SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/13/2013 01:46 AM

How many of you moved on and found real love or someone who treated you so much better than your BS? How long did it take you to find that person?

I am starting to feel down and need some encouragement.

How many of you found yourself with a similar guy and different relationship problems?

NaiveAgain posted 8/13/2013 05:02 AM

Many of us have moved on. We have dated again, had fulfilling relationships (some worked, some didn't), found new careers, new hobbies, and a new life.

I have had 2 serious relationships since my WS. The 1st lasted 4 years and I went into it knowing it would not last, but the chemistry was amazing and it was fun and exactly what I needed for that point in my life.

I am now dating (for 7 months) a man whose sun and moon rises on me. I am a priority with no doubts about where I stand. I am finally ready for this type of relationship. I wasn't before (I thought I was, but no....)

I waited 2 years after my WS before dating again. I was vulnerable and not in a good place. Instinctively, I knew if I dated I would accept "less than" behavior from someone else and I did not want to degrade myself by putting up with someone who would not treat me well. That is because my WS left a hole inside and I knew I could not use someone else to fill that hole. I needed to learn how to fill myself up and be happy on my own before accepting another person in my life.

You aren't there yet. At this point, you are looking to fill up that emptiness he left inside. When we are looking for someone else to help fill us up, it makes us a bit desperate. Predators and users can smell desperation.

Take back your life first. I read your other thread. You put way too much effort and thought into a guy you hadn't even gone out with.

You need to get to the point of being able to pick and choose and drop a guy like a hot potato if you aren't getting your needs met because you realize that he is just a happy addition to your life, not the part of your life that you can't live without at this point.

((((hugs))) You will get there. When you learn how to be complete without a mate, you will draw healthier partners towards you. You can't rush this. You will have to deal with loneliness, pain, and more loneliness. But it is worth it in order to find the right type of person for your life.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:03 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Amazonia posted 8/13/2013 06:07 AM

I fell in love, in an extremely healthy relationship, a short time after my divorce, but I was only married a few months, so it didn't take so long for me to heal. I also did a lot of hard time in IC and focused a lot on myself. Then that relationship ended. Now I'm dating again after about a year single.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:08 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

ninebark posted 8/13/2013 06:45 AM

At the end of my marriage I met a man through a friend. We became good friends, but ONLY friends.

When I separated he made it clear that when I was ready he wanted a chance to take me out. So when I felt I was ready we started dating.

We have been together a few years now. He treats me the total opposite that EXH did. He puts me and my son first, he does things for me all teh time and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

I just made sure that I knew what I wanted this time and what I was willing to put up with or not put up with as the case may be.

I am quite happy with my situation now.

Dawnie posted 8/13/2013 06:58 AM

I met my now husband just 6 months after my D-day. I had no intention of being in a relationship that close to the end of my 20 year marriage, but there was no stopping it... he literally swept me off of my feet. He treats me so much better then my XWH did, and I have never been happier in a relationship then I am with him. We have been married close to 2 years and together 3 1/2 years.. and life just gets better by the day with him. I never realized how unhappy I was in my previous marriage until I was out of it and was with someone who really wanted to be with me and loved me. Everything happens for a reason, and in reality the XWH's A was a gift in disguise...

You will find your way... hang in there

Williesmom posted 8/13/2013 07:16 AM

I've been divorced for 5 years now.

I've had a couple of relationships, but no real love yet.

I will say that EVERY man that I've dated since the D has treated me better than my Wxh. I'm so much happier as a single person than I ever was with him.

Hang in there - you will create a new life. It just takes time.

Newlease posted 8/13/2013 09:18 AM

My first relationship was only 9 months post-D. It was way too soon, and left me with more pain and scars. Five years post-D I started dating my now SO. He is a wonderful man and we are moving in together this fall.

The thing I have learned is that I will be ok with or without him. I am happy with myself and my life. I keep all the relationships with my single friends going even now.

At my age (52) I have learned that romantic relationships may come and go, but good strong friendships can be forever.

NL

dindy posted 8/13/2013 12:27 PM

I'm only 6.5 months put since DDay and no way near ready to meet someone yet. BUT, I'm confident I am going to meet someone who can love me for who I am and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

The more I heal and the more I learn about myself, the more I am unwilling to allow anyone to treat me the way my ex did. It was such an unhealthy relationship with his needs and career always having to take priority over me and our children.

I know I am capable of giving and receiving love, loyalty and honesty and I am excited about my future with that special person who can help me show my children what love is really about: the long haul, commitment and respect.

Hoops posted 8/13/2013 16:50 PM

Almost everyone I dated after my ex treated me at least better.

My first realstionship was one I never should have entered because we were just not right in the long run. We were from two different worlds and they were never going to mesh. He treated me very well, adored me and I am sure would have gotten married if I had wanted to.

After that I sort of floundered around for a while, a few just wrong guys, then I got myself wrapped up with someone who had some of the same tendencies. He was a KISA (I was much more sure of myself and was taking care of my life so that was a bit scarry because I think he liked people who needed saving to believe they would stay with him) and he was very negative and played the same victim roll my ex did. I fell hard for this guy and once he kept running back to "rescue" old GF's (ironically his XW had apparently cheated on him twice so I thought I might avoid this behavior) I got tired of being his "fall-back girl". I felt horrible about myself being someone's option.

I started dating just to move forward (TOTALLY the wrong reason!!!!) and because I was partially checked out I ended up finding someone super positive (because I wanted someone opposite the last one I got really hooked up on). And he treats so wonderfully. He is very different then my XH. Positive, outgoing, motivated, an open and upstanding person. We are getting married on Thanksgiving morning.

