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Reconciliation :
We're not really in R.

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 OldCow18 (original poster member #39670) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

It's been 9+ weeks and although he claims to want to save our marriage I've caught him in lies (not about seeing her, but about saving face when answering questions) and he is incredibly angry with me. He keeps yelling that he can't do anything right. He speaks to me with disgust in his voice. He can't take it when I show any emotion, sadness or anger. He freaks out if I ask a question I've already asked. He freaks out if I interupt him when we speak. It's not real, it never was and he is not capable of being the person needed to help heal. I suppose this will be my last post in this forum. It's hopeless.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6446455
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Blameitontherain ( member #37476) posted at 7:21 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

Hugs!!!

You are very early into this. No it does not sound like your WH is the ideal remorseful WH. There are many on this site despite the good things you seem to hear about others whs.

I don't want to give you false hope but they can come around and surprise you. It took my WH a good 5-6 months to really get it and put in the effort. MC has helped tremendously with this. My husband will never be the ideal WH, I know this. What I have been doing is looking back at the past week, two weeks, three, weeks, etc. if I can see progress and more good than bad, I am ok with not having the ideal WH. There are times when it still seems hopeless but they are getting less and less.

Take baby steps. I know as a bs, we want everything. It needs to be xyz, abc, or he isn't remorseful, he doesn't love me, etc. You can have all those things but they will take some time and probably some outside help to get. I know it is hard not to pick apart everything they say, do, or don't do. Please get some outside help if you haven't already. If you have, give it some time. It is ok to not be in R. Honestly I don't consider us in R. We are making progress towards R and as long as it stays that way, I am ok being there for now.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2012
id 6446670
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sparklezombie ( member #40095) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

He definitely doesn't sound remorseful at this point. It's still early on, would he be willing to go to MC? Are you going to IC? He could turn around. But if he doesn't, are you staying or leaving?

BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

posts: 253   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2013   ·   location: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
id 6446680
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 OldCow18 (original poster member #39670) posted at 7:34 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

We are both in IC with the same therapist and had one session together to discuss specific issues (his anger namely).

We actually had a conversation earlier (after I posted this), and I realize that he is clueless. I think he WANTS to do the right things, but he has no idea how and he has a temper so he blows all the time. And he is still just so selfish. There are small pockets of time when he "gets it" but I really need the norm to be him "getting it" and the small pockets to be the mistakes he's making.

Sparkle, I will divorce him if things don't turn around, but I have small children and committed myself to not making any final decisions until the 6 month mark.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6446703
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Blameitontherain ( member #37476) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

He sounds like my WH in the beginning. What helped him was reading "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and mc. Literally every night when the kids went to bed, we read one chapter sitting side by side. Then went back and talked and highlighted portions we each thought were important. My WH is not a reader so one chapter was doable. Everything took a half hour tops. WH said he felt like the book was written for him. He didn't know he was suppose to do this, this or that. Maybe it could help?

My WH is selfish too. Honestly the books, mc, and all that is good. But what it boils down to is them making a decision to stop. Just stop the selfishness and make a conscience effort to put you first. WH stumbles at this sometimes but I kind of expect it after 10 years of marriage and him putting himself first the whole time. He is learning to think beyond himself. It is just sad that an affair was the wake up call to do it.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2012
id 6446749
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heforgotme ( member #38391) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

No, unfortunately I think you are right. Definitely not R. Time for the 180. Take care of you until he decides he wants to be "all in" or until you proceed with S or D.

My heart goes out to you.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

posts: 1167   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: FL
id 6446765
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Lucky ( member #6864) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

You're so early into this, it may not be really hopeless.

When Mr Lucky didn't understand my emotions I printed out "Josephs Letter" (In the Healing Library) and rewrote it for OUR situation. It helped him to see what I didn't understand.

As for getting mad about asking questions over and over... well, he has to get used to it, it's a fact that in the years it takes to heal and recover you will be asking questions all along the way. There isn't a WS who enjoys discussing the A.

Don't forget to praise him when he does do the right thing. It sometimes takes a WS a bit of time to really and truly "get it".

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 6446766
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jjsr ( member #34353) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

Sounds a bit like FWH was in the beginning too. With MC and reading he had turned it around. You are early out. I would do MC and wait a while more before making any choices.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

posts: 1849   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2011   ·   location: midwest now.
id 6446768
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 OldCow18 (original poster member #39670) posted at 8:12 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

I've given him Joseph's letter, I've given him loads of articles, etc, he's read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, even highlighted sections. I'm tired of trying to find *something* out there that will speak to him and make him get it, at some point he has to figure this out for himself.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 2:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6446795
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Lucky ( member #6864) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

I'm tired of trying to find *something* out there that will speak to him and make him get it, at some point he has to figure this out for himself.

Totally understandable... but.. a WS isn't a mind reader either. As frustrating as all of this is for you - you do have to help him help you heal.

I don't remember you mentioning if you are in MC or not?

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 6446843
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blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

Hang in there...very typical behavior. My wife took 6 months to come out of that mode...and even this week she has lost her patients with me asking the same questions again and again....to the point that we started talking about legal separation and divorce...and we are 11 months out. So I don't know what our future holds...but with regards to your post...try and relax from the engagement.

180 is a good thing. I have used it, then not, then used it again. I am growing tired though....

This is a task for the courageous...I pray for courage a lot.

Praying for you too.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6446854
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

I have been in and out of R more times than DDays. It took me being serious about D that WH's fog began to clear.

I know one thing that is for certain. This is MY last attempt at R.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 6447063
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Trusttrusttrust ( member #37694) posted at 11:43 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

I now know we were never in R. This despite being released from marriage counseling. The very next week he was out of town on business and she stayed with him at the hotel. WTF! I posted the saga somewhere and now don't know where. I am just so dang angry. How am I going to get thru this without divorcing him?

Married 31 years
D-Day Sept 3, 2012
I thought we were in R. Now I am not sure.
Second D-Day August 5' 2013
No kids

posts: 99   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Virginia
id 6447128
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:53 PM on Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

How am I going to get thru this without divorcing him?

I would start with the 180

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 6447135
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Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 12:11 AM on Wednesday, August 14th, 2013

You sound just like me and WH at that point. We did the same as blameitonthersain - he read How To Heal Your Spouse (we both did) then we went through it together chapter by chapter. It completely changed him and he said it did more than all the MC and IC combined to make him "get it". He made a list of the action items and uses it as a roadmap daily. Is he perfect remorseful wayward? Hell no, but light years ahead of where he was before reading it. Hugs, and good luck.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 6447146
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