TxsT,
My affair and this whole experience has been a pure living hell. To answer your question as to why have the affair... This is a question that I could not answer at first. I immediately blamed my spouse mostly, and then our marriage. It took a while, but I finally got my head out of my ass, and with the help of IC, figured it out and owned my shit. I imagine the answers from the WS's are all different, however some, eerily similar.
For me,I had deep rooted childhood issues to sort through. I also completely validated myself through others and what they thought and how they acted towards me. I did not have one healthy coping skill. I pushed inside any real feelings I had and numbed myself out with unhealthy coping mechanisms,(i.e. excessive shopping, never wanting to be alone so I had friends around me all the time, alcohol, etc.) I could go on. So at the time, with where I was in my life, I felt like my A was the only thing I had control over, strange right? Little did I realize that I had spiraled completely out of control. But with all of these reasons, I still have to look at what I've done for what it is. I was disgustingly selfish, short sighted and cruel. I thought of myself and put myself before my spouse and children over and over.
But how could I live my life and function like this? Compartmentalization, sure? But this is a whole lot of stuff to compartmentalize. I realize now that I minimized the hell out of everything I was doing. I twisted things so they made it ok from my skewed perspective. I also rationalized things and told myself that this is the only time I have ever been selfish, so somehow that must be ok. I told myself anything to make myself feel like what I was doing was ok. It took me a long time to own my own shit. That was hard for me to do, as I was someone who never did anything wrong, was perfect, would never do anything deceitful, especially this.
So now, I never in a million years would have guessed the magnitude of damage my A caused. I did not realize how badly this would hurt my spouse to his inner core. Each day, I get a different perspective on how much damage I have caused. It stings each time these situations come up. But then I realize that this is nothing compared to what my spouse goes through, so the sting lessens when I put it in perspective.
I also hate it when my spouse triggers. It is a sharp reminder of the pain I have caused him. I do my best to support him, but sometimes he doesn't want me around. I'm scared to death that one day he will say enpough is enough, he's tired of the pain, and it's not worth it.
So, I stress until it's over and I look for one sign that he's still here. Sounds weird, but that's how it goes for me.
There are times when I wish we were further along in reconciliation and I think he does, too. This is truly the roller coaster ride from hell and it seems like as soon as we get through one hurdle, here comes the next one. So you mentioned stumbling blocks? For me, I have to look at those at hurdles to get over for reconciliation. And this is his recovery. Yes it's mine, too, and our marriage, but he's the one that has been severely traumatized, so it's on his time frame.
Anyways, I hope that gives you some insight from a WS perspective.