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A trigger, and wonderings

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musiclovingmom posted 8/12/2013 21:59 PM

Monday is my best friend's 30th birthday. Tonight, she posted on fb asking for celebration ideas. I tend to draw on my own experience when answering questions and so naturally began to think about my 30th birthday. There was an art walk in our downtown district that I desperately wanted to go to. My then bf (now H) made arrangements for his mother to watch our son. Art is not really his thing, but he wanted to take me to do something I would love. When we got to his mother's, she had baked, at his request, two large chocolate chip cookies and sandwiched them together with chocolate frosting. He knew I much preferred cookies to cake and that I had only had 2 birthday cakes in the past decade. I felt so special and loved and happy. While I was remembering this, it hit me. He had been sleeping with OW 2 for 2 months by that point. Just another of my favorite memories blackened by his choices. But, remembering that genuine happiness. We were both so happy. It made me wonder. How did he do it? How could he possibly be genuinely happy with me and still be in a relationship with her? I asked him again tonight. He doesn't understand it either. He swears he's trying to figure it out, but I don't know if any explanation will ever help me to truly understand. It's so far out of the scope of things I could do. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who needs to understand. Sigh. Hopefully time will lesson that desire.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/12/2013 22:53 PM

I hate the triggers. It makes me feel insane, one minute I'm normal the next I'm really angry or crying, but mostly angry. I'll think of an occasion, like our daughters bday and remember that was where WH met the OW. The whole day becomes a bad memory. I can't stand the triggers. When do they go away? My WH wants to R; but, I have my doubts. How can I trust him again? I feel so foolish.

dameia posted 8/12/2013 23:40 PM

I know what you mean MLM. It sounds like your WH is a master compartimentalizer, just like mine.

My WH and I had some wonderful times during his A's. We went to Hawaii, had a blast, he cried after our DS1 was born...on and on. Turns out, two weeks after we got back from Hawaii, he was in Thailand and had sex with at least 3 hookers. Six months after DS1 was born, yep, back in Thailand with at least 4 hookers. It blows my mind.

I also have a need to understand everything. I just keep thinking if I can figure out why and how he did this then everything will be better. Unfortunately there are no answers.


strongerdaybyday posted 8/12/2013 23:43 PM

dameia - i too have this need to understand everything. i need to know all the details. but i think having all the details will hurt me, and yet I still have a need to know.

ItsaClimb posted 8/13/2013 01:10 AM

{mlm} I truly understand and I'm so sorry you are hurting.

I think we are trying to make sense of something that defeats logic... But yet we need to understand it, we are driven to keep scratching, hoping that somehow it will suddenly all make's a hideous situation to be in.

heforgotme posted 8/13/2013 05:26 AM

I asked him again tonight. He doesn't understand it either.

This has been one of the hardest things for me. WH told me early on, "Look, if you are trying to make sense of this, you never will. None of it made any sense." And since then there are times when we talk about things that he will just shake his head at himself. Sounds like a blow off, but at this point I believe him. He was a mess and behaved irrationally. And there's probably no explaining something that had it's basis in irrationality.

But still sometimes I try. Humans want the world to make sense. And this was just senseless. Blah.

musiclovingmom posted 8/13/2013 13:06 PM

stronger - it seems you are very close to dday. Breathe and focus on you for now. You don't have to make a decision. At a year out, I still trigger often, but most of them are fleeting.

Dameia - the birh of our first child, our engagement and all our wedding planning happened while he was involved in multiple affairs. So many, many happy moments that I now question the authenticity of.

Itsa - this. So much this.

I think we are trying to make sense of something that defeats logic

I keep hoping that will fade, but it hasn't yet.

AML04 posted 8/13/2013 17:00 PM

Heforgotme-I could've written your post. It's SO hard to hear that he doesn't understand how he could do it. Or doesn't remember things or even feelings. We went through So much during the time he was "sexting" and then the PA too. He had a whole other life I didn't have any idea existed.
I just want to open his brain and rip it out!
Master compartmentalizer indeed!

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