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I want to walk

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Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 00:03 AM

I want to leave so much. Then I start thinking about what that would do to my kids and I cave. Fwh is on an out of town trip for work and one of my boys came to me and said 'I miss my daddy' and I broke. Wtf. I can't be married to a cheater or destroy their world either. Where is the 3rd choice??!! I feel like I have to pick, stay or go, but I can't do either

Ostrich80 posted 8/13/2013 00:25 AM

Yes I agree, a 3rd choice would be perfect. I know how difficult it can be. Having children involved can rack you with guilt. Your right, being M to a cheater doesn't work either. Just sucks no matter what choice is made. If they only could see the future devastation, I wonder if their choice would have been different.

RightTrack posted 8/13/2013 00:44 AM

Yeah, I can't do it to the kids. I also didn't leave because we didn't have the money to fix the house up enough to sell it for a good price.

That was last year. This year there are more reasons to stay.

katola1 posted 8/13/2013 21:00 PM

Leaving is the last thing you do. Don't be a sap either. Be tough, set rules. He's not perfect and don't let the kids know about this stuff. It's hard enough growing up these days. They need two functioning parents. They need stability so be stable. It may hurt but give it 110%

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 21:27 PM

I can't even begin to tell you how much that advice angers me. Wtf. How can you tell someone leaving is the last thing they do when their spouse has been screwing someone else. Give 110% to his cheating ass and a marriage I don't want. To make it better... Opps he made a mistake but he'll change and be better from now on. I'd rather divorce his ass. They have two functioning parents and no clue what is going on. No thanks to their cheating father. I think it's safe to say the seething anger has set in

katola1 posted 8/13/2013 22:08 PM

Sorry. I thought you wanted a third choice? Your upset, I get that. There is no easy answer I just wanted you to do everything possible before you walked out.

heartache101 posted 8/13/2013 22:12 PM

OMG I so remember this. My oldest stormed out the back door and ran across the backyard screaming I don't want my mommy and daddy divorced. Broke my heart. Needless to say we stayed together.

I honestly think if I would of had counseling back then it would of helped me.
First I would of been told to focus on me that is ok. For me to have a hobby and to do things for me. I never did. I didn't do one thing for me till 2008. Sooo that is my advice to you.

Be selfish love yourself and give to yourself. I am soo sorry I know where you are and it is a painful spot to be.

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 22:17 PM

Not your fault I'm angry lol. That's the kicker. If I could just say I will stay, he would move heaven and earth to make me happy. But I just can't 'want' to stay with him. I stay for the kids and that pisses me off because I didn't get a choice in his affair and I don't feel I get a choice in leaving. Sure I could leave, people figure it out all the time, but it would destroy my children. So I feel obligated to go through the motions so their world is still safe, because lord knows my world isn't. And that makes me angry too. Then I'm mad that I'm so freaking mad. I want to tell myself to quit whining and man the f up, but then I'm just disgusted with the only choices I see that I have. Basically the wind blowing pisses me off right now!

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 10:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

DecadeCentrifuge posted 8/13/2013 22:22 PM

My $0.02

It's easy for me to say because I don't have kids (and I have no idea what that's like), but if you want to split, I'd say split. My folks stayed together when they really shouldn't have and it was terrible.

You can bury the marriage and still be an awesome mom. If the marriage is over, you're not going to be able to hide it from your kids anyway.

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 22:24 PM

First I would of been told to focus on me that is ok. For me to have a hobby and to do things for me. I never did. I didn't do one thing for me till 2008. Sooo that is my advice to you.

Pretty much what I was told by our mc so I'd have to say you're right on. Doing things for myself just feels so empty right now

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 22:28 PM


It's easy for me to say because I don't have kids (and I have no idea what that's like), but if you want to split, I'd say split. My folks stayed together when they really shouldn't have and it was terrible.

Complicated by the fact we have 5 kids and financially I can't leave, even with child support. Unless I were to move back where my family is for help, which I can't because he's military and can't just up and move so he would fight it. Even if I got a court order and won, not seeing their father would again destroy them. I feel like a caged animal backed into a corner.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 10:29 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 8/13/2013 22:35 PM

I cant remember who but I just read someones tag line the other day that really sums up my belief when I started R.

"Seeking the path of least regret"

The last thing I wanted to feel was regret or responsibility for leaving. Once R was even a remote possibility I decided I needed to give it my all. If I ended up walking I needed to do it with a clear conscience that I tried everything to save my family.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/13/2013 22:35 PM

DBL Post...Sorry

[This message edited by Chicho at 11:06 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 22:46 PM

The last thing I wanted to feel was regret or responsibility for leaving.

That sums it up right there.

Once R was even a remote possibility I decided I needed to give it my all. If I ended up walking I needed to do it with a clear conscience that I tried everything to save my family.

And that is just where I can't get to. I know if I did it would work. But I can't get to wanting that. Does it make sense? Who wouldn't want to save their family?? Why can't I just get there??

ButterflyGirl posted 8/13/2013 22:47 PM

Basically the wind blowing pisses me off right now!

Yep, I know what you mean. After an A, either way you choose comes with it's own set of problems, and it's still gonna hurt no matter what you do. It's really un-fucking fair what he has done to you and the position he has put you in.

Wish I had good advice, but I can only offer you lots of hugs and validation that you have every right to feel the way you do..

((((((Lostinthismess))))))

AFrayedKnot posted 8/13/2013 23:05 PM

I sat down one day with a pen and a piece of paper. I tried my hardest to set the A's aside for a bit. I wrote a list of all the positives that I have seen in my fWS, pre Dday and Post Dday.

From that day forward I started seeing her as a good person who was extremely broken and needed help. My anger turned to pity as my empathy grew.

Its a process. Dont rush it. You dont need to make a decision right away. It doesnt have to be R or D. It can just be not-D for now until the right decision becomes apparent.

Lostinthismess posted 8/13/2013 23:08 PM

You're right, that's what I tell myself. He deploys in a month though and it's so friggin easy to hate his cheating ass while he's gone. There's a level of detachment that comes with an impending deployment. Add in an affair and a current general f you attitude and it feels hopeless.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/13/2013 23:10 PM

(((lostinthismess)))

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