**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
I am trying very hard to understand what my very remorseful H is going through when I trigger and can't control my tears. We have both put so much effort into R and getting to the bottom of A and I feel I am slowly getting strong enough to be able to help him through what ever it is he is going through.
My H is a very decent loving man and I know he is feeling sick and disgusted with his actions. It took me a very long time to come out of my initial shock. 4 years of an ongoing A after 32 years of togetherness was quite a shock to my system. But now that I am feeling stronger I want to try and help him carry the burden of his pain. I don't want him to internalize it for the sake of me. I want him to get it out and deal with it so he too can finally be released from the pain I know is burying him. By your posts I can sense all of you are much like him...trying to come to grips with what you did and honestly working towards R with your spouses. Would any of you be willing to share a bit more of why you feel your A's started and what it has been like to go through your end of this whole mess? What you feel when your spouse triggers, how it makes you feel when you know your spouse is trying hard to move on but has stumbling blocks?
If you are not comfortable speaking publicly, I am more then happy to receive private messages. I want to stress my intentions are honourable. I want to truly help my hubby but I first need to start to understand what I am facing and what he is feeling. He has suppressed feelings all his life.....a barrier wall he developed as a child in a house of pressure from a narcissistic father. Not much hugging and discussion of feelings, even from his mother. I know his defences and comfort zone is to burry his feelings deep inside but that is one of the main reasons why we got to where we are now.
My current attempts to get him to open up have ended in tears and apologies from me. I don't want to make this worse but I also don't want to go back to pre A problems.
I may be way off base and I am sorry if I have offended any of you with my request.
[This message edited by TxsT at 1:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I feel the same way as AStar. I feel like WH threw away my love, feelings, and our marriage for his own selfish gain.
I am trying to find a way to understand things from his perspective, but it's very hard when he doesn't even understand it himself! I can't speak for your BW, but if my WH was able to find answers about himself and then openly and honestly tell me, it *might* ease some of the pain and frustration.
"One is not tempted by that he does not want."
As the FWH, when my wife has a trigger, it scares the sh*t out of me! I never know how it's going to end and that scares me. It could be calm, but it could also be a very volatile and heated discussion and I end up getting slapped, scratched, or whatever. I know I deserve it and as the forum suggests, I need to man up and accept her anger and criticisms as a result of the damage I've caused to her and our M. But it is truly a very scary time. I have tried to minimize those triggers, but in so doing have TT'd details which is not productive to true R. Part of me showing remorse is not to TT anymore and accept those triggers when they happen. So I am essentially facing those fears and accepting the outcome whatever it may be.
You don't deserve to get slapped, ector. It's abuse.
The answer to this for my FWS was excruciatingly simple- he thought he'd never get caught, so he wasn't risking anything, in his mind, at the time.
ccw82- I find it hard to answer some of the questions my BW has. Partly because she believes what I say is a watered down version and partly because I can't remember specifics. The more I talk about things the better I get so the answer is I need to keep on trying.
Thought- I believe that at the beginning getting caught was unlikely. Towards the end I thought about it all of the time. That's why I ended it but still ended up getting caught.
@Sam I do also have the same issue as you. I didnt look at the bigger picture and only focused on myself. I am selfish and I didnt think of my family and what they would be going through. The thing now is to learn not to run and face the situation.
Taurus- I need to face and deal with what's going on. It's important both to me and to my BW.