Anyway, I feel wimpy labeling myself with acronyms, so I want to say before I vent my story that I am a good, honest, faithful, strong man. I met my wife back in '89; I was in college, she in Gr 12. After her grad, we dated/lived together/had first child together. Then after about 5 years since meeting, we got officially married. We have grown, not just as husband/wife, but as a unit...friends, lovers, quarrelers, survivors, troopers, stuck up for one another, and on and on. I.E., a very DEEP relationship. Sooooo much history, and most of it good. Like any long term marriage, you go thru alot. Always stuck by her true to my vows and true to my integrity.
But, sadly, my wife has had some personality issues from way back. As a coping mechanism, I evolved with it. Many many things added to the layers of her internal problems, and chronic depression set in about 4 years ago, but I believe she's had depression/issues since a teenager. Maybe that's one of the attractions I had was I wanted to be her Knight in shining armor(!?). She was not your typical female. Terrible at expressing feelings, opening up. Even her sister said she's always been like that, and wife admitted it too. She hid away so much and it was near impossible to prod it out of her. Anyway, past 4 years, this Depression (Dysthimia) ate away at her (suicide thots, weight fluctuations, all the classic symptoms). She did get some meds for it, but the stuff she was on caused other problems, so she stopped. I became a co-dependant husband over the years... tried harder, always there for her, handling the parenting (two sons), meeting her needs (spoiling??), etc. I was exhausted doing all the things I did (which I now realise was all WRONG to do), but I was so addicted in trying to make her happy. As a result, I was feeling depressed (but not Depression), lost my physique, became dull, etc etc. I was obsessed with trying to make her life better.
Generally, we got along good, affectionate everyday, appreciative, all those good marriage things. We both worked and were the typical family (albeit her Depression unknown to many in the outside world).
D-Day, early July '13. Grabbed the laptop late one evening to check out some general sites. Opened screen and her facebook was sitting open and online (she musta forgot to logout b4 bed). Usually I just logout for her or whoever cuz I don't care and had TOTAL trust at that point in everything she did. But a fresh FB message was sitting there from the Loser. I wondered WTF and WhoTF is this messaging her so late at night!?! Clicked on message and saw 1500 messages, dating back from late spring!! Started going thru them (so uncharacteristic for me, but) and Wowa. Was I taken aback. Seriously!!! Sick shit, bull shit, corny high schooly shit (mostly from him). It was a guy from like her mid 80s Jr high days who woulda been in high school - like a gr 12 vs a gr 8. THIS is who she "fell in love" with...over Facebook!? Unreal. I knew most of her high school boyfriends, but had never heard of this guy.
Couldnt confront her right away since our son had important upcoming events going on in July and didn't wanna mess him up (by exposing). So, I lived with my discovery for about 5 weeks. All the classic exposure symptoms (grief, weight loss, etc). But one blessing in disguise is I had time to think things thru and act rationally when we had the exposure talk. Carried my self the best I could.
So, physical separation was official this a.m. Very civil. I hurt and am hurting so deep, but handled it well when face to face with her this past week (most of my craziness was dealt with in those 5 weeks prior). After the exposure, we talked. She does not blame me for anything. She is one confused girl. She has not broke the Affair. Don't know how that is gonna play out. Guess the proper thing for me to do is finally let go of my co-dependent enabler habits, re-tool me, bring back the real me, and re focus on life. The goof she's with is nothing special so, meh.
The Affair is not what bothers me the most. What bothers me the most is how I fear for this human I love (the real her inside all that pain). I fear that all of her unresolved mental health issues may cause an "episode(s)" in the future. It's like observing a terminally ill person who won't go to a doctor. At this point though, I just can't see reconciliation, unless we start fresh and slow and she gets all the mental health help required, etc. Even then I'm not so sure. Isn't Love crazy?!!!
Why oh why are so many people on this planet so screwed up? Some of your stories have floored me. I hope we can all pull together and stay strong.
I must say you are one tough cookie to keep your cool all those weeks. Pretty sure I was Defcon 5 crazy b*tch almost immediately
You really sound so strong in your post, so I don't have much advice to offer at this point, but:
The Affair is not what bothers me the most. What bothers me the most is how I fear for this human I love (the real her inside all that pain). I fear that all of her unresolved mental health issues may cause an "episode(s)" in the future. It's like observing a terminally ill person who won't go to a doctor.
