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Painfuljourney posted 8/13/2013 10:03 AM

Reconciliation couldn't be going any better. I have my loving husband back, he is remorseful and doing everything right. He's allowing me to ask questions, vent and being wonderful to me. But yesterday he went for his physical and got STD testing. I already got mine a few weeks ago. Now our doctor knows he cheated. I just feel embarrassed and I feel ashamed.

Last night I kept feeling sadness and getting mind movies of them together. I want to stop. But more questions pop into my head.

The PA was 4 years ago. OW isn't in the picture, but I know where she lives, wrote her 2 letters already. It helped me feel better, but now I still want to see her suffer. I want her to feel the pain she has helped inflict on me.

I know WH has pain and hurts from what he did. I can see that. But OW is out there probably still justifying her behavior. She fell in love with my husband. Claimed him as her own. The very thought just makes me want to hurt her bad.

I guess I have lots of anger still at this point. I am seeing progress. I go 2-3 days without triggering now. But then I obsessed and get sad. I mourn the loss of my marriage as it was. Unperfect as it was, it was just my WH and me, no one else there in the middle of it. No one else having sex with my husband. No one else kissing my husband or talking intimate with him for a month, sexting and sending pictures, falling in love with him and him probably falling in love with her at that time. I feel sick today.

ItsaClimb posted 8/13/2013 10:27 AM

{painfuljourney} My heart aches for you.

I totally understand how embarrassed and ashamed you feel about the STD testing, it took me a long while to be able to look my doc in the eye again, but now I just keep reminding myself everytime I go there (and that's often, my DD has health issues) that I have nothing to be ashamed of, WH is the one who did this, I had nothing to do with it at all. Cling to that thought.

I'm assuming from your join date that your D-Day is still very close, which means your pain is still so fresh. Trust that that raw pain will lessen in the months to come. Your anger is likely to get worse (6 months out is often when it peaks) Just take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

ItsaClimb posted 8/13/2013 10:30 AM

Duh, I see your D-Day in your sig now...

Painfuljourney posted 8/13/2013 10:44 AM

Thanks ItsaClimb

Yes, D-day is a little over a month out. I knew from day 2 that I wanted to reconcile and he has done a complete turn around and has become a totally different person. The last 4 years he's been an angry negative person, blaming everyone but himself for his unhappiness. Now he's taking ownership. I know we are on the right track. I just hurt. I know he knows I hurt. He is there for me to help pick up the pieces.

What happened at 6 months? I know I'm in for a long road. I will never be truly over it, but I do believe I will have a better marriage. We are communicating now more than ever and we are seeing the patterns that got us here in the first place.

I can't just throw 24 years away. I knew in my heart reconciliation was my choice. However he hurt me so badly. I am hoping I can get past that.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 10:48 AM

I had a very different experience when I went to see my doctor. I didn't go for STD testing though....the A was 4 years long and I figured I would have already known I had something if it had been passed along. Nearly asking my H if there was a possibility made him almost want to throw up he felt so ugly.

So, doctors visit for me was extra stressful, yet probably more simple....it was my first visit to this man. Well my second....our first visit was a joint meeting with H and I both present. The new Doctor offers private HC.....in Canada that is hard to find given it is a socialized medicine. We figured, thanks to my pre existing heart conditions and the affects the A were having on my physically we needed more help then just socialized medicine.

I fretted and worried about what to tell this man in my first visit. The shame I myself received from my hubby's A had paralyzed my thought process. Thankfully my self preservation was more important, as was not wanting to have another Heart attack or mini stroke, so I finally decided to tell him everything. I was so tired of people knowing I was Ill but not knowing ANY of the real reasons for why I was getting much, much worse. I rationalized that this man, protected by an oath of privacy, could not disclose this even to my husband if I so chose. I must say that was the second most important and life changing decision I made through this process ( the first had been to start taking AD meds ). I have never regretted telling my doctor and I have been so pleased with all the extra help he has been able to give me in non medical areas. He too has said he was pleased I felt comfortable with him enough to explain what had to be the most painful conversation I had ever had (unfortunately the most painful remains the one I had with the OS right after I discovered the A. It is not ease to be the person who destroys a persons world with one phone call). He also told me he wouldn't have been able to know just how depressed I was and wouldn't have treated me as vigorously as he did if he hadn't have known.

The shame my husband experienced was far greater then I expected when I told him I had opened up to our new doctor. He was terrified this Doc would not be able to treat him with fairness now that he knew what he had put me through. What a surprise my H got when the doctor called him in and had a very kind chat with H about how he respected our decision to stay together and work this out. he gave my H pointers on how to help me which mirrored those of our MC's.

Sometimes going with your gut pays off in spades.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:01 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 10:57 AM

Painful.....

Isn't it nice to actually see your husbands commitment to this? I am excited for you. I too have my husbands commitment and have had it since day 1 of Dday. He has been my rock for almost a year, carrying the torch of strength and hope and his own personal shame.

The anger you spoke of is very familiar to me.....he spiralled into depression and was suicidal at the end of his A because he hated what he had done and hated himself. It would have been nice though if he had the courage to finally leave her sorry ass behind on his own without me having to pull the plug for him. I found 3 different letters from him trying to do just that.....leave and come back to me.

Deep down inside that is the single most hurtful thing....that he never had the strength to do that. It made me feel like I didn't mean enough to him to finally pull out even though his anger was fully consuming him by the end of A. That one single inability on his part has caused so much of my self loathing.

Please know that even through this I am on the road to R....real R. I have done this by expressing EVERY and ANYTHING that makes me trigger, upsets me, harbors or just plainly doesn't fit into our new marriage. I don't do it with malice though, I do it with care and in feelings, not blame.

Keep reaching out, especially on the bad days.....every little gem of help adds up in the end.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:05 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

AML04 posted 8/14/2013 16:29 PM

I'm so angry today. I can't focus on anything. H is doing everything he can, letting me vent, answering my questions (the best he can) but there is so much still that pisses me off!

Sometimes I wish he had just left me. I think it would be less painful.

I have an appt with my doc tomorrow and have to tell him. I'm dreading it.

I truly hope your H's renewed commitment helps your anger as I do mine. I wish I could see his pain though. He says he's so happy I agreed to give R a chance and he loves where we're at now. I hate that he's happy and I'm hurting :(

Sorry if I hijacked, just wanted to share.

Yumskers posted 8/14/2013 23:16 PM

Dear Painfuljourney,
I work in the healthcare field and let me tell you, you don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed, Everyone in healthcare works there to help not to judge, only help.
As a fellow betrayed spouse I understand the movies in the head and they do go away for the most part. When my d-day first happened someone told me the same thing and I didn't believe them but there comes a point where happiness returns and you don't have those movies in your head as often.
As for the OW, don't let her have the satisfaction of your pain. I like to think of it as she is now hurting in seeing how happy we have become again.
I know that it seems like life will not ever not involve this tragedy but it will I promise, If you try hard your happiness will return.
Stay strong and know that better days are coming

RightTrack posted 8/15/2013 00:21 AM

I feel just the same way. Anything that reminds me of the reality of his affair ( bank records, phone records, photos) just makes me feel sick. I'm ok if I can forget about it for a couple of days.