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How do you tell WS things aren't working?

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AStar posted 8/12/2013 15:13 PM

How do I tell my WH that I can not get over his EA. How do I tell him that I am not happy? How can I tell him that I can not process his betrayal?
He has killed part of me. Part of me has died. The future that I saw for us is gone and even if it existed I don't want it.
I am doing the 180 and my WH thinks I am over the A. Everything is normal because I don't talk about it or nag him.
I want out and I don't know how to tell this man I feel nothing for him any longer. The love I had for him is dead.

imagoodwitch posted 8/12/2013 15:15 PM

I wish I knew, it's not as easy as you think it would be is it?

I hear you on this one.

(((AStar))))

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/12/2013 15:24 PM

Your pain is so fresh? How long was the affair. Is he open, are they still seeing each other. Do u have any local support?

Jennifer99 posted 8/12/2013 15:52 PM

There were so many times WH would sadly shake his head at me and say "this just isn't going to work is it?"

I used to yell "Not if you don't want it to!"

I'm all set for the day I decide - I'm just going to shake my head and say "this just isn't going to work anymore". That'll be it. Because by then whatever hasn't been said won't need to be said.

sisoon posted 8/12/2013 18:08 PM

If your H is unremorseful, or if you're really done, continue the 180, file, and D. If that's where you want to go, why do you need to communicate with him?

My guess, however, is that you want to R and that your H is at least partially on board. If that's so, the 180 is not for you.

The 180 is for a BS who wants R but whose WS doesn't do the necessary work.

If you both are willing to work for R, communication is essential, and it's absolutely crucial that you let your H know how you feel. If you don't, how will he know what help you need.

If your H says he wants to R, communicating what you feel and want is exactly what you need to do. It puts him on the spot to show whether or not he's really willing to do the work. It also puts you on the same spot.

But don't tell him things aren't working. Instead, think about what you want, and tell him that. Lay out your requirements for R and see if he steps up.

hardtimesinlife posted 8/12/2013 19:12 PM

Your dday is so recent. It is suggested that you not make major life decisions for at least 6 months because you are in shock. Your mind and spirit need time to come back in balance. You might find, after a time, that you do love him and want to R. Or you might find you don't love him and want to D. Or that you do love him but don't want to be with him anymore. In any case you might want to wait until the emotional crisis is a little less fresh before deciding. you could always ask for an in house separation, or a real sep. You could try MC. You could tell him he needs to work his ass off to help you heal because you are leaning toward D. He might surprise you or he might not. This is just my opinion but it would suck to pull the trigger on D only to find out you wish you hadn't, kwim?

AStar posted 8/13/2013 01:55 AM

My fWH thinks everything is ok and that I am trying to R. I can't handle that he was unfaithful emotionally. I can't handle his infidelity in his previous relationships. To me, his EA is a sign of things to come in future. I know he so desperately is trying to do everything right, but I don't care. I am so hurt, I can't see past what he has done. I can not handle infidelity. My Dad had a LTA and I promised myself I would never put up with any betrayal. I just can't deal with a man who previously was unfaithful, swears he has changed and goes and sends personal emails to an ex girlfriend. (Slut of note who revels in wrecking marriages .) How could he bring THAT thing into our lives. I can't deal with it and I can't get over it. I am trying- I want my marriage but not if I can't trust my husband.

Ostrich80 posted 8/13/2013 02:21 AM

I'm not the majority here, I know its recent but maybe you just know you can't. I'm sure having a father in lta has made you even more sensitive to infidelity, but some bs are just done. I
hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Who's to say you can't change your mind later if you do file.

summerain posted 8/13/2013 02:50 AM

Definitely agree with Ostrich 80, if you know you know, from what i've gathered in the US you can cancel a divorce.

In terms of answering the question there is no easy way. In my personal situation there is no freaking way I would do it at home. Maybe I would do it at a park, semi- public (bring your own car). Some might think MC is the best way. I wouldn't agree as I've heard of instances where they have tried to convince the spouse otherwise. But some say that's the best way.

This is just brain-storming, I haven't told my WH any of those things. If your WH has no clue I may personally ease into it over a few days by saying this such as "i'm feeling worse about our relationship... etc".

Hopefully someone from seperation/ divorce can pop over and give some real-life experience haha.

Personally I recommend doing some safe-guards before telling him, attained by visiting a lawyer

RockyMtn posted 8/13/2013 07:39 AM

OK, so you say you want the marriage. But you also say you don't love him and you want out. Those are pretty conflicting statements.

What I would do is take care of myself. Some people do this according to the 180 - but I actually think the 180 puts too much focus on how you interact with the spouse. I'd just back off, try to clear your mind. Find something - yoga, meditation, a vacation, IC or all of the above - that takes your mind off the M, the 180, everything. Even IC doesn't have to be dedicated to the A, per se. You need space, quiet. In my opinion, that's the only way to sort through all the noise in your head.

You may always feel conflicted about your decision to stay or go - most big decisions have some remnant "what if?" - but you need to feel less conflicted than you do now.

Of course, you can stop the D or change your mind. What I mostly worry about with folks who rush into S or D (those who are conflicted) is that it doesn't make the conflicted feelings go away. It can make them worse.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to get at - but I was really heading towards D after D-Day 2, but I didn't want to jerk the process around, especially for my kids. I didn't want those conflicted feelings to permeate deeply our first steps in the direction of D. "D and you can change your mind later" was not really a desirable option for me.

Good luck.

bestbecameworst posted 8/13/2013 07:57 AM

Just tell him "this is working for me".

File for divorce. I wish I had, because it's more difficult to get one now that time has passed.

If marriage is right for you, you can get remarried.

My perspective, 3 years out...

bbw

sisoon posted 8/13/2013 14:00 PM

AStar, I read that you're in tremendous pain. I also read that you're blocking your own recovery. That's OK for a while, but I'm hoping you're ready to move on to healing yourself.

You can most definitely deal with infidelity - you're doing so right now. I get that you don't like the way you're dealing with it, but you can change that.

One way to get unstuck is to get help from someone. It sounds like your H won't or can't do it. How about IC or a pastor or a close friend?

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