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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: the early stages of dating, conversation, texting, etc...
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are weird.

So, I met a guy from Match, and we hit it off. He's smart, funny, is who he says he is (Yes, I Googled him ), has a good job, very involved with his kids, etc...

He is interested. No doubt. I'm so out of practice, though, at how to "get to know" someone. When I get nervous I clam up - which is NOT what I want to do!

Anyway, I think what I'm asking is what's "normal" in the beginning stages of dating? Like, do you ask about the past? (we've talked some about it, he's been forthcoming, as was I). Do you just keep asking question after question? How much is too much sharing at first?? What do you do about lulls in the conversation?

And, for all of you who ARE dating, is talking on the phone a requirement for you? I loathe it, and I told him I did. So we text mostly. And that is ok with me, and with him. But on Baggage Reclaim she says that's not ok. So I'm confused about that. If it works and things are still casual, why is it not ok? I mean, I would certainly pick up the phone if he called, and I DID call him before our first date, so it's not like I can't.

Ugh. I just don't want to eff this up. Signed, nervous newbie!!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2616 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, for all of you who ARE dating, is talking on the phone a requirement for you? I loathe it, and I told him I did. So we text mostly. And that is ok with me, and with him. But on Baggage Reclaim she says that's not ok. So I'm confused about that. If it works and things are still casual, why is it not ok? I mean, I would certainly pick up the phone if he called, and I DID call him before our first date, so it's not like I can't.

I think she considers it a big deal because it is such a small thing. If it's not vital to either of you I wouldn't sweat it.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't like to talk on the phone, you don't like to talk on the phone. I don't either. Even with my SO who I love very much - our phone conversations are very short - less than 5 minutes usually.

The bad thing about texting, is that it's sometimes hard to determine the intent. I have been misunderstood in print (emails, text) and it caused all kinds of problems that could have been avoided.

So I don't text long things - usually just short messages, and then if a follow-up is required, I call or just plan to see the person.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7789 | Registered: Aug 2005
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like talking on the phone either so usually stick to texting. There have been times when something has been misinterpreted but not very often, and I have usually found it a good way to communicate.

I think you should take it as it comes and try not to stress over it, easier said than done I know when you like someone. Just go with the flow. Don't be afraid to ask questions, but don't go overboard on any one subject. You should be able to tell most of the time if they don't want to continue with a particular conversation. Relax and it should be fine.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For what it’s worth, I’ll tell you what I like. I think it’s appropriate to talk about the past and the present… to a point, but it drives me crazy if on a first date a woman wants to know the minutia of my life. There are far more interesting things going on in the world and I for one am interested to hear what she thinks about them. It’s a first date not a job interview. If there is a second date, maybe at that time I can talk about my tax returns for the past 3 years…just kidding, sort of.

Now if there is a pause in the action that’s not always a bad thing…sometimes silence is fine especially if you had been married for 20 years but whoops…of topic. Back to my point, if things turn uncomfortably quiet , you are not the only one sitting at the table and maybe he might want to take an active role in the banter and if he doesn't just look him in the eyes and say, “hey dork breath, say something”. Ok, maybe that’s a bad idea…come to think of it, I would think it was hilarious but of course I’m not him so use that at your on peril.

I have enough stress in my life as most do, so I’m looking in the beginning for someone that I can relax with and just have a normal conversation over a glass of wine. Is that asking too much? If we as a match dot duo can’t agree on what a normal conversation is well…I guess we don’t need to start thinking about the place settings at the rehearsal dinner quite yet.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s a first date not a job interview.

This!!! I remember when I first told my mom about the guy I'm dating. She started asking me all sorts of questions that I couldn't answer and got a little frustrated with me. Finally I said, "mom! I just went on a date with the guy, I wasn't interviewing him for a job!" We both had a little laugh over that.

But it's true. There's a balance between grilling someone and just talking about whatever comes up. It's more a searching for what you have in common kind of conversational flow rather than a show me your resume kind of flow if that makes sense.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Text is fine for chatting, but should not be used for big conversations. That doesn't mean you need to talk on the phone; it could mean that you see each other in person often enough to just text between and still feel connected. That's how I have interpreted BR's anti texting for realistic use in my life.

