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cantaccept posted 8/12/2013 20:50 PM

Quiet evening, we are not speaking except for bare essentials.

This sucks.

This is the only way for me though, right?

I feel like I am fighting myself to not give in and go to him, tell him I love him. Try to fix this.

I keep telling myself, reminding myself, this is up to him, he needs to own his behavior. If he cannot do this then I am better off alone.

It hurts, I feel like I am doing something wrong. This is not what I want.

He needs to prove to me if he wants this, that he can make the necessary changes.

This internal battle is exhausting.

The internal anxiety, heart palps, inability to eat anything, feels like the beginning all over again, except he is here and I can't scream.

LifeIsBroken posted 8/12/2013 21:13 PM

You are living with a sad state of affairs (no pun intended). How much more can you take ? If you are allowing him to treat you so poorly, what kind of example does that set for your sons? They learn how to abuse their spouses and get by with it? I feel the pain in your post. If you find it difficult to make a big step, maybe you can begin with a small step each day and eventually find yourself on a road to recovery - YOUR recovery - as the small steps add up and take you to a better place. Please do not let this man disrespect you any longer. Sending hugs.....

cantgetup posted 8/12/2013 21:17 PM

Do give it time to take effect. It does work. You will be glad you did. Yes, it hard, hard, hard. But no as hard as starting over and over and over as you have been. I can't think of anything harder than that. Hugs

cantaccept posted 8/12/2013 21:58 PM

Do you mean give the 180 a chance?

I think I just need to put one foot in front of the other, keep going, in the right direction for me.

I need to get back out in the world with friends. Do my best at work again.

This state will not last long, he is not a patient man. He will either take responsibility for his actions and move forward or he will leave.

He has an appointment on Wednesday morning with our MC, if he keeps it that may make a difference, our MC is that good. If he breaks it then that is just another nail in the coffin.

I am not sure what else I should be doing. I have already been through the process of filing for d, back in November, so I know the ropes, no biggie, very simple for us with no kids. We have no equity in this house, it is in my name only, so I will stay. He will probably argue but not much to argue about. Half of zero is zero.

He couldn't get a mortgage to buy me out. There really isn
't much choice about that.

Not sure that I want to even stay here, too many painful memories. That is something I can deal with later.

My first priorities, getting some peace. Reestablishing myself at work. Detaching. Doing good things for me, friends, painting, reading, exercise. Try to eat. Try to sleep more. Put money aside.

He will do what he does, it's on him. It is sad, he has this chance with someone that loves him, if he continues to wall up his heart and abuse everyone close to him, he is going to live a very lonely life.

He recently told me he was verbally abusive to ow.

I don't know how there was enough time to get to that point. He left me on oct. 21 and ended with her on dec. 10. How can your worst come out so quickly? Oh well, doesn't really mean anything to me, just reinforces his anger isn't about me. It's all about him.

HurtsBad posted 8/12/2013 22:09 PM

This internal battle is exhausting.

Amen!

You know in your head that this is the best course. Hopefully soon, you will know it in your heart.

You must listen to what your head is telling you. Be the strong person we know you are. Post here when you need to.

And if you slip or falter, get right back on the wagon.

No matter what happens, it will get better.

cantaccept posted 8/13/2013 06:07 AM

He slept on the couch, didn't speak to me all night.

Who's doing the 180?

It seems like it is bothering me more than him.

Aug 21, next week, our 11th anniversary, I wish I could fast forward past it.

Aug 23, next week, he started his a.

I hate that this is a part of my life now.

So today, my day off from work, the day we have been trying to do fun things together, I must try to fill.

What do I like to do?

This is too fing sad.

ladies_first posted 8/13/2013 09:59 AM

What do I like to do?

This is an excellent question to explore! (regardless if you R or D)

Here's a thread with solo activity suggestions:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=503643

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