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I'm going to hate myself...

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/12/2013 17:21 PM

if I'm fooled again. About a month ago WH and I decided to give it one more chance. But wasn't that what I was doing for a year and a half? Chance after chance. Time after time being shown who he was. Time after time finding out he didn't have it in him. Time after time being emotionally abused. What makes this time different? Honestly...I have no freaking clue. Maybe it's knowing that I know how to detach. Maybe it's knowing that I had power in this too and being ok without him. When I say I'm giving him another chance I do feel like that abused wife with a black eye and broken arm who goes back to her husband while everyone tells her she is crazy (WH has never hit me...that was just an analogy). I don't want to be wrong. I've wanted us to work since the beginning. I just didn't want to be emotionally abused...and we got to the point where I had to walk away from the marriage to get it to stop. I feel stupid for giving him this chance. I feel scared. But I'm hopeful. And I feel stupid for feeling hopeful. It's like I don't want to jinx myself. If I say that I'm optomistic or that thing are going great, that everything will fall apart. Because isn't that where so many of us were on DDay? Blindsided. Last time I was happy he was cheating on me. Well, here's to hope.

Kajem posted 8/12/2013 17:33 PM


No words of wisdom, just hugs and hope that you both can make it work.


Jrazz posted 8/12/2013 17:36 PM

I think I understand where you're coming from.

Every time I feel my guard lowering and hope creeping in, I want to get all protective and shut down again... but that's no way to live a life.

Nothing you do here is stupid, TCD. You just have to go with what feels right, and if that changes then you change course.

It's scary to think about being vulnerable, but being able to let go of some things is where real peace lives, I think.

I'm working on it too.

Tred posted 8/12/2013 17:39 PM


Last time I was happy he was cheating on me

I so know that's hard to get comfortable again, isn't it? Good luck. You've been around long enough to know what you are getting into. No risk, no reward, but failure is going to hurt.

sisoon posted 8/12/2013 17:43 PM

Isn't a lot of music theme, development, repeats, resolution? (I hope this isn't another example of 'a little learning is a dangerous thing'.... )

I hope this is the resolution coming up, and I hope it gives you the M that you want.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/12/2013 18:15 PM

It's not so much a feeling of, "what am I going to do if he does a, b, c again." It's more like me screaming at myself, "what are idiot?"

ButterflyGirl posted 8/12/2013 18:49 PM

In a weird way (not meaning to offend anyone), sometimes I think I would have rather had a black eye or a broken arm than the words that cut me so deeply.. Maybe he could have actually "seen" what he was putting me through. The pain from his emotional abuse has lasted so long and been so hard to heal from. Even separating his words from reality was tough at times..

You're a strong girl China Doll. I would keep your defenses up for a while and make him EARN back your trust and vulnerability. Watch.His.Actions.

Sending you lots of hugs and support and good wishes that he treats you with the respect you deserve.

T/J. How did the job search go? Still looking for a music teaching job?

soconfusednow posted 8/12/2013 18:50 PM

Last time I was happy he was cheating on me

I know the feeling, my WS always treats me better when there is someone else. I'm hoping this time it's really his desire to R like he says, and it's not just a smoke screen.

HFSSC posted 8/12/2013 18:51 PM

TCD, you're in my prayers. If you read my profile, you'll see that I had a LOT to get past. (as did JM)

And this last go-round... I truly thought I was done. I did not want things to work out but I never felt any peace about moving on either. When we started talking R, (again!) I was so scared. Felt so foolish. And when he broke, did I ever feel like the world's biggest idiot.

But he truly has done the work to become a safe person and a Godly man who is leading us. If anyone had told me 2 years ago where we'd be today, I would suggest they go to rehab.

There is hope. But I also believe you are strong enough to handle whatever life throws at you. You are gonna be okay, no matter what.


TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/12/2013 19:08 PM

Totally off the topic of my thread but of course I was feeling triggery about the baby thing last night and today. I had posted about not liking my body even though I've lost almost 50 pounds because its a reminder of the miscarriage and feeling like I'm trying to be like OW. So what happens just now? I started my period. Another reminder of the miscarriage and a future ruined by the A. Day 25 of my cycle so way early. Uuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Anyway, back to the topic. ButterflyGirl - not a damn thing came through. And nothing else makes sense at the moment to do because of childcare.

Thank you every one for the positive thoughts. I worry that this is like the parent that never follows through and gets taken advantage of by the kids.

rachelc posted 8/12/2013 19:10 PM

(((TCD))) you will so be in my prayers tonight.

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