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Rhondy posted 8/13/2013 09:07 AM

This is my first post and really the first time I am putting this out to the world. D-day was March 14, 2013. That date will forever be etched in my memory. Here is my story.
WS and I have been together since June 1991 and married May 1994. He is my soul mate and love of my life. I would never have suspected he was capable of doing this.
I got an anonymous message on FB that alluded to the A. it also talked about a few other things that arenít A related. I showed it to WS and he really didnít say much about it but his face told a different story. We went to bed but I sure didnít sleep much. The next day we were doing our usual texting and I mentioned that the FB message was really bothering me. He said nothing about it. I was texting him while I was on the train going home when I brought it up again. I asked him if there was any truth to the message. I got a one word answer Ė YES. My world stopped. Everything around me became a blur. The only good thing about being on the train at that moment is it stopped me from breaking down.
We talked that night about the A. He was so upset that he had done that to me. That he had hurt me in a way that no one ever had. One thing I can say is he answered every question I had. Some of them multiple times as I was really all over the place. It turned out the OW was a former co-worker who he still drove home from work occasionally. The A lasted for around 2 years. OW would text him when her kids were out. Yes she too was married. The one thing I can give my WS credit for is he never lied to go see her. It was always after work while I was still at work.
Let me back track a little here. In July 2012 I found some photos of OW on his work computer (we work for the same company different location). They were shots of her breasts and cleavage with clothes on. At the time he was headed to the east coast with my daughter to pick up our son form the grandparents. I confronted him about them and he said she had sent them for me. I believed him only because the previous Christmas she had flirted and made passes at me during a get together. Being the vindictive person I can be I printed the photos off and mailed them to her telling her to stay away from my husband. One problem, her husband opened her mail. She showed up at my door one night and freaked on me about how I ruined her marriage and she was being kicked out, blah, blah blah! Real rich coming from someone who was sleeping with my husband.
We are doing R. He is very remorseful and has agreed to everything I have asked him to do. He is really putting in an effort. We have done both MC & IC but have stopped because honestly the expense is something we just canít afford.
For the past two weeks I have been taken back to the beginning again. I keep picturing them together. I am having the sad, hurt, anger feelings again. I have even been thinking of confronting the OW and even telling her spouse. Why should I be the only one suffering here when I didnít do anything. Even WS is suffering yet she has nothing. Not fair. I havenít so far and in reality I probably wonít but the urge is very strong right now.
We will make it through this. I know it will be a slow process. I just want to find a little piece from the mind movie I am giving myself.
Thanks for listening.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 09:24 AM


As a Long Term A survivor and a long term married BS I have the unfortunate task of welcoming you to SI. I am sorry you are here, as I am for everyone else on here. I too have been working through R for almost the same amount of time you are and I too have an extremely remorseful H.

I encourage you to talk openly to your H about this set back. You know by virtue of where you have already succeeded in R that this is the quickest way to minimize the pain.

Has something recently happened, besides going through your 1 year Dday, that has made you take this sudden trip back to the beginning? Do you inwardly suspect something? Has your H changed towards the R, made you feel he is reverting back to old habits?

Your post told me a great deal about your journey and much of it mirrors my own. I hope you find helpful advise as others post to you.


TxsT posted 8/13/2013 10:00 AM

My my....I must apologize Rhondy....I thought your Dday was last July but retreading your post it was really just this past spring. I am so darn exhausted this morning, I only slept for 3 hours last night because of a horribly upsetting trigger followed by an equally horrible attempt to try and relieve my husbands shame pain thanks to the trigger. Please forgive my over site.

You are not that far off from your Dday.....please tell me why you feel back at the beginning.


confused615 posted 8/13/2013 10:06 AM

It's normal to feel as you do. You're on an emotional roller coaster. You're 5 months out from dday...that's usually when the shock wears off..and the anger shows up. Be kind to yourself.

Yes...her spouse absolutely needs to know. He has a right to know the truth about his marriage. Call him and tell him..and offer a copy of any proof you logs,texts,emails,etc.

Is OW still a coworker? If so,you're WH needs to find another job.

Rhondy posted 8/13/2013 10:21 AM

I am not certain if anything really triggered it. I do tend to hold a lot in and dwell on it. OW does live in our town and I have seen her once since d-day. Maybe the anger I have been holding onto is what triggered me.

No they do not work together. They did not work together during the A either. Long story behind the friendship relationship.

I should also mention that I made him get tested. Silly guy went to our family doctor. Glad he felt some humiliation.

Another thing April 2012 I had a hysterectomy. I met her in the office. she was there because she had a miscarriage. I told her I was sorry to hear that and she said to me I don't think you are. Know what I wasn't.

I kick myself now because I had this feeling about her. I could see that she was just too chummy with my WS. Wish I had put an end to the friendship but I did trust him.

Lalagirl posted 8/13/2013 10:44 AM

I kick myself now because I had this feeling about her. I could see that she was just too chummy with my WS. Wish I had put an end to the friendship but I did trust him.

Don't kick yourself. You would not have been able to stop the "friendship" - been there, done that. You would have been gaslighted ad nauseum and downright told to some degree, "We're just friends...why don't you trust me?...blah blah friggety blah..."

He had to get caught and stand the chance of losing you to pull his head out of his ass.

Healing takes time - I hate to put a "timeline" on it - but going by my own experience - it took damn near 5 years (we did IC/MC for 2 years) - and I have run into OW#2...not fun...but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Still hate her though. I didn't take my vows with her; I owe her jack shit.

I would tell her spouse - no doubt and others will echo the same sentiment. Why should he be kept in the dark? But didn't he already kick her out? I'm confused on that part...

In the meantime, my therapy for the days you're having - "me" days - pamper yourself.



TxsT posted 8/13/2013 11:10 AM

I agree with telling the OS. They have just as much a right to know about this as you did. They may even be helpful to your healing in some way....the OS I my case was able to verify things and we have a standing pact to contact the other when we feel something is amiss.


Rhondy posted 8/13/2013 11:17 AM

She told me he was kicking her out over the photos last summer but I am not certain. I think she is still there only because I have seen here around town.

confused615 posted 8/13/2013 12:06 PM

You can't trust anything she says..she is a cheating lying POS.

Lalagirl posted 8/13/2013 13:09 PM

You can't trust anything she says..she is a cheating lying POS.


Tell him.

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