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Jwayne10 posted 8/12/2013 12:18 PM

It will be four years in November since I found out my wife was having an affair. This is our story, I hope it helps someone who is lost like I was. My wife and I had been married 2 years (together 7) and had a 1 yr old son. Our marriage was really good but she started texting this guy she worked with. She didn't hide it from me at first and I was a little concerned but also felt secure in our marriage. It didn't take long for her to develop feelings for him which I started to sense and that is when our marriage started falling apart. Six months after the texting started I woke up one morning and just decided to check her phone, she had received some texts from him after she had gone to bed. I woke her up and she admitted the whole thing, she even told me she was in love with him. I made many mistakes after finding out but one thing I did right was not make a decision to quick. I told her I didn't know if I wanted a divorce but I needed time to figure it out. Over the first couple of months I was devastated, I couldn't function in daily life. We went to MC but it didn't really help, she was lying the whole time. To make it worse, one week after d day we found out she was pregnant. My daughter just turned 3 and yes she is mine, but I didn't know for sure at the time. My wife during this time actually continued the affair for another 6 months, which I didn't know about and she stopped sleeping with me. Oddly enough I think this is what saved our marriage. She had built this guy up to be this amazing man that understood her. But over time she started seeing him for what he was. Her feelings for him started to fade and she was able to start reconnecting with me. Of course I new none of this at the time. It was almost a year after d day that I found out they had continued the relationship, I asked my wife if I could see her phone records and she just started crying and told me everything that had gone on and that she had ended the affair. This was hard but at least now I knew for sure it was really over. At this point I am not really sure why I stayed, other than I just loved my family. The healing process after that was long and hard. The next year was not good, I resented her so much and she constantly told me I was no longer the man she knew. At this point I know she was past the affair but it was me that wasn't. I talked with her about the affair over and over, just trying to understand. There was never anything in particular that worked in getting over the affair other than time and effort. She began working hard at being a better wife and showing me how much she loved me, in return I finally started seeing it. About a month ago I was looking at her and it hit me, I felt the love for her I once had before the affair. I almost started crying bc I knew it was finally over. I love her so much and she has become an amazing wife and mother. We now know how hard marriage is and work at it to be better for each other. She told me the other day this is the happiest she has ever been. I will never forget about the affair but I am finally able to move past it and love my wife the way I should.

[This message edited by Jwayne10 at 9:41 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

StillStanding1 posted 8/12/2013 12:30 PM

Thanks for the note of hope!

I hope someday to be able to experience the happiness and contentedness you describe.

FeelingSoMuch posted 8/12/2013 12:42 PM

Thank you. This helps me greatly. I'm in a place where I'm waiting before making a decision and so far, have no idea which way things are going to go.

It's hard to believe that at some point I'll feel for my WW the way I used to before the A.

Thanks again.

TxsT posted 8/12/2013 13:04 PM

Jwayne

Thank you for your honest post. There need to be more of them to be honest. As I approach our 1 year anniversary of Dday and our 25th anniversary of marriage I needed to read something like your story.

I do not know why I chose to stay and work. In the beginning it was probably because I hurt so damn bad and was so damn dysfunctional that there was really no other intelligent place for me to be. Then, as we slowly started moving through the hellish mountain of hurt and pain, I wondered often if I really did want to stay.

Once, about 5 months ago I was ready to leave and turned the tables on my H and said that I was no longer working towards R because he had stopped working to figure out just exactly why he had done this shellfish act. That was the wake up call he needed to realize that this journey was so much more about him then it was about me or us. yes I was willing to share in the situation that led to a weaker marriage but hell no was I going to take any responsibility for his actions now or ever.

My 1 year Dday anniversary scares the hell out of me. I don't know what to expect from him. I know I would like to write up new vows for us to pledge to our new future (R has been going well) but I am not sure he gets how important this is for me. Someone on here actually asked me if I was obsessing over this....did it really have to mean so much,

After 34 years of my life devoted to this marriage and the betterment of it I have to say definitely no I am not obsessing. I want to know how he is committed to the next chapter in our lives and what not a better day them 1 year after the bomb fell and nearly shattered us.

I too know now that one day I will be able to have the same experience you typed about after 4 years. I get small glimpses of it already but I know my deep subconscious is making damn sure the feelings on his side are for real first. No one needs to go through this hell to wind up in the same situation.

I have said from day 1 of this journey, it is better to have tried and failed then to not have tried at all and regretted. I can get over failure. Regret would have killed the happiness in the second half of my life.

Thanks for sharing

T

Jwayne10 posted 8/12/2013 14:10 PM

Its strange but I guess there is no reasoning sometimes why we stay and make it work. I do know that eventually both people must be 100% committed. It took my W a while but eventually she made that commitment. She started doing whatever was needed to show me she had changed. I was miserable for a long time (years) but eventually I started seeing how she had changed and reconnected with me. Once I started seeing this I started trying as well. I will be honest, I was just going through the motions and wasn't really trying to make it work. I guess I felt it was her that needed fix everything. But once that happened we really started moving forward. There is no right or wrong in the healing department and it does take years but eventually it can be right again.

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/12/2013 14:21 PM

Wonderful story story. We need more like these.

kansas1968 posted 8/12/2013 14:51 PM

Thank you so much for this post. Sometimes it feels like it really will never be over. I am so happy for you and your wife. Long life and love for both of you!