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Compartmentalization question

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plainpain posted 8/13/2013 05:27 AM

I still struggle a lot with triggers. Part of the pain is not only that I am reminded of the A, but that I am feeling like my H is suddenly reminded also, and thinking about the OW. My fear is of course that he would be thinking about her with longing.

My H wanted the A to end, he confessed the whole thing to me on his own, he is remorseful, there is NC... but the EA/PA went on for almost a year, and I have a hard time believing he can just 'forget' someone he saw almost every day, who made him feel like a million dollars. He is in deep pain over the A itself, but he seems absolutely content to have washed his hands of her and to never see or hear from her again.

I ask him if he has any anger towards her at all, and he says, 'To be angry at her, I would have to care about her. I don't have any feelings for her at all.'

He says he doesn't want to think about her or be reminded of what he did. So my question is, if and when he has his own triggers, are they truly painful like they are for me? Or do they have the potential to make him miss her? I am afraid that distance from the A is going to make him forget how much devastation it caused, and that there will be more 'fog' and/or re-writing of story.

I am also afraid that there is something seriously broken in him, that he is actually able to have an intimate relationship with someone for a year, and then just block them from his mind. Just wondering, is this compartmentalization, or is this a 'you're all dead inside' kind of thing?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:58 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Blobette posted 8/13/2013 06:29 AM

Is he in therapy? My story is something like yours - my WH confessed and immediately turned against the AP. Honestly, I think he feels mainly shame when he thinks about her. But he's currently working through this in therapy, so I'm trying to let him marinate and not ask him too much about it.

The thing is that this kind of extensive compartmentalization has to come from something pretty powerful. So I agree with you. Until he gets to the bottom of how he was able to do this, he won't be a safe, integrated personality. You're probably right, I think, that he's compartmentalizing the past in the same way that he compartmentalized the A. So he really needs to deal with this.

plainpain posted 8/13/2013 14:56 PM

He isn't in therapy. He didn't turn against her immediately - he actually was quite compassionate towards her at the beginning, and felt like he needed to apologize to her for using her. Whatever. That was when he was still in 'the fog'. He was the KISA, and he really hated the thought that she would end up thinking he was a 'bad guy'. He's over that now, and I'm glad. I'm just not sure how feelings and thoughts will morph over the years. As time goes by, will he think fondly of her.

She is claiming to be pregnant, and so we are still in a waiting game to see if that was a lie, or if our R is going to get a whole lot more complex. We're in NC, so it makes it hard to find out. I think for that reason alone, he just doesn't want to think about it.

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