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mof2 posted 8/12/2013 12:43 PM

I am new to this forum, but not new to a cheating spouse. My husband walked out on me and my kids in February for another woman. He walked out a week before I was due to give birth to the baby we miscarried in July 2012 and 12 days before our 5th wedding anniversary. Needless to say, February 2013 was not a good month. I have never felt more intense pain in my life. . I didn't even see it coming...completely blindsided. He did have flirtations with other women on Facebook that I caught, but this one I didn't catch and it stuck. He works out of town and was leaving February 11th for work. He gave me a kiss and hug before I left for work and told me he loved me. He left that afternoon for work. I came home from work to find a Valentine's Day card that said "I love you baby! ALWAYS!" and some chocolates. 12 hours later....he asked me for a divorce. I will never understand how people can hurt others like that. I found this quote that says it all.

"People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."

Luckily, I am now at the place where I feel relief and realized him leaving was a blessing in disguise. Now she gets to be the one who deals with all his shady, self destructive behavior. Our divorce with be final in a few weeks and then I am FREE!!!!

ideservebetter45 posted 8/12/2013 14:30 PM

I just wanted to say Im sorry for your pain..but yes you are better off without him because if it wasnt her,it would be someone else.My ex did the same thing.We went on a family vacation in april where we celebrated my birthday and our anniversary.In June he was acting very distant and in July I learned of his affair with the neighbor.He left me and my dd who was five at the time.I was devastated.I never thought i could feel so much pain not only for me but for my dd.But now one year later i realize im better off without him.He is a cheater and will never change.He has cheated on every person he has ever been with and he will cheat on her too.The only thing I hate is sharing my dd with her. Anyway you will be fine! You deserve better! ((hugs))

caregiver9000 posted 8/12/2013 15:25 PM

Welcome mof2! Glad you are feeling the blessings. Don't feel bad if the roller coaster gets you once in awhile. But hang on to the feeling that the blessings are great! I agree completely.

I am amazed at the quick divorce. I have heard of such things... but was not so fortunate to experience it.

nowiknow23 posted 8/12/2013 15:45 PM

Welcome to SI, mof2. So glad you found your way to us.

I came home from work to find a Valentine's Day card that said "I love you baby! ALWAYS!" and some chocolates. 12 hours later....he asked me for a divorce.
Holy whiplash! Someone capable of that kind of mindfuckery is clearly a master at compartmentalization. You sound like you've got strength and determination to spare. Good! There's sunshine ahead for you and your kids, m0f2. Just keep doing what you are doing.

mof2 posted 8/13/2013 08:26 AM

Thank all of you so much. I'm so sorry that all of you have to be here as well. It is such a tough road to be on. @Ideservebetter...your user name DOES say it all. I am staying strong! I have kept in touch with the OW's husband and he actually told me last night that my H has told her that I kicked him out. Um no...begged him not to leave. The fact is he in the middle of a mid life crisis and so is she. They are bat shit crazy.

@Caregiver, he has tax debt and other debt that I need to get away from as quickly as possible. I was the saver and kept our accounts separate because of his spending habits. I also found out that he had been high stakes gambling throughout our whole marriage. He was just really shady.

Holy whiplash! Someone capable of that kind of mindfuckery is clearly a master at compartmentalization. And NIK, I don't know how to put quotes in the box like you do yet, but what you said made me laugh. Thank you and I know blessings are in all of your future!

nowiknow23 posted 8/13/2013 08:32 AM

I have kept in touch with the OW's husband and he actually told me last night that my H has told her that I kicked him out. Um no...begged him not to leave. The fact is he in the middle of a mid life crisis and so is she. They are bat shit crazy.
The truth (that you begged him to stay) is far too unflattering, so of course he'll rewrite the story to his advantage. He's the poor, tossed aside spouse. What. Ever. YOU know the truth. That's all that really matters.

t/j - to put text in a quote box, copy it into your reply box, highlight it, and then click the "quote" button to the left of the text box.

Housefulloflove posted 8/13/2013 09:06 AM

Now she gets to be the one who deals with all his shady, self destructive behavior. Our divorce with be final in a few weeks and then I am FREE!!!!

He is disgusting. The type of guy a person should pray they DON'T end up with! I'm sure OW is getting exactly what she deserves.

Right there with your mof2! In about a month my divorce will be final and I'm so close I can taste the freedom! This journey is an incredibly hard one but so many people here prove that life AFTER infidelity can be wonderful!

mof2 posted 8/13/2013 09:42 AM

It is hard for me to believe that 6 months ago that I was begging him to come back not being able to see the future and know the blessings that would come out of this...the peace. Her husband just found two months ago and I feel bad for the place he is in, but have reassured him that he will get better. She moved out of the house last week but he still wants her back. I understand that feeling. I am actually going to email her the day the divorce is final and fill her in on my experience with him. H is cooperating with the divorce right now and not taking anything from me (I think out of guilt) and I want it to remain that way. But after it is final, I'm free to express the pain I went through. I stood by that man through his shadiness, gambling, flirting with other women, a suicide attempt due to alcoholism and remained an open book to him. Somebody who stands by a spouse in all those times and supports them and loves them unconditionally...doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.

mof2 posted 8/25/2013 10:52 AM

Just when I think I'm better...here comes the pain again. We emailed back and forth and he said the following to me:

I wanted to keep feeling the way I did about you and us as i had in the past but it was lost somewhere along the way and I knew it wasn't coming back. Everything was real for a long time, but yes at and toward the end I did fake and force some things trying to make things work. For you to think things between us and between me and the kids were never real is ridiculous. As far as the kids my feelings for them never changed and still haven't. It's just part of what happens when a step parent leaves.