This still sounds a little "knight in shining armor" to me. Believe me, I get it. My STBX has SOOOO many family of origin issues, and I tried so hard for so many years to be the angel that could help him deal with it all. But I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't want him to get help more than he wanted to get himself some help. It just doesn't lead to real healing. I kind of think of it like an alcoholic. All the treatment and love and support of family and friends is never going to be enough to get them to stop until they want to stop for themselves.. Until the consequences are bad enough that they want to change.. Though I still pity my ex for his childhood and past suffering, I'm done, and I mean DONE, letting him use it as an excuse for his behavior..
I would say keep doing you and working on your own issues. Let her do her. And don't listen to her words nearly as much as watch her actions to decide if you are seeing any true change.
Big hugs to you..
You are 100% correct. At this point I can only stand back and watch (not literally but).
All of this was unnecessary. She knows I'm a great listener. If she needed to open up, I was always there. But I guess it's the ease of opening up online (a la her facebok) these days which makes for easy emotional affairs (hers did turn physical eventually). Much like it's easy to sit on SI and vent. Her online fling came out of nowhere!
As you noted about my knighthood, maybe it's time to take off the armor...for good!
Defcon 5, that's funny! But had to do it for my son. Crasee, yyyyep.
You are right about your husband's excuses. Alot of us grew up in dysfunctional families. Deal with it, but there is no excuse for hurting the closest persons to you just to save the precious lil ego!
I could've written your post line for line, from the knight in shining armor right down to the discovery on Facebook. I have no answers for you. All I can say is that it gets easier eventually, but you have to be actively involved in the process of getting over it.
You also have to be careful with that part near the end about fearing for someone who seems ill. In the beginning I was mad and hurt, but more than anything I was still stuck in protective husband mode. Knowing their childhood issues, and their susceptibilities makes it hard to just write them off as "crazy bitches" whom you seek revenge.
I knew that reconciliation had a snowball's chance in hell considering all that I went through. I just wanted her to be okay, especially since we have a kid. In the months that followed, I felt that my "angel" used my sincerity against me. Hopefully it won't be that way for you, but keep it in your mind as a possibility that you may not even recognize this woman months from now.
Mine has gone through her FB account reconnecting with all her old crushes from junior high and high school. It's like she's a teenager going through puberty and trying to assert herself.
Take care of yourself first, man.
but keep it in your mind as a possibility that you may not even recognize this woman months from now.
Oh ya, I hear ya. I've thot of all that. Even tho the physical separation just happened and she was civil when she drove away, I can only imagine how nuts or midlife-crisis-ish she's gonna get. I ain't taking anything for granted, and I think I'd better get legal help sooner than later. Also, I'm going pretty dark unless it's necessary.
Actually looking forward to MY changes. Very complicated to explain. I still have my teenage son with me. Will provide basic necessities and all that first, but I've got a lot of work to do getting to know me again. Gonna take time, but I think I can do it. It's actually invigorating. But, one day at a time.
As for my discovery on facebook. I got so much info from reading their interactions (couldnt get thru all of them, browser crashed 2/3 way thru). So I was WELL informed as to what happened and what's going on. For some, the lies or lack of info from the waywards creates that uncertainty and that is hard for folks to get thru. It helps bring closure when u could see a timeline as to wth happened. Although, a ton of it was sick (don't even wanna bring that up).
Another thing, gees man (OM), with all the ladies on this planet, and ya gotta poach a man's wife, help wreck a marriage, hurt a family all for a GIRL you knew from high school who was in like gr 8 or 9? On Facebook!! Absolute loser. (Head-shaker)
Reminds me of those creeps on that MSNBC show that on-line stalk young girls, only it's a set up and the perps get caught by that host (cant remember name of show).
My H suffers from Dysthymia as well. We too were very affectionate and loving up until the day he dropped the bomb. His fling was also on Facebook. He has addiction issues and also gets "bored" very easy. Needs new and exciting all the time
@mof2 I know how you feel, and just know that it is not your fault. Like a tornado that comes outta nowhere and inflicts damage, yet there's not much we coulda done to prevent it. Only pick ourselves up and carry on in the best ways we can.
