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How do you reconcile after so many mistakes

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/13/2013 09:45 AM

I can tell WH what to do. Hell, I've only been telling him for over a year and a half about my fears, what I need, how he is hurting me, what he needs to be consistent on, writing the script of what to do and say for him, asking him for things that would help me. What do I need to do? I have no freaking clue. I'm scared to admit this is the time that he has finally got it. That he is making changes. I've only thought that a million times and a million times I have been disappointed. I'm scared to hope that it is real because hoping will lead to more heartbreak if he messes up again (in how he treats me or another A). I feel like I have to keep him at an arm's distance to protect myself but how do you reconcile if you aren't open? I've wanted this marriage...I've wanted him (though God knows through this I've questioned why)...I want this to work. How do I allow it to? I trust myself I in that if it blows up I have the tools to move on. But right this I just let go and jump right in and open myself up? That's so scary when I've done it so many times and gotten beaten down. Can you truly reconcile if you are holding back? I'm starting to think that Richard Simmons might be onto's safer to be asexual and wear tiny shorts. This relationship stuff is tough.

StrongerOne posted 8/13/2013 09:50 AM

No advice, TCD, just hugs. For all this with your WH, and for the baby too

Teach8 posted 8/13/2013 10:56 AM

Hi TCD. I don't really have advice either but I find myself doing the same thing. Finding it difficult to let my wh in out of fear of future hurts. I try to take it one day at a time and focus on the moment, but honestly, I'm such a planner, very organized, type A personality, that it is difficult for me to do that. Maybe be patient with yourself. You've had multiple disappointments. Do you have to be all in already? Go slowly, let him in a little at a time and watch for his consistency. If he is consistent this time, maybe you will find that you will begin letting him in naturally. It is all so scary and I get that. I feel it too. (TCD)

sisoon posted 8/13/2013 10:58 AM

One nice thing about being human is that our memories are short. If your H really works for R, the memories of R will become more prominent than the pre-R memories, and eventually you'll take on an attitude of 'then was bad, now is good'.

Rather than jump into R, why not do what Glass calls 'work on your M'. Work out issues on a day to day basis. Commit to R only after your H works consistently for R for several months.

Open yourself up enough to work on today's issue today and tomorrow's issue tomorrow. You can open yourself up step by step.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/13/2013 11:06 AM

Oh, am I a planner! Lists and lists. And relisting. This sure wasn't a part of my plans.

I worry about the not all in at once thing because 1) it makes me fear that it will piss him off and he won't work as hard 2) he will be resentful 3) his efforts will be less effective to me because I won't believe them fully.

sunfish posted 8/13/2013 11:06 AM

((TCD)) Reconciliation is surely not for the faint of heart! I am in a similar situation and I feel what you wrote - for me, the issue is control. I have to realize I don't control the situation, only myself. I don't have the answers, but boy, I feel where you are. Hang tough and listen to the wiser SI'ers like Teach8 and Sisoon.

Teach8 posted 8/13/2013 11:36 AM

I worry about all three of those things too. But I think #3 is the most important. If he really is remorseful, then 1 and 2 shouldn't be an issue right? He should be patient with you too. If he stops doing the work or gets pissed then he isn't really trying to change. He has to want it for himself too. I'm not saying we don't have a role in R...of course we do. Just keep being honest with him...maybe when you feel scared and feel yourself shutting him out, you can tell him that. Give him the chance to reassure you. Maybe he will surprise you and say..."TCD, after all that I've put you through, of course you are scared. I'm going to do all that I can to make myself and our m better. I hope you will let me in to make our M better."

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/13/2013 11:45 AM

It's also believing that statement at the end of your post, Teach. Because I've heard that, too as a way of manipulating me to get over it faster. I'm having a difficult time figuring out how much is too much open and what isn't enough. I want to protect myself but yet I feel like protecting myself will hinder R. But I'm also getting ahead of myself. We are meeting a financial planner tonight. I posted about it in general. I don't even know how exactly I will react if he tells us the smart thing to do is for WH to stay at his job where OW is for a few more years. I want to get this meeting over with!

