Me: BS 50
Keep....thank you for posting your past situation with your own parents. Your in site is exactly the reason I made my RWS tell our two children, both boys 23 & 21. At first it was just to make my H take accountability for his actions. Our 23 year old was living in our home when the A was first uncovered. This was a LTA (4 years) and I was thrown deep and hard into a spiralling hell. Our son knew something was up. He had heard a woman's name be discussed, he was watching his mom disintegrate right before his eyes. At first I thought my H's reluctance to disclose his A to them was about preserving his image in their eyes. What I have come to understand is that H suffers from immense shame, remorse, regret, re everything about his A. His own actions disgust him. Internalizing was his way of dealing with it.
What finally got through to him that the boys needed to know was when i told him that they were now at risk for having an A too. I stressed that I wanted to be a role model for our children and that I needed them to know so I could feel free to cry in my own home. To be free of wearing the mask I have to put on whenever I am dealing with people who don't know the whole story. I also wanted then to see that even the people they love can screw up. That they can fix really horrible stuff through hard work, love and commitment.
The affect this knowledge has had on our youngest child has been sobering for my H. This was the child that still lived at home through 3 years of the A. He suffered from his fathers slow spiral into self loathing and self anger almost as much as I did....and both of us felt we were the cause of H's anger.
He is hurt by H's A, he is mad at his father and he voices that. Both boys have been very supportive of our R efforts though and of both of us.
You validated all of my reasons for disclosure to them. Thank you
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!