SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Morhurt posted 8/13/2013 12:28 PM

I read people's tag lines (signatures?) and they are riddled with dates. I can't remember any.

Ok, one. On my H's bday this year he brought home a deli cake that his "friend" bought him. That was the last straw (actually the first real one) for me.

Anyway, there were ddays, I remember the general time but not a specific date. For example, I received a phone call from an OWH on a Friday in April this year. In early-mid June TT ended with full disclosure of ALL info, it was a Tuesday morning.

Sometimes I'm grateful that I won't have "antiversaries". And if I really wanted the dates, I could figure them out.

Am I alone in preferring to keep that vague?

ladies_first posted 8/13/2013 12:34 PM

Given that neuroscientists have proven we can "wear a groove" of negativity in our brains, and those thoughts become triggers, I think that your dateless-memory will be a blessing to you.

That's not to say that bad feelings don't serve a purpose -- but the purpose is to motivate change in behaviors, not obsessive trauma triggers.

Ostrich80 posted 8/13/2013 12:54 PM

I am just wired that way. I'm a date girl. Not just A stuff but with other things too..good and bad dates. I agree with. ^^^^^. prob a blessing you can block it

Nature_Girl posted 8/13/2013 12:55 PM

I don't remember the exact date for my DDay. I know the general time because it was a holiday weekend. But that's it. I just now had to look up the date for my really big DDay last year that gave me my "I'm done" moment and triggered the divorce.

I don't want to remember the dates. The dates aren't important to me. What happened is important, and how I live the rest of my life is important.

Kelany posted 8/13/2013 13:03 PM

I remember them all because I have an excellent memory, plus some of them were on our children's birthdays.

However it's too long to list them and I don't want them to BE significant anymore. I want to attach new meaning to them. Like the worst DDay? Is our youngest child's birthday AND my FWH's first SA meeting so it's his sobriety anniversary. I choose to look at it that way instead of all the terrible things about the day, like burning his clothes.

I mean will I remember those days? Yes. But do I have to always attach those memories to those days? No.

sparklezombie posted 8/13/2013 13:16 PM

I don't remember exact dates, but mostly because we've had a trickle/deluge of DD's. WH had issues with porn starting before we were even married (and we were virgins when we were married), then it turned into dating sites, then sex sites like AFF, then physical cheating, and all this. I can't remember any dates because I can't remember a time in our 11 year marriage that we really have not been dealing with this stuff. This makes me sad to type it out.

krazy8516 posted 8/13/2013 14:50 PM

I'm not really keeping track either. I'm not too far out from d-day, so I could go back to a calendar and remember what day it was, but the specific date isn't really important.

I'm a "date girl" but only as necessary. Birthdays, anniversaries (wedding, not "first date" or anything), and I tend to keep track of my menstual cycle - I do not need to be surprised by this!

Honestly, I am hoping that someday in the future this whole affair (no pun intended) will be worthless in the great scheme of things. I know I will never forget it, and I know that it has forever changed me, and my relationship with my husband. But by not remembering the specific day(s) I found out my husband was cheating on me, I am refusing to give the fire what it needs to grow. Besides, I would hate for any furture moments of happiness to be tarnished because of something that happened on that day a long, long time ago....

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 14:59 PM

My Dday was 9/11...... How in the hell am I not going to forget THAT day of ALL DAYS....hubby was flying on THAT day, out of Boston. I will never forget the confusion, hurt,worry. It was already a bad day for us, not it is just worse.

I have added dates below because it is easier to understand where i am coming from if they can see just this small snapshot of my world. I hate repeating myself and LTA people know instantly from my dates that we having something in common.

T

pmal64 posted 8/13/2013 15:05 PM

I am not one to track specifically... at the time I thought I would never forget the day or the hour! I know the specific year of both OW and events surrounding the time of the year. I remember how old my children were at the time(s). then again, I don't have the best day to day memory anyway and just generally not a specific date person.

catlover50 posted 8/13/2013 15:06 PM

I do remember Dday's date, but I plan on reimagining it. I have asked my fWH to change this date to ALA--Authentic Life Anniversary, because it was the beginning of his actually beginning to live honestly, openly and authentically.

The LTA was a symptom and we have both realized the lifetime of pathology his CSA contributed to. (not that that is an excuse or he gets an out--I feel compelled to add). Our lives together have changed so much.

So for our ALA he is charged with creating a special day that will be a celebration rather than a trigger or reason to look backwards. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with. (this is not something he has ever been good at before!)