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Impact on our married children

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Daysie posted 8/13/2013 11:01 AM

My D/Day was 17th Feb 2013.

Husband disclosed his 6wk affair with my then BF. It took place 32yrs ago .

He told our married DD - 34yrs and married DS 32yrs.

They of course were devastated

During a heated rant on my part - I told him that not only has he ruined my belief in our happy marriage, he has also caused great distress for our children. They have always thought that their Mum and Dad were so in love

I also told him that because of his A - did he realise that our DD & DS will forever worry that this could happen to them with their partners

Affairs suck and these WS have no idea of the long reaching pain they can cause

Sorry just needed to vent

cancuncrushed posted 8/13/2013 11:18 AM

This is what drives me. I started counseling, to learn how to deal with my college son and 26 daughter. She married a man exactly like her father, hes not cheating, but I see her staying home alone and tolerating. My son is depressed and stressed and panics. I want to create either a happy ending or at the very least strentgh to the end for my children . They are watching. My sons last visit, he commented how much I have changed. i am so nervous all the time. It had a strange effect on me. It all left me. My kids are my world. My actions are all for them now.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 8/13/2013 11:30 AM

At 20 I found out about my father's A....on vacation with my Thanksgiving. It was understandably devastating. I withdrew from my parents once we were back in town for about 6 months.

Honestly, watching them go through it I realized how strong they were and how in love they *really* were. Love is not easy- it takes work and they put in the work. So when faced with my own infidelity issues, I knew I had the strength to put my all into R.

Basically, in the long run it was another opportunity for my parents to mirror "good behavior" for me. Show me how to persevere through tough situations. It sucked. It hurt. I did some IC, but I learned from them and that is the best gift parents can give their children!

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 12:27 PM

Keep....thank you for posting your past situation with your own parents. Your in site is exactly the reason I made my RWS tell our two children, both boys 23 & 21. At first it was just to make my H take accountability for his actions. Our 23 year old was living in our home when the A was first uncovered. This was a LTA (4 years) and I was thrown deep and hard into a spiralling hell. Our son knew something was up. He had heard a woman's name be discussed, he was watching his mom disintegrate right before his eyes. At first I thought my H's reluctance to disclose his A to them was about preserving his image in their eyes. What I have come to understand is that H suffers from immense shame, remorse, regret, re everything about his A. His own actions disgust him. Internalizing was his way of dealing with it.

What finally got through to him that the boys needed to know was when i told him that they were now at risk for having an A too. I stressed that I wanted to be a role model for our children and that I needed them to know so I could feel free to cry in my own home. To be free of wearing the mask I have to put on whenever I am dealing with people who don't know the whole story. I also wanted then to see that even the people they love can screw up. That they can fix really horrible stuff through hard work, love and commitment.

The affect this knowledge has had on our youngest child has been sobering for my H. This was the child that still lived at home through 3 years of the A. He suffered from his fathers slow spiral into self loathing and self anger almost as much as I did....and both of us felt we were the cause of H's anger.

He is hurt by H's A, he is mad at his father and he voices that. Both boys have been very supportive of our R efforts though and of both of us.

You validated all of my reasons for disclosure to them. Thank you


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