**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
I hear you on this one.
Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
I used to yell "Not if you don't want it to!"
I'm all set for the day I decide - I'm just going to shake my head and say "this just isn't going to work anymore". That'll be it. Because by then whatever hasn't been said won't need to be said.
My guess, however, is that you want to R and that your H is at least partially on board. If that's so, the 180 is not for you.
The 180 is for a BS who wants R but whose WS doesn't do the necessary work.
If you both are willing to work for R, communication is essential, and it's absolutely crucial that you let your H know how you feel. If you don't, how will he know what help you need.
If your H says he wants to R, communicating what you feel and want is exactly what you need to do. It puts him on the spot to show whether or not he's really willing to do the work. It also puts you on the same spot.
But don't tell him things aren't working. Instead, think about what you want, and tell him that. Lay out your requirements for R and see if he steps up.
In terms of answering the question there is no easy way. In my personal situation there is no freaking way I would do it at home. Maybe I would do it at a park, semi- public (bring your own car). Some might think MC is the best way. I wouldn't agree as I've heard of instances where they have tried to convince the spouse otherwise. But some say that's the best way.
This is just brain-storming, I haven't told my WH any of those things. If your WH has no clue I may personally ease into it over a few days by saying this such as "i'm feeling worse about our relationship... etc".
Hopefully someone from seperation/ divorce can pop over and give some real-life experience haha.
Personally I recommend doing some safe-guards before telling him, attained by visiting a lawyer
What I would do is take care of myself. Some people do this according to the 180 - but I actually think the 180 puts too much focus on how you interact with the spouse. I'd just back off, try to clear your mind. Find something - yoga, meditation, a vacation, IC or all of the above - that takes your mind off the M, the 180, everything. Even IC doesn't have to be dedicated to the A, per se. You need space, quiet. In my opinion, that's the only way to sort through all the noise in your head.
You may always feel conflicted about your decision to stay or go - most big decisions have some remnant "what if?" - but you need to feel less conflicted than you do now.
Of course, you can stop the D or change your mind. What I mostly worry about with folks who rush into S or D (those who are conflicted) is that it doesn't make the conflicted feelings go away. It can make them worse.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to get at - but I was really heading towards D after D-Day 2, but I didn't want to jerk the process around, especially for my kids. I didn't want those conflicted feelings to permeate deeply our first steps in the direction of D. "D and you can change your mind later" was not really a desirable option for me.
File for divorce. I wish I had, because it's more difficult to get one now that time has passed.
If marriage is right for you, you can get remarried.
My perspective, 3 years out...
You can most definitely deal with infidelity - you're doing so right now. I get that you don't like the way you're dealing with it, but you can change that.
One way to get unstuck is to get help from someone. It sounds like your H won't or can't do it. How about IC or a pastor or a close friend?