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Sam793 posted 8/12/2013 12:44 PM

Why did I ignore the repercussions during my A. I figured the outcome would be my BW leaving me but still ignored it. Why am I so stupid? Why did my obsession overpower what I always knew was right. I know these are only questions I can answer but boy was the small gratification I received sure wasn't worth it. When I came back to earth I look at the mess I made and now am learning not to run away or find another way to deal with what I've created.

AStar posted 8/12/2013 13:16 PM

I have often wondered how my WH answered those questions for himself. I can only think that his self interest was more important than me. I sometimes wonder if the musings are more the regret for the repercussions than for the actions of the A. Consequences that you reap caused the regret. It would not be there if there were no consequences...?

Sam793 posted 8/12/2013 17:22 PM

The regret was there during the A but like everything else I did I would just push it inside me. I was full of emotions I wouldn't let out until I just gave up because there was no more room. I never let my emotions be seen by loved ones. I grew up this way starting as a small child. I think since D Day I'm better at it but still have a long road to travel.

c128hart posted 8/12/2013 23:03 PM

Sam,
If you are a WH like me, you compartmentalized things and wer ble to seperate the potential repercussions from the actual actof the A. Read the part of the healing library that talks anout compartmentalization, it may offer some insight.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 01:42 AM

Hey guys....I am a BS and I was wondering if you would allow me to enter into your conversation. Tonight has been a very hard night in our household. While watching a mini series on TV both my RWH and I got to watch the start of a new A. The simplicity of it was frightening to me and I triggered hard. Watching the simplicity scared the hell out of my H and he has told me he can no longer watch the show. Both of us have had a really hard time watching or reading anything that involves A's since Dday, which is coming up to its 1 year anniversary.

I am trying very hard to understand what my very remorseful H is going through when I trigger and can't control my tears. We have both put so much effort into R and getting to the bottom of A and I feel I am slowly getting strong enough to be able to help him through what ever it is he is going through.

My H is a very decent loving man and I know he is feeling sick and disgusted with his actions. It took me a very long time to come out of my initial shock. 4 years of an ongoing A after 32 years of togetherness was quite a shock to my system. But now that I am feeling stronger I want to try and help him carry the burden of his pain. I don't want him to internalize it for the sake of me. I want him to get it out and deal with it so he too can finally be released from the pain I know is burying him. By your posts I can sense all of you are much like him...trying to come to grips with what you did and honestly working towards R with your spouses. Would any of you be willing to share a bit more of why you feel your A's started and what it has been like to go through your end of this whole mess? What you feel when your spouse triggers, how it makes you feel when you know your spouse is trying hard to move on but has stumbling blocks?

If you are not comfortable speaking publicly, I am more then happy to receive private messages. I want to stress my intentions are honourable. I want to truly help my hubby but I first need to start to understand what I am facing and what he is feeling. He has suppressed feelings all his life.....a barrier wall he developed as a child in a house of pressure from a narcissistic father. Not much hugging and discussion of feelings, even from his mother. I know his defences and comfort zone is to burry his feelings deep inside but that is one of the main reasons why we got to where we are now.

My current attempts to get him to open up have ended in tears and apologies from me. I don't want to make this worse but I also don't want to go back to pre A problems.

I may be way off base and I am sorry if I have offended any of you with my request.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 1:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

ccw82 posted 8/16/2013 16:28 PM

BW here. My WH is in the same boat as Sam.

I feel the same way as AStar. I feel like WH threw away my love, feelings, and our marriage for his own selfish gain.

I am trying to find a way to understand things from his perspective, but it's very hard when he doesn't even understand it himself! I can't speak for your BW, but if my WH was able to find answers about himself and then openly and honestly tell me, it *might* ease some of the pain and frustration.

1DumbHusband posted 8/17/2013 00:51 AM

What you feel when your spouse triggers, how it makes you feel when you know your spouse is trying hard to move on but has stumbling blocks?

As the FWH, when my wife has a trigger, it scares the sh*t out of me! I never know how it's going to end and that scares me. It could be calm, but it could also be a very volatile and heated discussion and I end up getting slapped, scratched, or whatever. I know I deserve it and as the forum suggests, I need to man up and accept her anger and criticisms as a result of the damage I've caused to her and our M. But it is truly a very scary time. I have tried to minimize those triggers, but in so doing have TT'd details which is not productive to true R. Part of me showing remorse is not to TT anymore and accept those triggers when they happen. So I am essentially facing those fears and accepting the outcome whatever it may be.

