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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: asking about my day, good or bad?
soconfusednow
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning my WS was acting different. I couldn't tell if he was just extra tired or guarded. As we were eating breakfast he asked me about my day. I want to believe he's truly interested in what I'm doing. But I wonder if it was more of a fact finding question to know when I wont be able to check-up on him. Unfortunately do to my commitments and his location there is no way I can verify what he's doing today :( I'm really struggling with the "I want to trust and can I really trust?" Today is gonna be a really hard day. The last time I felt this way I caught him with the OW


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you tell him you were feeling uneasy today? And ask him to check in on his own?

In the beginning on really rough days when I had to work, I would ask my fWS to send me texts every half hour and pics throughout the day to prove where she was. If you are busy you may not be able to check them in the moment but at the end of the day it will help you piece the day together.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should absolutely be able to tell him how you feel. We all have bad days and communicating your uneasiness is really important in these situations. It does help keep panic at bay.

I would also try to explore why you feel uneasy. You said he seemed different today. Why did you feel that way? Dig deep. Have you been feeling this way for awhile and have been pushing it aside? Or was there something about today that triggered you and then made you read into his actions etc...

You know the panic gets our minds going. When our minds race, we end up with our mind be filled with what ifs, which in turn, fuels more mind racing, which fuels more panic.

Try and take a deep breath and uncover what is behind your feelings. It could be fear. Other than this AM, is your WH doing everything he can do to make you feel safe?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1613 | Registered: Jun 2012
soconfusednow
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Content  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Chicho & brokensmile for your support. I called him, told him how I was feeling, and what Chicho said. I had a text within 5 minutes followed by a phone call to make sure I got it! Then he proceeded to talk to me until the sadness in my voice disappeared and told me he would try to remember to send more text thoughout the day.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
struggling3
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCN...Good for you that you let him know and that he responded in a perfect way. I (with the help of my IC) have been really trying to redirect the horrible anxiety that can come from a thought...any random thought that can spark it.
My H asks me every day what I have going on. I'm off for the summer and he knows that idle time makes for tough days sometimes. I honestly think it is just concern for me that I'm going to be able to keep busy with something. Maybe your H also is just concerned for your well being as he is asking these questions.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome

Great job working together


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling and So....

I too struggled with anxiety but mine was not about his location. We thankfully live almost 4000 miles away from the OW and they have no way of contacting each other except by work phone.

My anxiety was triggering, panic attacks, and those nasty unstoppable motion pictures with private viewing in the comfort of my own head! They consumed me, made the A 10 times more torrid then it was. Hubby and I finally figured out that if I was able to express them to him as quickly as possible it spared me from the worst of the pain. Hubby also felt great that he finally felt like he could help me feel better in some small way. His new mantra was my less pain equals his less shame.

It is wonderful to hear that you guys are openly asking for help to dispel your fears. Keep the open communication going. Both of you win when there is less mind bending!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
soconfusednow
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sick of the rollercoaster! He sent me 3 pictures. The last one being as he left one location to go to another. This was the time period I was most concerned about. When I asked for a picture he called me & refused, had an angry attitude and said "my phone's almost dead" we'll talk about it when I get home.
He called later from his work phone and said he had to help someone out after work, so he'd be home late. We got into an argument which ended with "I've been praying about what to do maybe this is my answer." & I let the words I didn't want to say slip out "If you want to walk away just do it."

I am totally unprepared, I don't have a job & my job skills are limited, I don't know what my rights are, we have very little savings, and most of all I just want to love him & be loved by him.

I thank God my kids are grown and out of the house so they don't have to witness any of this.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry he didn't step up today.

Refusing to help you, getting angry, and coming home late, do not sound like remorseful behaviors. They sound more like red flags.

Have you read about the 180? There are posts about it in the JFO forum as well as the healing library.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2692 | Registered: Aug 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes time for the 180

Red flags are a waving!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
soconfusednow
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Question  Posted: 5:48 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when he got home we both sat silently for a moment before he handed me his phone and said "would you like to see it before I put it on the charger?" And asked if I'd also like to see his work phone. He explained the last picture and the reason he took it the way he did. (Driving down the road with the passenger seat empty, so that I could see he was alone)

Then He said "I don't want to walk away." As we continued to talk it through he said "sometimes I feel like you are trying to push me away"

just a little history
7months ago - when a choice was demanded by me he said "I chose her, but I wont ask you to leave because this is your home too" That night I left a note asking him to read a chapter out of 'The Five Love Languages' When I got up the next morning he said "I contacted her & told her I want to work on my marriage.
4 months ago - "I'm not going to MC anymore it's a waste of money if I'm not sure I want to stay married"
Yesterday - "I don't want to walk away"

So my question is this, Are things slowly getting better or am I just fooling myself?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
struggling3
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SCN))))
You are so very close to your D day. I can clearly remember that awful time...not knowing up from down. I don't know your full story and how deep your H was in. It can take them quite some time to come out of that fog. Try to concentrate on yourself...and I know that is so hard..but you truly can only control that and not much more. I hope he gets it soon and starts putting some work in to helping you and your marriage heal.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 12

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