Newbie, first post!
First off, I cannot believe some of the stories on here. I thot I was going thru Hell, but some of you...yikes!!
Anyway, I feel wimpy labeling myself with acronyms, so I want to say before I vent my story that I am a good, honest, faithful, strong man. I met my wife back in '89; I was in college, she in Gr 12. After her grad, we dated/lived together/had first child together. Then after about 5 years since meeting, we got officially married. We have grown, not just as husband/wife, but as a unit...friends, lovers, quarrelers, survivors, troopers, stuck up for one another, and on and on. I.E., a very DEEP relationship. Sooooo much history, and most of it good. Like any long term marriage, you go thru alot. Always stuck by her true to my vows and true to my integrity.
But, sadly, my wife has had some personality issues from way back. As a coping mechanism, I evolved with it. Many many things added to the layers of her internal problems, and chronic depression set in about 4 years ago, but I believe she's had depression/issues since a teenager. Maybe that's one of the attractions I had was I wanted to be her Knight in shining armor(!?). She was not your typical female. Terrible at expressing feelings, opening up. Even her sister said she's always been like that, and wife admitted it too. She hid away so much and it was near impossible to prod it out of her. Anyway, past 4 years, this Depression (Dysthimia) ate away at her (suicide thots, weight fluctuations, all the classic symptoms). She did get some meds for it, but the stuff she was on caused other problems, so she stopped. I became a co-dependant husband over the years... tried harder, always there for her, handling the parenting (two sons), meeting her needs (spoiling??), etc. I was exhausted doing all the things I did (which I now realise was all WRONG to do), but I was so addicted in trying to make her happy. As a result, I was feeling depressed (but not Depression), lost my physique, became dull, etc etc. I was obsessed with trying to make her life better.
Generally, we got along good, affectionate everyday, appreciative, all those good marriage things. We both worked and were the typical family (albeit her Depression unknown to many in the outside world).
D-Day, early July '13. Grabbed the laptop late one evening to check out some general sites. Opened screen and her facebook was sitting open and online (she musta forgot to logout b4 bed). Usually I just logout for her or whoever cuz I don't care and had TOTAL trust at that point in everything she did. But a fresh FB message was sitting there from the Loser. I wondered WTF and WhoTF is this messaging her so late at night!?! Clicked on message and saw 1500 messages, dating back from late spring!! Started going thru them (so uncharacteristic for me, but) and Wowa. Was I taken aback. Seriously!!! Sick shit, bull shit, corny high schooly shit (mostly from him). It was a guy from like her mid 80s Jr high days who woulda been in high school - like a gr 12 vs a gr 8. THIS is who she "fell in love" with...over Facebook!? Unreal. I knew most of her high school boyfriends, but had never heard of this guy.
Couldnt confront her right away since our son had important upcoming events going on in July and didn't wanna mess him up (by exposing). So, I lived with my discovery for about 5 weeks. All the classic exposure symptoms (grief, weight loss, etc). But one blessing in disguise is I had time to think things thru and act rationally when we had the exposure talk. Carried my self the best I could.
So, physical separation was official this a.m. Very civil. I hurt and am hurting so deep, but handled it well when face to face with her this past week (most of my craziness was dealt with in those 5 weeks prior). After the exposure, we talked. She does not blame me for anything. She is one confused girl. She has not broke the Affair. Don't know how that is gonna play out. Guess the proper thing for me to do is finally let go of my co-dependent enabler habits, re-tool me, bring back the real me, and re focus on life. The goof she's with is nothing special so, meh.
The Affair is not what bothers me the most. What bothers me the most is how I fear for this human I love (the real her inside all that pain). I fear that all of her unresolved mental health issues may cause an "episode(s)" in the future. It's like observing a terminally ill person who won't go to a doctor. At this point though, I just can't see reconciliation, unless we start fresh and slow and she gets all the mental health help required, etc. Even then I'm not so sure. Isn't Love crazy?!!!
Why oh why are so many people on this planet so screwed up? Some of your stories have floored me. I hope we can all pull together and stay strong.