a place to live. I didn't want to bother you with it, because I know that you are a happy and all. I just wanted to talk to DS.

I didn't respond. I wasn't sure if it was a guilt trip for me to ask him to come and live with us. Which is NOT what I want. IDK...

We have been separated since the first. This is his first attempt to ask about DS. Hasn't been calling. Had I known he was in the hospital, I would have taken DS to see him. But I think that he is having a pity party. I am trying not to focus on that.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job with the crickets. The info about being hospitalized seems like a baited hook to me.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40161 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that's a guilt trip designed to make you feel like hell for giving him this stroke/TIA. My STBX has also tried to lay blame on me for his current health problems. WARNING: He also made sure to tell the kids that his health problems are my fault. Be sure to manage this with your DS or else you'll find yourself accused of orchestrating your WS's illness/death.

Glad you're handling things so well otherwise. And in the future do not engage with "how ya doing?" conversations with your WS. How you are doing is no longer his business.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. I think that you are correct in saying that he is trying to guilt me into asking him to come back home. I just can't do it anymore. I wish him well, but this is really it for me.

Thank you NG for the advice not to be led into the how are you conversation again. I definitely learned my lesson. It was manipulative. I didn't see it coming.

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did well, but remember one thing: When he asks how you are, he doesn't care. He has proven that it is all about him. The only reason he asked was so he could make you feel guilty.

Here is your response the next time he asks how you're doing: "Fine, thanks."

Me: 1970
Two sons: 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3476 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ What he said - and everyone else.

Please read the Hoovering thread. I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Jam his hoover with crickets.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6000 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks pass and SBB. This is great advice.

There is actual an UPDATE to this. After work yesterday, DS told me, "I called dad." My response was, good for you!

10yo DS said, "yeah...he told me how sick he is and that he was in the hospital and that he had a stroke from sleeping in his car. He had the stroke the day that he left our house and has been in the hospital since that time."

Me: OK

DS continued...he said that he won't be able to come to any of my Football games until he can find a place to stay and get better.

My response to DS..."you know he's lying right?! He called me that night to see if we got everything moved. He was fine...remember?! He called me the next morning and you talked to him on the phone. He wasn't in the hospital. Remember?!"

I explained to DS that I offered to pay rent and security deposit so that he wouldn't be outside. He chose not to take anything from me. He was hoping that I would just say, come and stay with us, but it isn't good for us.

DS...well he was probably in there but didn't say anything because he didn't want you to think he wanted something from him! He is trying to be a man!

I told DS...OK. I can see you are being defensive about your dad. I don't mean any harm. Let's drop the conversation.

What is wrong with this picture?! Is it me?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't have a stroke from sleeping in a car. Really?

He was probably having a panic attack - if any of it is true.

I don't know how old your son is but it sounds like he loves his dad and currently believes what he says.

Its a tough one - my girls are little and I tend to tell them it is a difference of opinion. Hard to have a difference of opinion on a hospital stay though.

Would a hospital stay come up on your health insurance?

Unless he is very little I don't think saying that to him is a bad thing but you were right to drop it after his reaction.

Far more experienced posters than me will come along soon to give you advice for going forward.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6000 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 30862
Member # 30862
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB, the lying wasn't about him going to the hospital. It was about how long he was there. It will likely come out on a bill, since the insurance is in my name or through my job. DS is 10 YO. I really don't want him in the middle of it. It just isn't fair to him. I will let him believe his dad from here on out just so that they can have a chance at a relationship in the future. It just won't be at my expense.

Also, as far as his relationship with DS is concerned, I have a feeling that he will dig his own grave. There are many reasons why I chose to separate.

1. The infidelity
2. Lack of ability to keep a job and putting me in more debt.
3. The secrets when it comes to his phone and his relationships with OW.
4. I can't remember the last time I saw a pay check stub.
5. I am sick of bailing him out when he gets into trouble.
6. Recent arrest that should NOT have happened. DS was with him when it happened.
7. Things that I just don't feel comfortable discussing on this forum that I will pay for for the rest of my life.

8. Which should have been FIRST...DS has told me on numerous occasions of dad bullying him when I am not home. He literally takes his hands and puts them around DS neck. DS begged me not to say anything out of fear that it will make things worse when I am not home. If I cannot trust him with our son, then I may as well just do this alone.

Of course, the list goes on and on.

[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 2:57 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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