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Forgiving yourself

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cs2384 posted 8/13/2013 10:28 AM

I need to only stay in this forum. I find myself reading all the threads in general about how much the OW is hated. I feel awful, disgusted, ashamed. Why can't I let this go? It's almost like self punishment to read how much the BS's can't stand the OW. I wish I could turn back time and stop what I've done. But I can't. So I'm stuck hating myself for what I've done. Knowing there is a woman out there that hates me too. I don't blame her.

Aubrie posted 8/13/2013 11:39 AM

Yep. I would go into JFO and General and feel like utter road kill. Still do sometimes.

I really did those things. I really hurt people. I took innocence away. I destroyed trust. I blew up a "happily ever after".

It's hard to read from the "other side". My husband was angry, but he didn't express himself like I see a lot of BSs here. That was part of why it was hard for me to read.

Think about how rampant infidelity is, how many affairs go undetected, how many people don't change when caught. There are APs that will always be APs. Because they feel absolutely zero reason to change. Those are the APs the BSs vent about. The bunny boilers, the stalkers, the repeat offenders. Do they have moments where they will blow up over an affair that has been over and done with for multiple years? Where their WS has been doing the hard work? Yeah sure. They have bad days. It all comes flooding back. A trigger strikes and they are reminded yet again, that this is their life. I can't imagine how disheartening or traumatizing that feels.

When I first came to SI, I never in a million years dreamed I would be proud about anything of myself. That I could change. That I could be a better person. But here I am. Still a work in progress. But I'm proud of what I've done so far.

And in a odd twist of fate, I have made friends in the process. 90% of my friends are BSs. No joke. And it's not weird or uncomfortable for us. We have wonderful times. We laugh, cry, whatever. They don't judge me for my past. They accept me for who I am today. That's huge.

All that to say, "I get it". Totally.

So. A question. What have you done today to make you proud of you and the changes you have made?

JustDesserts posted 8/13/2013 12:26 PM

I have found General and the other "BS forums" to be a helpful and eye opening place to visit. I can get a sense of the very real devastation affairs cause those betrayed, and the ongoing struggles BS's face as their relationships limp along, reconcile, or implode. It's such a sad wonder to me how little I considered any of this when I rationalized and justified my way into cheating.

My betrayed wife, in a testament to her belief in her own self confidence, inner strength, and core values, has chosen to forgive my xAP (married with kids), and simply feel sorry for the damaged, broken person who betrayed her husband, as I betrayed my wife.

At one point early after DDay my wife had an opportunity to pants, and I mean really pants, my xAP. A freebie. A gift from the karma gods. And she chose to take the high road, knowing that choosing the short term satisfaction of revenge would be acting in a manner against the person my wife knows she is on the inside. I guess that's just one more thing about my wife I can stand back and admire with...AWE.

So, if my BS can point her focus away from my xAP toward a brighter, healthier me and us...I damn well know I can, and should, be doing just that...and only that. She's always helped make me a better me, and it's starting to feel really good to be carrying much more of my fair share of that challenge. Folks here on SI promise that it's worth the effort. And I believe them.

I really did those things. I really hurt people. I took innocence away. I destroyed trust. I blew up a "happily ever after".

x2, Aubrie.

Tesseract posted 8/13/2013 13:09 PM

Personally, I think staying only here would be robbing yourself of a wonderful opportunity. When I spend more time reading the Reconciliation and General forums than I do the WS forum. I want to know how my BS feels. I want to know what she needs for me to help her. I don't post there yet, but I do a lot of reading. I come to this forum when I want to improve myself or understand something so I can better explain it to her.

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