You are very early into this. No it does not sound like your WH is the ideal remorseful WH. There are many on this site despite the good things you seem to hear about others whs.
I don't want to give you false hope but they can come around and surprise you. It took my WH a good 5-6 months to really get it and put in the effort. MC has helped tremendously with this. My husband will never be the ideal WH, I know this. What I have been doing is looking back at the past week, two weeks, three, weeks, etc. if I can see progress and more good than bad, I am ok with not having the ideal WH. There are times when it still seems hopeless but they are getting less and less.
Take baby steps. I know as a bs, we want everything. It needs to be xyz, abc, or he isn't remorseful, he doesn't love me, etc. You can have all those things but they will take some time and probably some outside help to get. I know it is hard not to pick apart everything they say, do, or don't do. Please get some outside help if you haven't already. If you have, give it some time. It is ok to not be in R. Honestly I don't consider us in R. We are making progress towards R and as long as it stays that way, I am ok being there for now.
We actually had a conversation earlier (after I posted this), and I realize that he is clueless. I think he WANTS to do the right things, but he has no idea how and he has a temper so he blows all the time. And he is still just so selfish. There are small pockets of time when he "gets it" but I really need the norm to be him "getting it" and the small pockets to be the mistakes he's making.
Sparkle, I will divorce him if things don't turn around, but I have small children and committed myself to not making any final decisions until the 6 month mark.
My WH is selfish too. Honestly the books, mc, and all that is good. But what it boils down to is them making a decision to stop. Just stop the selfishness and make a conscience effort to put you first. WH stumbles at this sometimes but I kind of expect it after 10 years of marriage and him putting himself first the whole time. He is learning to think beyond himself. It is just sad that an affair was the wake up call to do it.
My heart goes out to you.
You're so early into this, it may not be really hopeless.
When Mr Lucky didn't understand my emotions I printed out "Josephs Letter" (In the Healing Library) and rewrote it for OUR situation. It helped him to see what I didn't understand.
As for getting mad about asking questions over and over... well, he has to get used to it, it's a fact that in the years it takes to heal and recover you will be asking questions all along the way. There isn't a WS who enjoys discussing the A.
Don't forget to praise him when he does do the right thing. It sometimes takes a WS a bit of time to really and truly "get it".
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 2:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
I'm tired of trying to find *something* out there that will speak to him and make him get it, at some point he has to figure this out for himself.
Totally understandable... but.. a WS isn't a mind reader either. As frustrating as all of this is for you - you do have to help him help you heal.
I don't remember you mentioning if you are in MC or not?
180 is a good thing. I have used it, then not, then used it again. I am growing tired though....
This is a task for the courageous...I pray for courage a lot.
Praying for you too.
God be with us all.
I know one thing that is for certain. This is MY last attempt at R.
How am I going to get thru this without divorcing him?
I would start with the 180
