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Another detail not given

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RemorsefulWH posted 8/12/2013 15:23 PM

I've managed to omit another detail without even knowing. HOW is this happening? Today my BS has had dialogue with one of the OW. Whilst she is clearly lying about certain things (she is claiming nothing actually happened but I have already told my BS we kissed) and is twisting things I believe, she has also sent copies of some Facebook dialogue to my BS. My BS is understandably devastated again but will not tell me what it says as she is desperate to hear something/anything come from me after such a long TT. I have now recalled one message but do not know what else could have been said. This is a massive issue for us as I honestly have no recollection of any specific dialogue between me and the OW's. Part of me suspects the OW has edited the dialogue prior to sending as the message I recall she sent is not there apparently but I have so little belief in myself on this type of thing I could be wrong. We had been communicating far better lately and had another MC session booked for tomorrow and now my behaviour and lack of certain recall sends us tumbling backwards again. I'm not sure my BS can take anymore and I'm entirely at fault but have no clue what the messages contain.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/12/2013 16:51 PM

The fact I can only just recall one message now is another form of TT, even if I thought I had no idea, what is wrong with me? Another mess I've caused

LosferWords posted 8/12/2013 19:02 PM

I guess my best advice is to not to be defensive about this new information that is coming to light. It's hard for a BS to process new information/facts/discoveries, even if it wasn't something that you left it out on purpose.

Good luck in MC tomorrow. Let us know how things go.

ETA: Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 7:03 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

NoGoodUsername posted 8/12/2013 19:03 PM


I sincerely understand. There are so many details to remember and human memory is so unreliable, particularly under stress, that you simply don't recall everything.

The best I can say is start writing things down. Not for your wife, but for you. Fill in the gaps and check your correspondence. It's going to be hard, because you are going to want to avoid putting things down fully or accurately. It's going to hurt like hell. You're going to avoid and weasel the truth, but you are doing this for -yourself- and you already know the truth, so write it down.

Don't show her the contents, this is your safety net to try and be honest with yourself. After you have worked on it, use these as notes for yourself so that you can tell her about it. Any time you shy away from the truth, or get scared and avoidant it will be there on the page in front of you. Think of it is your reference materials for a presentation.

I didn't have it printed, or even complete, but this is how I got through my full confession yesterday. I knew the hard truths were typed up on my computer, waiting for me to come back to them. I had faced the truth already, which made facing my wife possible.

Who knows whether my marriage will survive at this point. I have to say, that at least it feels like a clean wound now rather than a festering one.

I wish you courage in this. I was there yesterday. I know how you feel.

c128hart posted 8/12/2013 22:58 PM

Good luck. Writing things down for yourself seems like a good idea. I am glad that there is some level of understanding about a WS having difficulty remembering all the specific details of the A so that they can answer all the BS questions. I want to remind you that while you are being completely transparent with your BS you have to expect them to read your notes before you have finished them. Hiding them i not the answer either. So be prepared to have the discussion anyway.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/13/2013 03:23 AM

I am absolutely finished with hiding or lying about anything, which is why I feel just as frustrated as my BS. My timeline has been edited many times through my TTing but I've always felt confident that I'd got the level of contact correct, even if I couldn't recall the actual content specifically. Unfortunately I'm not sure if my BS will be willing to attend MC at this point now

NoGoodUsername posted 8/13/2013 05:18 AM

Yes, what c128hart said- don't hide the notes and do expect your spouse to read them. I had meant that they are for you while you are getting your act together.

You have got to be honest in them. They are your practice run for the truth and can also help with recollection.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/13/2013 15:36 PM

MC session was very mixed, although only our second session with our new MC so hard to judge.
It's hard to explain where we are now, we've had so many set backs along the way and yet this time it feels like my BS is done. Too many "I don't know" answers from me, genuine answers now, but might as well be lies and another betrayal.

RemorsefulWH posted 8/14/2013 14:47 PM

Well I was right, my BS seems done and has asked me to leave for a few days....
No point having me here
I'm still lying
Havent done enough to remember the details I have forgotten

The list could go on.
However down I am, on this occasion I have to respect what my BS has stated she wants/needs currently and whilst away continue to look into what I can do to recover more details.
This isn't over and I'll keep working but am very scared I've lost my beautiful wife.

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