TXwifemom posted 8/17/2013 01:50 AM

1DumbHudband

You don't deserve to get slapped, ector. It's abuse.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/17/2013 02:10 AM

Sam,

The answer to this for my FWS was excruciatingly simple- he thought he'd never get caught, so he wasn't risking anything, in his mind, at the time.

Sam793 posted 8/18/2013 09:41 AM

c128hart- I thought I compartmentalized more then I really did. Some things blended into each other so while there was compartmentalization, it wasn't a whole lot. It was more ignorance.

ccw82- I find it hard to answer some of the questions my BW has. Partly because she believes what I say is a watered down version and partly because I can't remember specifics. The more I talk about things the better I get so the answer is I need to keep on trying.

Thought- I believe that at the beginning getting caught was unlikely. Towards the end I thought about it all of the time. That's why I ended it but still ended up getting caught.

sad34 posted 8/18/2013 19:43 PM

Sam, so you are saying you ended your affair because you thought you were going to get caught? So I guess you were worried about repercussions? Correct?

Sam793 posted 8/18/2013 19:46 PM

Yes I did but not to the end of the LTA. Prior to that I didn't consider them fully.

MCJLM posted 8/19/2013 09:29 AM

TxsT,
My affair and this whole experience has been a pure living hell. To answer your question as to why have the affair... This is a question that I could not answer at first. I immediately blamed my spouse mostly, and then our marriage. It took a while, but I finally got my head out of my ass, and with the help of IC, figured it out and owned my shit. I imagine the answers from the WS's are all different, however some, eerily similar.
For me,I had deep rooted childhood issues to sort through. I also completely validated myself through others and what they thought and how they acted towards me. I did not have one healthy coping skill. I pushed inside any real feelings I had and numbed myself out with unhealthy coping mechanisms,(i.e. excessive shopping, never wanting to be alone so I had friends around me all the time, alcohol, etc.) I could go on. So at the time, with where I was in my life, I felt like my A was the only thing I had control over, strange right? Little did I realize that I had spiraled completely out of control. But with all of these reasons, I still have to look at what I've done for what it is. I was disgustingly selfish, short sighted and cruel. I thought of myself and put myself before my spouse and children over and over.
But how could I live my life and function like this? Compartmentalization, sure? But this is a whole lot of stuff to compartmentalize. I realize now that I minimized the hell out of everything I was doing. I twisted things so they made it ok from my skewed perspective. I also rationalized things and told myself that this is the only time I have ever been selfish, so somehow that must be ok. I told myself anything to make myself feel like what I was doing was ok. It took me a long time to own my own shit. That was hard for me to do, as I was someone who never did anything wrong, was perfect, would never do anything deceitful, especially this.
So now, I never in a million years would have guessed the magnitude of damage my A caused. I did not realize how badly this would hurt my spouse to his inner core. Each day, I get a different perspective on how much damage I have caused. It stings each time these situations come up. But then I realize that this is nothing compared to what my spouse goes through, so the sting lessens when I put it in perspective.
I also hate it when my spouse triggers. It is a sharp reminder of the pain I have caused him. I do my best to support him, but sometimes he doesn't want me around. I'm scared to death that one day he will say enpough is enough, he's tired of the pain, and it's not worth it.
So, I stress until it's over and I look for one sign that he's still here. Sounds weird, but that's how it goes for me.
There are times when I wish we were further along in reconciliation and I think he does, too. This is truly the roller coaster ride from hell and it seems like as soon as we get through one hurdle, here comes the next one. So you mentioned stumbling blocks? For me, I have to look at those at hurdles to get over for reconciliation. And this is his recovery. Yes it's mine, too, and our marriage, but he's the one that has been severely traumatized, so it's on his time frame.
Anyways, I hope that gives you some insight from a WS perspective.

Taurus517 posted 8/20/2013 16:10 PM

@MCJLM I read everything thing you post when I do see it because its the same way I feel, I just dont know how to put them in words.

@Sam I do also have the same issue as you. I didnt look at the bigger picture and only focused on myself. I am selfish and I didnt think of my family and what they would be going through. The thing now is to learn not to run and face the situation.

Sam793 posted 8/20/2013 18:23 PM

MCJLM- much of what you said hit home. I always thought of compartmentalization but minimalization was more like it. All selfish. That was the brunt of it.

Taurus- I need to face and deal with what's going on. It's important both to me and to my BW.