Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Newest Member: lostsoul8008 (61557)

User Topic: Should I talk about A before the gossip? Who/what did you tell?
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family and a friend know about A. The nurse who checked me in for my STD tests is a high school friend, so I am assuming she has a good idea what is going on. My WH asked to move teams since him and the OW are coworkers. He had to be honest with his manager and the manager is asking HR to get involved, HR lady was at our wedding. My WH is not going to Guys Weekend in Vegas, questions are arising.

As much as I want to keep it private, it is starting to get out. Part of me, thinks it is okay because then my WS has to "own it" and be a better, honest man. Maybe that is someone I could try to R with.

I am not excited to be part of the gossip, but I think I am going to be consumed with it soon.

What did you do? Who did you tell? Do you think I need to be proactive and tell other friends before they find out from the gossip mill? Do you have any good canned answers?

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 32919
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told as few people as possible. My family doesn't know. The only ones that know are one friend and my boss. If you are reconciling, I would advise not telling anyone who does not absolutely need to know.

The reason you may not want to tell all your friends, etc. is that they will all have opinions. Many of those opinions will be anti-reconciliation and they may demonize your WS. It can be difficult to deal with. As far as gossip goes, let them gossip if they want. As hard as it is, just ignore it and don't let it get to you.

Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only told a very few close friends and didn't worry much about the gossip. It was him that screwed up, no me, so I had no reason to feel ashamed. I don't know how much gossip there was, we live in a small town, so I suspect there was a lot, but the thing about gossip is that it is only interessting for a very short time. In a few months, there will be another grand bit of gossip to keep everyone occupied, and on and on.
I would just hold it to your good friends and let it go. I doubt the nurse will be saying anything because of privacy laws.
So sorry you are going through this. Just more fallout that a wayward never thinks about.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told very few people and no family. I'm very private and its no ones business

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am in the same boat as you. Quite a few people ended up knowing.

And I am positive it got around because I have NEVER been asked what OW/xBFF is up to.

I think my Mom was a big source of starting the gossip going. I don't think she had those intentions, but with OW/xBFF and her parents being such a big part in all of our lives, there was really no way to avoid it.

And to be honest, I do not care at all that people know. What they see now is a family that has worked through it and stuck together even though it has been hard.

And if for some reason someone looks at us (me) as weak for staying, well all I can say is I am happy they have never been through it. People are ignorant about things they do not understand. And I hope they never have to understand.

So, as far as being proactive and telling more people, I would think you don't really need to. If it comes up in conversation, say what you want or don't want.

BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told anybody. My fWW only told the psych when he was prescribing AD meds for her. No family, friends, coworkers know anything at all.

married 21 yr

Posts: 230 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering I was the last to know....I didn't keep my mouth shut.

Being the center of the gossip is so hurtful. I had to decide quickly to address it or ignore it.

I didn't ignore... I spoke up and crushed any little whispers I heard. Our "friends" that knew probably felt like crap by the time I was done.

I did nothing wrong...I was the innocent and I refused to hang my head in shame.

IMO the people that knew and kept quiet had more to be embarassed about than I did.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 7

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