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5 years from d-day ramble, note-to-self

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ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/12/2013 16:37 PM

D-day was 5 years ago today and just about 4 years divorced (next month) D-day is sort of like my New Years, because I actually look at it as when my new beginning started, rather than the end of my marriage. I was completely blindsided and our relationship ended immediately. Like he packed and left within 30 minutes of confrontation, immediately. 18 years married and together 22, high school sweethearts and at that moment on d-day, it was all erased. I don’t remember one G*d damn thing…good,bad, nothing. That moment erased years of my life.

So as my d-day anniversary rolls around every year I tend to gauge my progress. I don’t feel like I am as far as I’d like to be. But on the other hand, I really have no clear direction in which I am headed. Although we were D 4 years ago, he was jerking me around financially for another 2 years until he paid up. It really hindered my personal progress because I was still focused on him and the D. During that time I was struggling tremendously trying to deal with all the stress and actually had a heart attack at age 39. (99% blockage in my widow maker, I am lucky to be alive) It was another setback for me.

I do have an SO that has been through it all with me, but while our relationship is exclusive, it is casual in that we do not spend all that much time together, live separately, and get together a couple of nights on the weekend. That relationship seems like a slow sinking ship in which I am totally confused about. I care for him deeply but the relationship is not progressing. Probably a result of a little dysfunction on both our parts, both being BS’s that were burned very badly.

The truth is, I do not know what I want. Only that I am not happy with the way things are, (not just with SO) So I am reflecting today on my d-day anniversary and it seems like what I need to do now is not much different than when I just found out, and that is to concentrate on me. So I am re-committing today to “do me” and stop worrying about everyone and everything else. Ahhh….co-dependency!

To that end, I am off to get myself a massage and a glass of wine before going to bed early tonight.

A while back, I hung a sign above my front door. It is the last thing I see before I leave for work every morning:

~ Every day is another opportunity to change your life ~

It fell down and almost hit me in the head…

Sad in AZ posted 8/12/2013 21:08 PM

The universe is trying to tell you something: It's time for another new beginning.

Pentup posted 8/13/2013 10:30 AM

I always feel like Sept is a time for new beginnings. I think I still think in school terms even though I have been out for umm a "few" years.

Good for you for taking time for you!

better4me posted 8/13/2013 12:06 PM

One of my favorite quotes "Success is not never falling down, it is getting up every time you fall" (Think your sign falling down reminded me of that one)

and another "It doesn't matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop"

You are doing just fine! I wish you the best in sorting things out with your SO and in figuring out what is best for YOU.

ladies_first posted 8/13/2013 12:21 PM

ItsNotUitsMe, when was the last time you said (with a genuine smile on your face) "No, thank you, I'd prefer not" --- and meant it?

ItsNotUitsMe posted 8/13/2013 16:08 PM

ItsNotUitsMe, when was the last time you said (with a genuine smile on your face) "No, thank you, I'd prefer not" --- and meant it?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you knew the answer to that question before you wrote it.

The truth is I have no problem asserting myself in every other aspect of my life. Most notably, I am a manager in a male dominated field and I can do that in most situations and as a matter of fact, I have to restrain myself at times because I can be TOO assertive.

Now, when it comes to matters of the heart? That is an entirely different situation. I am confident in my work, but in love? I suspect that if it is not my confidence level, then perhaps the end result/goal is very clear at work and in my personal life, it is not. And I really haven’t figured out how to get that clarity yet.

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