Seriously, we're only 11 months in and he no longer has compassion, he no longer wants to talk about the A (because he doesn't want to feel guilty anymore), and he can't even pretend to care when I'm sad. This is a very different person than the remorseful WH 6 months ago.
I think I'm done. I really don't see this working if he can't help me through the healing this early on. I really think the narcissist who committed the affair is the same narcissist who doesn't want to feel guilty anymore and "just wants to be happy" and not talk about how bad of a boy he was. Can people really change?
He refuses to do the work. He refuses to read these threads to see how I'm not crazy, and NO, I'm not just TRYING to make things worse by having a bad couple of weeks.
I'm at such a loss. With two precious little boys to consider, too...
Sorry I can't be more help but ((((hugs)))) to you and just know that you aren't alone.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14
Yes, people can really change but they must honestly want to change. I do think that for many it is very difficult. I live with a man that has changed, but he hit rock bottom in the shitty life that he created and did not want to live like that anymore.
The true test of a remorseful WS is found in his/her response to the many bad days experienced by the BS.
Looking back I think there were times that I intentionally made my WH life 100x more difficult JUST to see if he would stick it out, to test his level of remorsefulness.
One thing my WH knew with 100% certainty: I am a woman of my word, he was going to do the work (as my tagline clearly states) to fix the mess he created or we were done.
If your WH is serious about R he must be willing to make the effort 100% of the time...not just when you are "low maintenance"
Bottom line, I too would be done if my wH wasn't consistently making an effort...always.
I am sorry that you are not getting all that you deserve from your WH.
Sometimes extreme action is required, like asking him to leave, seeking the advice of an attorney, or filing for D, for the WH is wake up to the reality that you will not stand by and allow this.
Wishing you strength.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
If you still really want R, this is something that can be cleared up in MC, if you're both willing to do some MC. That is, an MC might be able to explain to your H that he needs to support you during rough times and that the fallout from the A lasts a looooong time. So, where does MC fit for you?
How about the other biggies? Is your H honest, transparent, NC, good boundaries, in IC to change the thoughts and feelings that allowed him to cheat?
I ask these questions because you say you 'think you're done', not 'you're done'. If you really mean ending your M is the best decision for you, I honor that decision.
In terms of IC, he has only gone a few times after I have booked the appointment for him and insisted he goes. Otherwise, he has no desire to go. He doesn't think he needs the IC to work on himself and insists that he only had an A because he "was unhappy", and now he just needs to "stay connected" to me and everything will be fine.
He WAS transparent and willing to talk early on, but not anymore.
In terms of boundaries, he is still showing a flirtatious tendency towards his YOUNG female employees and then acts like I'm crazy when I point out his behavior. He blames it on his personality and swears that his intentions are pure (which I believe in this case, but geez...be on guard!).
So regarding your questions, my answers are gray. I guess that's why I feel stuck. When we're good, he's loving, does nice things for me, acts remorseful and tender, etc. But is that enough to bank on? That he's going to be "good" going forward as long as I remain low-maintenance so he remains loving? If he doesn't want to do the work, to me it means he doesn't really care about my feelings and making sure I heal.
I sent you a PM. I hope you see it. I think the article in it might help you.
flirting with employees - very bad, very unethical, very dangerous legally - this guy is taking big risks and probably has poor boundaries
dodging IC - he's afraid of his pain, of course, but unless he resolves his pain, he's a loose cannon
unwilling to examine the bases of his behavior, thought, and feeling - he cheated because he unhappy? Does that mean he can cheat the next time he gets unhappy? The fact that he doesn't see this is a giant red flag.
reduced transparency - big red flag
unwillingness or inability to comfort you or even be with you when you're having a bad time - do you want to stay with a guy who walks away when you need him most?
I think your answers are extremely problematic from the POV of R.
You may not be done, but he's absolutely not a candidate for R at this time.
What do you think about doing the 180?
ETA: To be clear, this many red flags are very serious, IMO. I'm convinced they make your H a non-candidate for R at this time. But these thing alone don't mean R is impossible. Right now, I think you have to choose between 1) S/D, 2) wait, observe, and delay a D/R decision until you feel more comfortable going one way or another. So the sitch isn't good, but you still have options.
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:18 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
What is the 180?
One day, one emotion at a time... Together.
I feel the exact same way...see exact same actions from my fWW...she gets into rage almost faster then I do.
I have the same feelings you do....that this is a sign it is over. But then I saw your post....it appears this could be a phase.
I will read other posts on this thread now...but please refrain from making decisions right now. I am going to do the same....may just be a stage...not the end we feel it is.
God be with you.
My wife is continuing IC on he own...not weekly but regularly.
I requested a break from MC...wife is insisting on continuing MC. We have talked about it. ..and both agree our old MC did all she could...time to find a new one. She is working on that.
My fWW never has been truly deeply remorseful....so she did not slip back like your fWH.
We have talked about separation...but I am not for that at this time...feel like if that is where we are at we should move to divorce....
Really...I am lost....not sure why I posted to this thread. I guess I just can relate to 11 months out and wanting to quit.
God be with us all.
He doesn't think he needs the IC to work on himself and insists that he only had an A because he "was unhappy", and now he just needs to "stay connected" to me and everything will be fine.
How is he "staying connected" if he's avoiding you when you're trying to emotionally communicate with him?
That's sounds like a recipe for disaster.
If he's not fixing the "why", and he doesn't use the tools he's been given to stay connected then it's very easy to understand why you're afraid right now.
Does he understand that you may be contemplating divorce? Have you said to him (maybe during a MC session) "I need you to be able to cope with my bad days or I feel this relationship is toxic to me and I will no longer be part of it."
Sounds like he's doing just enough, but none of the heavy lifting.