I would never have an argument over text, toss out a first ILY, etc.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13880 | Registered: Jul 2011
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's nice to do simple activities that don't focus so much on conversing and eating. Like going for a walk, looking at an art gallery, a museum, a sporting event, or some kind of activity. Somewhere you can just be with the person and see what their energy field is like.

Who cares what their past present or future is like if you can't enjoy simple pleasures together.

I agree we all have a lot of stress and dates are supposed to be a place where we can relax a bit.

I like talking and conversing, but I try to not go on and on like I can with my sister or my girlfriends, simultaneously keeping 5 topic threads open. I think I could really wear a guy out.

Nutmeg, this should be fun and relaxing for you so if you don't like the phone keep it short and sweet. Rely on in-person communication and see text as just a filler as it is too cold for real communication. And there is no need to keep the texting or whatever communication going all day long. It's great to be able to mostly keep your focus on your own life and to miss each other in the silences and absences. Constant reminders get boring.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:31 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5905 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think texting or messaging is fine - to a point. I usually prefer a phone conversation prior to a first meet, but I'm a talker.

I don't like to message or text too long - at some point I prefer a face to face meeting. How are you feeling about a meet nutmeg? Or are you content with the texting? (Everyone is different)


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4674 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
trebleclef
♀ 33488
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, thanks for posting. After 43 years with the same man I am now dipping my toes in the online match world, and am totally freaked out. What a boatload of weirdos out there! HotJim. HotFunDaddy. FunCowboy. HotGrampsFun. Bathroom selfies. Bloated guts and bad teeth who want someone who looks hot in a bikini. Everyone wants someone 15 years younger. Dudes with no pics and no info who case your profile 32 times in two days. EWWwww!!!

I did meet one nice, verifiable gent and we had a comfortable coffee. But I didn't sense any particular interest on his part and no response post meeting. So I suggested maybe it wasn't worth pursuing, and now he wants to meet again.
I HATE this. I hate having my stomach in my throat if they don't respond, and if they do. I HATE being here at 58 and I HATE that XWH put me here! I intended to die in his arms in the old folks home. :(


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't want to eff this up. Signed, nervous newbie!!!!
Sorry, but this line made me smile. I have sooooo been there. I am now an experienced (almost 2 years? Sweet Jesus) on line dater. I have learned that if I focus too much on not effing it up, I am not being myself. If I read the cues, try to say the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, the other party isn't getting to know the real B4Me, and that isn't going to let him or me decided if this is something we want to pursue.

If you prefer text to call; text. If there is a lull in the conversation, don't rush to fill it. If you have a question, ask it. If you feel there is too much sharing, change the subject...Be you! Do what feels normal for you.

We are all just figuring this "stuff" out. No one really knows what is "normal" for you, but you. And it takes awhile to figure out one's "normal" when one hasn't dated in many years! Nothing feels natural the first few times you do it...

(and hello to TrebleClef..hope you find some insight on OLD aka On line dating on this forum--start a thread and ask questions anytime you have some. NB people are full of great advice and insight on all things New Beginning related!)


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all on topic, but I had to lol at "HotGrampsFun".


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are good. Thanks. Exactly the advice I was looking for.

I have learned that if I focus too much on not effing it up, I am not being myself. If I read the cues, try to say the "right" thing and do the "right" thing, the other party isn't getting to know the real B4Me, and that isn't going to let him or me decided if this is something we want to pursue.

YES! I needed to be reminded of that. I need to just be me. The "me" I am when I'm not trying so hard. I need to listen to my yoga teacher's advice and "try easy", instead of trying so #@@$$#$ hard all the time.

And this, IL, is worth gold...

Rely on in-person communication and see text as just a filler as it is too cold for real communication. And there is no need to keep the texting or whatever communication going all day long. It's great to be able to mostly keep your focus on your own life and to miss each other in the silences and absences. Constant reminders get boring.

Thanks all. Really. Spot on as always. Y'all are wicked smart.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2616 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 13

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