So I did go on to find something much better. It took a while and I was VERY picky but sometimes it does work out.

Frequently we talk about our paths crossing and it always comes back to the fact that we met because of all the things we went through. The timing had to be just perfect. So maybe the bad is just a learning experience and is setting you up to cross paths with someone at the right time for both of you.

So I did date some people totally opposite, then fell back to something firmiliar and (thankfully!!) it did not work out and I did end up with someone very different. He is the kind of person I love being with. We are not saving each other ot

I.will.survive posted 8/13/2013 17:36 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling down. I haven't read your story yet so I don't know where you are in the process.

My last year of marriage I was pretty much living an in house separation and not knowing about the affair. (I asked, he denied.) We were separated a year and a half before we divorced this past March.

So technically, my heart and mind have had 2 and 1/2 years feeling unmarried while still legally joined.

I say that because I have had time to detach. Finding out about the affair was devastating and helped me quickly determine he was not the one for me. Do you feel that way? Or are you still hoping or pining for him?

I have found real love now. I met someone online the month I got divorced. He is the TOTAL opposite of my ex. He puts me first, wants to spend time with me, truly cares about my well being.

I trust him fully. I never guess what he's feeling, he tells me and shows me. He builds me up constantly and I'm not someone who needs that, but it's surely nice to hear.

Our goals are similar, our backgrounds are similar, our family values are the same. We are interested in each other's hobbies, like similar food and enjoy being together.

These are all the things I should have had with my husband, but he never made me feel like his best friend. Ever.

All that to say....you will find love again. But you need to be happy with yourself first. Completely and utterly detached from your STBX or ex, whichever he is. Don't look for your next SO too soon. You want to find a real man who loves the real you. Grief, pain, anger, loneliness, etc can mask the real you. Give yourself time, please.

hexed posted 8/13/2013 18:30 PM

Many people go on to find love with a partner again. Many people find that they learn to love their own company and become content with being single.

Healing takes a good long while. I personally don't think focusing on finding love is healthy during the early parts of healing although it is really really really hard not to do it. Are you open to being in love again? Are you ready to be vulnerable again? Are you ready for the risk of getting hurt again?

I'm in loving, respectful, trusting relationship with my SO of 3 years. We have had ups and down that I've shared here on SI. I have no idea if it will last forever. What I do know is that no matter what happens to the relationship, I've been treated well mostly and I would repsect him if he ended the relationship. I would be hurt but it wouldn't be the same as it was with my X.

fireproof posted 8/13/2013 19:48 PM

I will most likely be in the minority but I don't think you should try to reach the same definition of the word.

I had a close marriage- no problems until he was done- no MC. I knew him close to 20 years.

I don't know what I will find in this second go at life but I believe it is trial and error. I have had a real love and if I am lucky enough to find it deep in my heart again then I hope it will be its own experience.

I will say the more you love yourself and are strong within your values the more likely you will find a partner.

I do believe love is possible again but it will be different and that might be both interesting and truly wonderful.

phmh posted 8/14/2013 18:10 PM

I know you are focusing on romantic love, but in my NB, so far I've learned to really love myself again (I had stopped doing so during my marriage, without realizing it.)

I've also realized the love that I have for so many of my family and friends. It was always there, but buried a bit as I was so busy focusing on XWH and his never ending black hole of neediness and trying to avoid cracking all of those eggshells.

Focus on that, first, especially self-love. That will help ensure that when you are in a romantic relationship again, it will be a strong, healthy one, instead of falling into the same patterns with a damaged person.

I know it takes longer than we'd all like, but it's worth it.

Averyhurtgirl posted 8/14/2013 18:18 PM

Thanks for all of your stories and advice; they truly were encouraging.

Sounds like almost everyone met people that treated them better. That is something to look fwd too.

I'll see where things go with the old guy of mine. People say take my time and make sure I am ready but the truth is that although it has been 14 months since DD, I did not get my emotional or physical needs met for 5 years now. While my ex was cheating on me for 5 years, he was not invested in me or genuine.

I feel ready now to go out there are meet someone new. It is hard for me to let go of the idea that an old ex may or may not be interested. I'll wait and see how things turn out.

Helen of Troy posted 8/14/2013 18:51 PM

someone who treated you so much better than your BS? How long did it take you to find that person?

Stranger in the grocery store treated me better than x did.

I am in a relationship now. It took two+ years post divorce to find him.

cayc posted 8/14/2013 18:54 PM

ranger in the grocery store treated me better than x did.

Hah! Yes this! The bar is very low for someone treating me better.

But finding my current SO? Whom I adore and clearly adores me? That took about a year and half from when I filed for D, kicked xWH out of the house and went full NC with him.

forced2moveon posted 8/15/2013 14:30 PM

I moved on and met the love of my life!

I met him unintentionally just 1 month after my cheating husband walked out the door. I was extremely depressed when my mom showed up at my door to take me to see a blues band. I was so uninterested in going that I wore sweat pants! My now SO played in the band and asked me to dinner. I went and he and I have been going strong for over 9 years!

h0peless posted 8/15/2013 15:22 PM

But that's probably because I'm not ready to let myself be vulnerable to someone else. I may never be.

[This message edited by h0peless at 3:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

SoHappyNow posted 8/15/2013 15:24 PM

I thought my beloved late husband was the love of my life. He broke my heart - twice - with his PA (dday 11/05), and then his EA (dday 04/07). But I forgave him and worked to heal myself. Then 11/10 he found out he had terminal cancer. He asked his best friend to look after me following his death.

In many ways, his best friend (now living with and lovin' me) is even MORE compatible with me and I'm happier than I'd been in years!