I'm triggering, thinking, over-thinking right now. I hope this makes sense. In my head I see all the connections and hopefully I can convey them.
When DDay and aftermath went down, I felt as all of us do, not good enough. He went and found someone prettier and better. After a lot of thinking and have realized that most of my life I've been told I wasn't good enough. And I never really thought of it was traumatizing. I just thought of it as childhood. I was the chubby kid. I wasn't good enough to play with anyone...to be anyone's friend. None of this changed me drastically. I did hate myself but again, I've always seen it as a kinda normal childhood. All through elementary school and middle I was always me...kind but quiet. I had plenty of friends and people who liked me. But I was still being judged for what I looked like. And vocally too. I went through the normal thing of wanting a boyfriend as I got older but never being good enough. I finally had a boyfriend in 9th grade and he treated me horribly. I wasn't good enough. In 10th grade I met WH. He was wonderful. I was good enough. But that was because I wa fulfilling his over inflated need for attention, affection, as admiration. That eventually blew up. He was horrible to me, too. Emotionally abusive. So much so that I was scared of him. Literally shaking driving to his house and scared to enter the door. Why wasn't I good enough? Why didn't he love me enough to want to change and not hurt me? Too bad I figured this all out later. Now with the A, of course I don't feel good enough. A big trigger has been the gym. I hated myself...obvious response is go work on you. Go to the gym. I felt like I was just going to be like OW. After the miscarriage I started going. I've lost 45 and a half pounds since March. I hate it. I hate it because it reminds me of the miscarriage. I hate it because it makes me feel like I'm just trying to be like OW. That I'm trying to be good enough. When so many people have told you, you weren't good enough, even though you were loving, kind, compassionate...isn't it true?
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
You need IC my dear. Said it often. It will help you process these internal negative thoughts.
You deserve more than someone that is mean to you.
[This message edited by NikkiD at 11:36 AM, August 12th (Monday)]
I was homecoming queen. I was an A student. I was popular in college and had tons of "friends" (what I would call acquaintances as a grown up), always had boy trouble. There were a few boys early on that really insulted me badly and it stuck. Must have been just the right age and of course I never dealt with it, never told anyone, etc.
ALWAYS felt like I wasn't good enough.
I think one part of how WH and I grew apart - I made some REAL friends who pretty much beat the "not good enough" out of me. Sadly as soon as H turned into WH I reverted back to the "I suck, I'll never be good enough" mentality.
I'm better now.
Funnily enough - I have been through hell and back. I am no longer homecoming queen pretty. I am no longer the fit outdoorsy girl I loved in college.
I'm broken, beat down, and pretty beastly really but I love me now more than ever.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He had his affair because he was not good enough a man or partner to communicate and work within your relationship. It had nothing to do with how good you were, how much you weighed or how pretty you are.
I had plenty of friends and people who liked me.
You were good enough as a child too. We all (?) feel judged at times, and it expresses in the areas where WE feel our weakest, where OUR insecurities lie.
Literally shaking driving to his house and scared to enter the door. Why wasn't I good enough?
See, it was not that you were not good enough for him; it is that you did not perceive yourself as good enough so you accepted his treatment of you. You thought that if you were only good enough, he (and others) would have to love you. To like you. I understand this thinking; it was my dynamic with FWW for most of our M.
If I hate something about myself, I can take steps to correct it (loose weight, workout, join the Hair Club for Men), or I can figure out why I hate this aspect of myself and see if there is a way to accept me for who I am. If what I hate about myself is unhealthy it is probably worth the effort to change that behavior, but with the understanding that people will not love me any more just because I am 20# lighter.
When so many people have told you, you weren't good enough,…
I thought people were telling me that I was not good enough, but it was my inner voice telling me that. It was echoes from my childhood when nothing was never enough. I won a race or two at a meet, but had I practiced harder I might have won 3. I was an Eagle Scout, but my mother was disappointed I did not also earn the religion medal.
I now work much more at being the person that I want to be. I am glad to shed friends and acquaintances (even a FWW if it comes to that) who do not like who I am, and I have better relationships with the people I do have around me because I am being an authentic me.
Life “its your thing, do what YOU wanna to do” as the Isely Brothers might say
For as long as I could remember I knew I wasn't good enough.
My IC asked me how I knew and I shrugged, I dunno, I have just always known...kinda figured I was born with it.
She actually teared up and said "Karma , people are born knowing they are good...you were taught to feel bad"
I still struggle at times with it...and I cried the whole ride home that day.
We are all good Tattood, we might fall or make a wrong choice, but inside we all entered this world good. Don't let anyone take that away from you.