OUCH!!! He "faked" it???

ruinedandbroken posted 8/25/2013 11:18 AM

mof2 - as you can see, your quote is my tag line.

My ex did the same thing. Left me out of the blue to raise two kids aged 3 and 6 by myself. I think you have to be seriously fucked in the head to do that to somebody.

Sparkles posted 8/25/2013 11:23 AM

Everything was real for a long time, but yes at and toward the end I did fake and force some things trying to make things work.

Of course he was faking - he was cheating - leading a double life!!

My stbx did this too. Left me to raise 4 young kids. He needed to be "authentic"

I can't imagine how they can live with themselves, but they do.

SBB posted 8/25/2013 11:56 AM

Everything was real for a long time, but yes at and toward the end I did fake and force some things trying to make things work.

Chances are he has been a fake his whole life. This is who he is. It has nothing to do with you, OW or anyone else. It is all him.

I know it hurts like hell and it sounds weird to say but you must not take this bullshit to heart. He wasn't faking it at towards the end, he is a fake full.stop. He just stopped wanting to keep up the act once his parasite self decided he needed a new host.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat. New relationship, same cycle. Changing the players does not change the game.

mof2 posted 8/25/2013 12:35 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I to do not understand how someone lives with themselves with that out look on life...how can you ever find a meaningful relationship? I guess you answered that question for me Strong. Rinse, lather, repeat....love it. . How absolutely exhausting and lonely!!! And Ruined...love that quote...sent that to him too. Sparkles, I told him that. He said it just "fizzled". I said of course it "fizzled", you were having an affair instead of focusing your attention on our marriage and getting help. I told him I will feel bad for anyone ends up with (except her) because he views relationships/marriages as disposable. Sad way to go through life....never satisfied.

mof2 posted 8/25/2013 14:57 PM

Lather.Rinse.Repeat. New relationship, same cycle. Changing the players does not change the game.

Strong, this quote is going to be stuck in my head and I appreciate it so much! Thank you!

sleepless34 posted 8/25/2013 17:31 PM

Hi, I am also sorry to hear your story. Going through this really stinks. My heart literally hurts, my whole chest does. I am reading all these books about infidelity and divorce as I am thinking about it all the time anyway, so why not learn something.

I feel sadness, rage, confusion, violated, and 1000 other emotions from minute to minute. Some days I feel stronger and some days I feel defeated. It is like a really bad movie and I just want to walk out, but I can't.

My DDay was 3 weeks ago tonight. I feel like the world has been turned upside down and I was so happy just prior to that!

I hope someday I feel your relief and that it is meant to be...now it just feels horrible....

FieldsOfLavender posted 8/25/2013 17:38 PM

I'm sure OW is getting exactly what she deserves.

I told stbx that they deserved each other but not in a good way.

mof2 posted 8/25/2013 19:58 PM

My DDay was 3 weeks ago tonight. I feel like the world has been turned upside down and I was so happy just prior to that!

Ugh Sleepless34...you are still in shock. My heart ACHES for you. The emotions that you go through the first 2 months (at least for me) were the worst. You basically just can't wrap your brain around it. It sounds like you were blindsided...I was too. I wish I could hug you!!!! It will get better, I promise. Just hang in there!!!! If you want to send me a personal message and we can chat back and forth, PLEASE feel free. Thinking of you!

newlysingle posted 8/25/2013 23:40 PM

mof2 - I have a very similar story and timeline to you. My STBX came home from a business trip in January and told me that he wanted a divorce. No reason other than he wasn't "happy". Two days earlier, we were on the phone discussing how we were going to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary.

I then discovered the A in early March and kicked him out of the house. She moved in with him from out of state immediately. Our divorce should also be final any day. I actually checked the court website today to see if it had been done. My attorney sent it over to the courts about a week ago and she said it takes about 1-2 weeks to be finalized.

Like you, I have also realized that I'm much better and happier without him. I'm really optimistic about my future and realize how much he dragged me down. He also was very financially irresponsible, so I'm really enjoying being able to manage my own money.

This is a horrible situation to be in, but I now see it as a blessing in disguise. I'm glad that I will get a second chance at finding true love. I just need to take the time to heal and figure out why I made such a bad choice the first time around.

mof2 posted 8/26/2013 11:12 AM

Newlysingle, our stories are similar! My H was and still is very financially irresponsible. He works contract and makes a lot of money, but also spends a lot of money. We/He owes $25,000 in taxes by October 15th. I had it put in the divorce decree that he takes that because I had taxes taken out of my check and I could not get him to pay quarterly payments. He has no retirement, savings, anything. I did help him get his credit up to above 800 about 6 months before he walked out. I got one of his credit card bills that he had maxed out and not paid. It had a late fee and interest tagged onto it...there goes his credit again.

I also just got an email from my attorney that the divorce decree should be finished this afternoon. As long as he doesn't raise stink about anything, this should be done within the next few weeks.

Cheers to being happy again and finding someone we deserve and who deserves us!!

newlysingle posted 8/26/2013 13:33 PM

Yes, my STBX also has maxed out credit cards that he's not paying. I also helped him get good credit and we were debt free other than our house. Well, when he started the A he opened up cards behind my back and started charging them up like crazy. He stopped contributing to his retirement about 2 years ago and we did have savings (thanks to me), but I took it all in the divorce. I am also taking half of his retirement which there wasn't a lot of.

He is going to be screwed financially without me, but I love to say NOT MY PROBLEM! His skankwhore appears to be just as financially irresponsible, so they'll make a great pair. We'll see if their love lasts through bankruptcy court.

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