How are YOU doing?
I know what you mean by Blessing in Disguise. It's still early in the game but I'm getting some of the ol Me back, slowly but surely. My mind isn't so cluttered like it was last month.
Take care of yourself.
Actually looking forward to MY changes... but I've got a lot of work to do getting to know me again. Gonna take time, but I think I can do it. It's actually invigorating. But, one day at a time.
This is where I am. Getting back in touch with me. My marriage became very one-sided where I worked full-time, cooked, cleaned, etc. My STBX did not have depression, but he just was not involved.
Now, I am reconnecting with people I had lost touch with 10+ years ago. My friends have been very welcoming. They don't know that I am separated yet. I want to reconnect without them feeling pity for me.
She stepped out of car and came up to talk to me. All pleasant, small talk, but I didn't mention our sitch or anything, I was just solid, being me, being funny, being cool. The feelings I got were just bizarre. For here was a woman I grew with, been thru so much with (good/bad/scary, fun/etc.), and intimate with for 24 years, and YET, last evening, I felt awkward talking to her!! Not only that, I didn't find her ...attractive(??), or basically that didn't get "old time feeling" I used to get from her (even up to the separation). I know it's only been a week, but that is how I felt seeing her. I.E., it just wasn't the same.
My theory here is, I think I'm finally figuring out that I still love the REAL woman behind this mask, buried somewhere deep. But I ain't in love with THIS woman. It's all so phony and surreal, like satan got ahold of her. Excorcism time? LOL. She wasn't being mean, just didn't feel the same. Probably what the separation will do to 2 souls. It should be interesting to see what future will be like. I do know one thing. I do not trust her one bit. The worst is probably yet to come unless some miracle from heaven happens.
So, after she left, me and boy had some father/son fun together, no talk of "mom". (Man he's a cool kid!). Just chillin after, and then the phone rings. It's one of my best friends...my Father-in-Law! He tells me I'm welcome anytime and call him anytime, that I'm still family and his "buddy". This sounds gayish (cuz guys don't make other guys cry, lol), but I welled up a bit, BECAUSE, it meant ALOT to know that HE even thinks she's off her rocker. (Wife had called him the night b4 to tell him we're split). I thanked him for still including me as family and a friend, for I thot blood MAY be thicker than water. He replied, "We have always been trying to figure her out!" He said, It's not you buddy, you've been nothing but great to her, that she has a lot of growing up and figuring out to do. I told him I think her Depression has a lot to do with it, and he agreed it could. He also reminded me he went thru the same when his wife suddenly took off (back in '91) for no explainable reason, other than her being crazy. Is this shit genetic?!?! Physiological (i.e. true MLC, hormonal, ???)
Anyway, when FIL validates that this is all a bullshit fantasy, I really started to see the light a bit more. I told him it probably didn't matter how rich, loving, strong, hot, or hung I was (or am, just kidding), this shit woulda happened anyway cuz it's inside her. He agreed. He said she's been effed up even b4 I met her so "don't drive yourself crazy over it".
After seeing wife and then getting FIL phone call, I screamed out loud, making my kid laff, and said out loud "this is all bullshit, arrrgghh". Kid understood, and we had a pleasant talk (no wife bashing, not using him as a therapist, just nice father son talk). What a night.
Had one drink b4 bed...cuz I just needed one dammit.
It seems you don't really need this big hug, as you handled it pretty good, you are pretty strong person! Good for you!
My mil talked to me pretty much every day to support me, as she knows her son is an Asxxxx. WS does not talk to nobody in his family, only talk to OW.
All of this over getting sucked into a Facebook fantasy affair! Weak! Jesus man.
Blackhair, I feel for you too and sending a hug as well. Not all men are like yours. Not all men are cheaters or pigs or leave their little ones to do stupid shit. It's called integrity. Male or female, some of have it and some of us are just effed up.
Thank you all for your support.
To the ladies, don't take none of his shit.
To the men (who truly are good husbands/people), it ain't worth it.