Teach8 posted 8/13/2013 12:03 PM

I can't imagine your anxiety over that meeting. I don't know how I would handle my wh being around the ow still. I only had false R for two months after my initial dday. And it was major TT standing in the way. During those 2 months my wh swore on everything in the world...including our children...that he was telling the truth. Yeah...his 2 times of sex was actually 7 years worth. It took me months of watching him work, go to ic, go to mc before I believed anything he said again. I can completely see that you can't believe him yet. But if he is serious this time about making true changes within himself, I think you will be able to see that. (TCD).

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/13/2013 12:09 PM

I hope I can. Because I always believed it before when it would last only the length of time that he felt was enough. I just don't want to feel like an idiot if it blows up. Part of my inner voice is telling myself, "you are an idiot. Why are you doing this? Hasn't he hurt you enough." And I think about how much I love him. And how much I wanted this marriage...with him! Then that voice says, "you're going to get burned." Self preservation I guess.

JanaGreen posted 8/13/2013 12:10 PM

I feel like I have to keep him at an arm's distance to protect myself but how do you reconcile if you aren't open?

I think it's ok to do this for a while. Let him show you he's changing. Sit back and watch, watch, watch.

Althea posted 8/13/2013 12:35 PM

I think you have more than earned the right to sit back and watch. See if it sticks, make sure he gets it this time before you go all in. No doubt about it, when you take that leap, it is scary as hell; but there is absolutely no point in rushing it. If he gets pissy at you for not being happy or getting over it quickly enough, then you aren't in R. Part of his role in R is owning what he did to you and living with the fallout. If he can't handle that, he can't R.

Don't rush this TCD, as Sisoon said, just take it day by day and work on your marriage. You can acknowledge his hard work and tell him you appreciate it; but you have a right to hold back on being totally vulnerable until you are ready.

Rebreather posted 8/13/2013 13:08 PM

I worry about the not all in at once thing because 1) it makes me fear that it will piss him off and he won't work as hard 2) he will be resentful 3) his efforts will be less effective to me because I won't believe them fully.

Hon, read this again. Him, him, him. This is about you now. If he does any of the above? He isn't R material. Again.

I agree with Sisoon 100%. I don't think going "all in" right now is at all the healthy choice for you. Step by step. Little by little. You need his consistent, positive actions to prove to you. As he does, open up bit by bit. You will now when it is time to go all in, because it will feel more right than wrong. Now you are scared to do it. Listen to that.

Stop being afraid of making him angry. I mean, really? After all this? Have you done any work on codependancy or conflict avoidance? It might be time.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/13/2013 13:23 PM

Rebreather - It's not that I don't want to make him feel bad or that I feel like I should put his feelings ahead of mine. I think it's the mix of I don't want to be wrong again by giving him another chance. And I don't want to feel stupid for doing so. I'm sure plenty of people are screaming, "what the hell are you doing?" And so is my head. I used to avoid conflict with him so I wouldn't get yelled at. And I would try all sorts of ways to communicate with him because I didn't want to avoid my feelings. I'm not worried about him in that statement about not wanting to piss him off. I'm worried about myself.

Rebreather posted 8/13/2013 13:29 PM

I would think this might play into what you posted yesterday.

You have to trust in yourself, TCD. To know that you are smart enough to pull the plug when it is time. And it is very much why I would suggest taking R an inch at a time. Make him prove that this time is different. Tippy toe.

sisoon posted 8/13/2013 17:16 PM

TCD, Face it: this is a risk. You may be wrong. You may be hurt again. So what? You've looked at the facts and at what you want, and you've decided to take the risk. That's a very human thing to do, and you're a human being, so accept that you're putting yourself at risk, BUT...

Early in your relationship with the guy who became your WH, did you open yourself up completely all at once on the 1st date? (If you did, and if you don't have stronger boundaries now ... but you do have boundaries now....) Or did you go step by step with him?

You're building a new relationship. My bet is that you know how to do this while protecting yourself. You can think and act responsibly even while you're scared.

The financial plan is a start. Of course you'll be better off if your income is higher (assuming your expenses don't overtake your income, of course). Just make sure to ask your planner what if your income gets cut to a normal income for your H, without lots of OT.

See how your H responds to the advice. If he acts on it responsibly, you can open up a bit. If he doesn't, you don't either.

You can do this.

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