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Would you do this?

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simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 08:37 AM

I could use a few opinions on this. I've been thinking about it for a while but always decided not to.

He has a friend that he spends time with. This friend is a mutual friend. I was friends with this person first and I introduced the two of them.

I've been debating whether or not to contact this friend to see if they are actually texting and hanging out as much as what my husband is telling me.

Here's my problem. If they are hanging out together and I ask then I just told our friend about what's going on in our marriage. On the other hand, if I do ask him and he says no then I know he's with someone else.

I've been thinking about this more and more since I found our he has changed the passwords to his LinkedIn account as well as the AT&T account and now his Twitter account. The only access I have left to know what is going on are his two email accounts and who knows when he'll change those passwords. He also put the domain name for eharmony into his safe senders list so he can now receive more newsletters from them (he's been reading them as well).

So, did all of this rambling make any bit of sense?

I'm not sure what to do about contacting this friend. The bottom line is, is that he (husband) cannot be trusted at all.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:37 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

hotcoffee posted 8/13/2013 08:40 AM

I would ask. Is there a way you could ask without giving away too much? Maybe a specific date or activity you are suspicious about?

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 08:48 AM

I have a few dates in mind and I could just ask about those. The thing that makes me nervous is what if he goes back to my husband to find out why I'm asking or what if he asks me why I want to know? How do I answer that?

hotcoffee posted 8/13/2013 09:09 AM

Is this a friend you see regularly or more your WH's friend? I'm thinking of friends of mine (none of them cheating!) if the wife just said in conversation "Was it last Tuesday that you and X went to the bar together?" I would just confirm and wouldn't even think twice. If we had not been to a bar together for weeks, I would say that too, but it would raise questions for me. However, I'd probably ask the wife what was going on not go running directly to spill everything to my friend.

That being said, if you have to reach out to this friend and ask specifically, that would raise questions for me. Is this a friend you could confide in?

[This message edited by hotcoffee at 9:09 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

heforgotme posted 8/13/2013 09:15 AM

If they are hanging out together and I ask then I just told our friend about what's going on in our marriage.

If your WH spends so much time with him, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea in any case.

ReunitePangea posted 8/13/2013 09:18 AM

I think after a period of time has passed and you have been working on R, the decision to tell a new person about the A needs to be a mutual decision and not one you make on your own.

With that said, it sounds as if your real issue is that he has been changing his passwords which is making you suspicious. You are seeking out this friend as alternative to dealing with the changing passwords directly. I would suggest deal with the changing passwords directly by asking for them or find another way to obtain these passwords if you want to check up on him without him knowing yet.

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 09:25 AM

HC, I don't see him regularly, I'm have to assume my husband does. This person started out as my friend when I was working. I got my husband a job at the same company and then introduced them and we were all mutual friends. It almost feels that I was pushed out of our little circle. I know that sounds stupid but that's how I feel.

It's those extra questions I'm not sure how to answer. Part of me is thinking "screw it" and tell him everything, and let whatever happens after be my husband's repercussion for cheating and lying to me. On the other hand, I'm so freakishly private I don't like to tell people my personal business. Which is why I'm torn.

I think I could confide in him. He did confide in me at work at one point about something.

heforgotme, that's a good point.

Kelany posted 8/13/2013 09:29 AM

You've said you have no plans to confront your husband.

You've said you have plans to get out of the relationship once you have the means to do so.

You are not in R and have no plans to be as far as I can tell.

What exactly would this accomplish other than possibly hurt you?

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 09:30 AM

RP, if we were R'ing, then this wouldn't be an issue at all.

That problem is that he is changing his passwords and still doing and saying things about me and our son behind my back. That's why I'm still checking. I could ask for them, sure. That's the adult thing to do; however, I'm not dealing with an adult. I could ask and he could say no. Or I could ask, he could hand them over after he's deleted everything and then change them again once he's "proved" he's not doing anything. Because he lies all the time I feel the only way I'll know the truth is if I do my searches without him knowing. It's a stupid, immature, vicious circle.

Jennifer99 posted 8/13/2013 09:31 AM

With that bottom line that H cannot be trusted at all - I would skip talking to the friend, do you really need him to confirm it for you?

If he is around your H more than you and has no special attachment to your friendship first why would he consider you above H?

You know he can't be trusted, make decisions from there.

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 09:31 AM

Samantha, it would confirm that he is not with who he tells me is with.

Kelany posted 8/13/2013 09:35 AM

But, why? You already know he's a liar. Do you need even more proof?

It's almost like your pain shopping.

Say you get the proof, then what? What would you do with it? By your own admission previously, you won't confront him. So honestly, what will it do for you in a positive way?

Don't continue to hurt yourself. 180, focus on yourself and your children and your NEW life. And, getting out of there.

ReunitePangea posted 8/13/2013 09:36 AM

I'm sorry for your situation Simplydevastated.

If he wants to continue to act like a child, then you 180 and detach. No need to verify with his friend. Until he grows up you continue to 180 and detach. Chasing him around will not get him to stop his behavior, it will only get him to change his methods of his bad behavior.

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 09:43 AM

Samantha, I'm not pain shopping. I guess I'm just the "hard evidence" type of person. I have hard evidence of him bashing me and our son via Twitter. I saved some of his DM's. I have hard evidence of all of his online dating sites. I printed out each and every page. Talking to this friend could possible give me hard evidence or it could not.

Chasing him around will not get him to stop his behavior, it will only get him to change his methods of his bad behavior.

RP, it seems like this is exactly what he has done.

ajsmom posted 8/13/2013 09:56 AM

Would I do this?

The short answer is: NO.

I have hard evidence of him bashing me and our son via Twitter. I saved some of his DM's. I have hard evidence of all of his online dating sites. I printed out each and every page.

And this isn't enough?

I think you're poking a tiger here. Who's to say there won't be a little CYA going on amongst the friend in a mano-a-mano way.

Not to mention putting this guy completely in the middle of something you already know exists. So not cool.

Samantha has this nailed. Your focus needs to be elsewhere.


Kelany posted 8/13/2013 11:22 AM

Again I say why? You already have enough hard evidence. What will more evidence do for you?

I'm just trying to figure out exactly what you're hoping for? Will it help you build a stronger case in your divorce? Will it help you make a decision to leave sooner? Or what exactly will the hard evidence do? (not exactly sure it is hard evidence though since it will only be word of mouth.)

sisoon posted 8/13/2013 14:15 PM

So, did all of this rambling make any bit of sense?

Not to me - you've just written that he isn't transparent, and you think he'll get less transparent as time goes on. That disqualifies him for candidacy for R, and you've said you're not in R anyway.

You don't need any more 'hard evidence' - lack of transparency is more than enough.

You've gone around and around on this sort of thing and gotten a lot of similar feedback. It looks like that hasn't helped you solve anything - and that makes me think you haven't posted about the real issues for you.

So what are they? What are the real issues for you?


simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 17:12 PM

sisoon, I guess I'm not clear on your post. I thought my saying I need hard evidence (I guess more than what I already have) is my goal. I don't like to assume things, so to me confirming with the friend whether or not they do hangout (specifically going to the movies) would help solidify my suspicions.

sparklezombie posted 8/13/2013 19:29 PM

In would try a key logger to capture his passwords and see what he's up to. You'll get hard evidence that way. Worked for me

simplydevastated posted 8/13/2013 20:18 PM

I would have to have access to his devices for that. He keeps them well guarded.

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