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We're not really in R.

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OldCow18 posted 8/13/2013 11:18 AM

It's been 9+ weeks and although he claims to want to save our marriage I've caught him in lies (not about seeing her, but about saving face when answering questions) and he is incredibly angry with me. He keeps yelling that he can't do anything right. He speaks to me with disgust in his voice. He can't take it when I show any emotion, sadness or anger. He freaks out if I ask a question I've already asked. He freaks out if I interupt him when we speak. It's not real, it never was and he is not capable of being the person needed to help heal. I suppose this will be my last post in this forum. It's hopeless.

Blameitontherain posted 8/13/2013 13:21 PM


You are very early into this. No it does not sound like your WH is the ideal remorseful WH. There are many on this site despite the good things you seem to hear about others whs.

I don't want to give you false hope but they can come around and surprise you. It took my WH a good 5-6 months to really get it and put in the effort. MC has helped tremendously with this. My husband will never be the ideal WH, I know this. What I have been doing is looking back at the past week, two weeks, three, weeks, etc. if I can see progress and more good than bad, I am ok with not having the ideal WH. There are times when it still seems hopeless but they are getting less and less.

Take baby steps. I know as a bs, we want everything. It needs to be xyz, abc, or he isn't remorseful, he doesn't love me, etc. You can have all those things but they will take some time and probably some outside help to get. I know it is hard not to pick apart everything they say, do, or don't do. Please get some outside help if you haven't already. If you have, give it some time. It is ok to not be in R. Honestly I don't consider us in R. We are making progress towards R and as long as it stays that way, I am ok being there for now.

sparklezombie posted 8/13/2013 13:24 PM

He definitely doesn't sound remorseful at this point. It's still early on, would he be willing to go to MC? Are you going to IC? He could turn around. But if he doesn't, are you staying or leaving?

OldCow18 posted 8/13/2013 13:34 PM

We are both in IC with the same therapist and had one session together to discuss specific issues (his anger namely).

We actually had a conversation earlier (after I posted this), and I realize that he is clueless. I think he WANTS to do the right things, but he has no idea how and he has a temper so he blows all the time. And he is still just so selfish. There are small pockets of time when he "gets it" but I really need the norm to be him "getting it" and the small pockets to be the mistakes he's making.

Sparkle, I will divorce him if things don't turn around, but I have small children and committed myself to not making any final decisions until the 6 month mark.

Blameitontherain posted 8/13/2013 13:53 PM

He sounds like my WH in the beginning. What helped him was reading "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and mc. Literally every night when the kids went to bed, we read one chapter sitting side by side. Then went back and talked and highlighted portions we each thought were important. My WH is not a reader so one chapter was doable. Everything took a half hour tops. WH said he felt like the book was written for him. He didn't know he was suppose to do this, this or that. Maybe it could help?

My WH is selfish too. Honestly the books, mc, and all that is good. But what it boils down to is them making a decision to stop. Just stop the selfishness and make a conscience effort to put you first. WH stumbles at this sometimes but I kind of expect it after 10 years of marriage and him putting himself first the whole time. He is learning to think beyond himself. It is just sad that an affair was the wake up call to do it.

heforgotme posted 8/13/2013 14:01 PM

No, unfortunately I think you are right. Definitely not R. Time for the 180. Take care of you until he decides he wants to be "all in" or until you proceed with S or D.

My heart goes out to you.

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 14:01 PM

You're so early into this, it may not be really hopeless.

When Mr Lucky didn't understand my emotions I printed out "Josephs Letter" (In the Healing Library) and rewrote it for OUR situation. It helped him to see what I didn't understand.

As for getting mad about asking questions over and over... well, he has to get used to it, it's a fact that in the years it takes to heal and recover you will be asking questions all along the way. There isn't a WS who enjoys discussing the A.

Don't forget to praise him when he does do the right thing. It sometimes takes a WS a bit of time to really and truly "get it".

jjsr posted 8/13/2013 14:01 PM

Sounds a bit like FWH was in the beginning too. With MC and reading he had turned it around. You are early out. I would do MC and wait a while more before making any choices.

OldCow18 posted 8/13/2013 14:12 PM

I've given him Joseph's letter, I've given him loads of articles, etc, he's read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, even highlighted sections. I'm tired of trying to find *something* out there that will speak to him and make him get it, at some point he has to figure this out for himself.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 2:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Lucky posted 8/13/2013 14:45 PM

I'm tired of trying to find *something* out there that will speak to him and make him get it, at some point he has to figure this out for himself.

Totally understandable... but.. a WS isn't a mind reader either. As frustrating as all of this is for you - you do have to help him help you heal.

I don't remember you mentioning if you are in MC or not?

blakesteele posted 8/13/2013 14:49 PM

Hang in there...very typical behavior. My wife took 6 months to come out of that mode...and even this week she has lost her patients with me asking the same questions again and the point that we started talking about legal separation and divorce...and we are 11 months out. So I don't know what our future holds...but with regards to your post...try and relax from the engagement.

180 is a good thing. I have used it, then not, then used it again. I am growing tired though....

This is a task for the courageous...I pray for courage a lot.

Praying for you too.

God be with us all.

crazyblindsided posted 8/13/2013 16:55 PM

I have been in and out of R more times than DDays. It took me being serious about D that WH's fog began to clear.

I know one thing that is for certain. This is MY last attempt at R.

Trusttrusttrust posted 8/13/2013 17:43 PM

I now know we were never in R. This despite being released from marriage counseling. The very next week he was out of town on business and she stayed with him at the hotel. WTF! I posted the saga somewhere and now don't know where. I am just so dang angry. How am I going to get thru this without divorcing him?

crazyblindsided posted 8/13/2013 17:53 PM

How am I going to get thru this without divorcing him?

I would start with the 180

Tripletrouble posted 8/13/2013 18:11 PM

You sound just like me and WH at that point. We did the same as blameitonthersain - he read How To Heal Your Spouse (we both did) then we went through it together chapter by chapter. It completely changed him and he said it did more than all the MC and IC combined to make him "get it". He made a list of the action items and uses it as a roadmap daily. Is he perfect remorseful wayward? Hell no, but light years ahead of where he was before reading it. Hugs, and good luck.

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