Mostly I see myself as a strong, confident, self-determining woman. It's over 5 years since D Day and I've moved on from the divorce. But there are dark corners of my psyche where frankly I still see myself as a victim: My X abandoned poor me in a terrible situation from which I am helpless to overcome.
I got the marital home in the D and then it spiraled down in value to almost half what I bargained for. My X was very handy and terrific at both maintenance and property development and I am not. I have been doubting my ability to maintain this place every step of the way, both practically and financially.
This month a retired neighbor (who makes more being retired than he did when he worked) is helping me rebuild my rotted out deck. And he is doing all this amazing work in exchange for baked goods, fruit from my trees and tomatoes from my garden. He feels good being needed and helpful. I am acting as his assistant and learning to be a bit more handy although I don't think I could ever rebuild a deck on my own.
In this process of deck building I am letting go of that victim-ey identity.
Staying in that victim place is a huge energy drain. Who would have thought that this practical task would affect my psyche in those dark corners?
I am proud that I am doing a decent job of maintaining this home and 5 acres, and it feels very grounding to do it. Today part of the irrigation busted with water bursting everywhere but I knew how to handle it. I enjoy the outdoor work, and using my hands. This is a beautiful place to live. Last night I stepped out on the new deck and watched the shooting stars.
Symbolically if accidentally my neighbor stepped on a cheap red heart on my doorstep that I had brought up from the apartment that my X and I lived in for most of our M. It shattered into many small pieces. I felt stunned when I saw all the little red bits scattered around.
Always more and more layers of letting go.