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Beginning to feel resentful, but do i even have the right?

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Alyssamd24 posted 8/13/2013 12:39 PM

It has been 8 months since my A was discovered and my BH kicked me out of my home.
Since then I have tried to do what is needed to show him I am sorry and want to rebuild our relationship.

I am going to IC, we have gone to MC (and are planning on continuing) I have gone NC with the AP and am searching for a new job. I am trying to better myself as a whole person rather than just fix the obvious things.

I have made it well known to my BH that I want to go home and think it's necessary if we really want to R. He told me I would be able to move back home "sooner rather than later". That was 2 months ago.

I realize that I am the cause of us being apart and I am the one who damaged our relationship. It's my fault we are in this situation. But I am beginning to feel more frustrated as each day passes....I am starting to resent him for not letting me back home. But then I think I don't have the right to be upset because it is my actions that got us here. I am beginning to lose hope that we are going to R and don't think he truly wants me to come back. Each time I ask him he says he does, but I don't see that.

AStar posted 8/13/2013 13:05 PM

Hope you don't mind a comment from a BS.
Maybe you need to ask your H what you need to do to get back home. What does he need from you.
My WH thinks he is doing everything right- and he is doing everything that they tell the WS here.
However its not enough for me.
In my heart there is nothing he can do to undo his betrayal - I can not deal with it. I can not deal with his lies and deception.
In truth, no matter what he does I will never trust him and I want a divorce. I just don't know how to tell him... And yes it's less than a month since DDay.
So please ask your H to be honest with you. Ask him what he needs from you. Try to have an honest conversation as to how you can R.
Hopefully in your case you can. In mine, with him doing everything right now, we can't or I don't want to- damage is done. I just haven't had that honest conversation yet.
And from your post, your frustration, I think its given me some strength to start a conversation with my H.
Thank you for your words from the other side.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 13:08 PM


As there was no stop sign on your post I was hoping you wouldn't mind hearing from a BS.

I hear exactly what you are saying in this post and I understand your frustration. My WH didn't use the word resentful though, his was more shear frustration of not knowing how to help me. He was clueless when it came to understanding just exactly what it was that he had done to me with his LTA (4years). I was a horrible mess physically, emotionally and mentally. What I didn't understand in my darkness was how his inability to feel like he was helping was causing his guilt, pain and disrespect for himself to come sharply into focus. My triggers were my pain and his shame all rolled into one. I had no way of even understanding myself at that time let alone grasping this concept.

For some reason, and I am not even going to try and guess as to what this may be, your husband may not yet feel like you are truly remorseful. you say and feel you are "doing all the right things with MC/IC but are your actions and words showing him your remorse and devotion to trying to get to R???

Have you asked him why he is reluctant to let you back home?

Have you voiced your concern that R might be but a fleeting distant thought unless the two of you spend more quality time working together through this?

Not knowing the whole story I am only speculating. But it wasn't until I internalized my husbands actions as truly remorseful was I able to move forward and become more positive.

Open and honest communication is your best bet....but do not blame, do not capitulate. Honestly tell him how you feel about not getting to move back home. Honestly ask him to tell you his reasons for not being able to let you do that yet. If he answers DO NOT SAY ONE WORD UNTIL HE IS FINISHED....that is very key. It might even work if you regurgitate what he says so you know you heard it right and he knows you got it. Once you have that first open conversation you MIGHT be surprised where your journey might go.


[This message edited by TxsT at 1:14 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

TimeToManUp posted 8/13/2013 13:12 PM

Just like your BH, you have the right to feel however you feel. Nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong. You feel what you feel, y'know? The question is, how do those feelings help you achieve your goal? Being resentful is unlikely to help you find your way back to your husband. And besides, your husband allowing you back is a goal that is completely out of your control. You could be 100% remorseful, truthful, transparent, become a model WW and mother... And he may still not want you back. It hurts to hear it, it's soul-crushing, but it's true. He may never come to grips with what you did and this may be a deal-breaker. All you can control is YOU. Fix you, take this time away to get healthy, do some introspection. Look at yourself and your life and see where you went wrong, fix it, and take measures to assure it won't happen again. All you can really do is make yourself someone that your husband WOULD WANT. And if he doesn't ever want you back, as sad as that may be, at least you will be a healthier person for the next (single) man that comes along.

I couldn't possibly relate more to your issues with the job (if you've never read any of my posts). I know how hard that is. I wish you luck on all fronts.

TxsT posted 8/13/2013 13:23 PM

Time.....I have had the pleasure of reading many of your posts. I respect you, I respect your honesty. You come across to me as a person who truly "gets it".

I am on a mission to try and understand my husbands own struggles. He and I have been able to share many of his feelings of self loathing, shame, disgust at his actions. What I am trying to do now that I am stronger and our R is healthier is to help him get out of his pain. He has been a rock for me for the last year...he has been patient, loving, respectful, remorseful, and has from minute 1 tried his very hardest to help me get to where I am today. Through this journey though I have come to realize that he will never forgive himself if I don't force the issue. He is a horrible internalizer and a bad communicator when he knows what he has to say might hurt me. He gets that's how his WHY came about. It kills him as much as it kills me to know that some simple and carefully guided fixes years ago would have allowed us to skip this horrible reality in our M.

He wants to return to IC but we have spent a mere fortune getting to today. I would appreciate any words of wise dome you may have that might help me on my quest. Several attempts at honest communication have been disastrous on my part. I now feel like he did a year ago when I was in need of his assistance.

Reaching out from the other side is just as hard!!!!


StrongerOne posted 8/13/2013 19:23 PM


I'm wondering if your BH is still "friends" with that other woman, and if so, is this part of your resentment?

As for the expense of IC -- cheaper than divorce, maintaining two households, etc. See if there is something that can be cut out or cut back to pay for IC.

I have been following your posts and see how you are trying hard to do the right thing. You can support and help your BH, but as you know you can't do his healing for him. And eight months is not a very long time, for a BS. Even without the complication of his special female friend.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 8/13/2013 19:33 PM


Hang in there, your frustrations are valid.

I don't know if I have any good advice for you, but you have been making good progress.

I don't know if the other BS's will appreciate these thoughts or not, but one of the things that helped snap me out of my "victim role" was when my wife finally told me that she saw a lawyer and wanted a divorce. Not saying that your husband is adopting a victim role--I merely point this out because we often say in the BS forums that you have to be willing to let go of a marriage to save it. The same may apply here. This limbo thing has gone on long enough. Yes, your actions did this to your marriage. But your actions alone can't save it now. Without him committing to working on R and letting you move back home, the chances of R are getting smaller and smaller.

Stay strong.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/13/2013 21:17 PM

Thank you everyone for your support. My BH is no longer "friends" with the other woman. After our last discussion with about her he realized spending time with her wasn't helping us and told her they can't hang out. He and I spoke tonight and I told him basically what you have all said...that I can't go back and take back what I did even though I would like to. All I can do now is focus on the future and make the changes I need to be better. I would like to show him I have changed but can only do that if he lets me.

I also told him that if he doesn't let me move back home soon I am going to start to look for an apartment for our daughter and I. I can't force him to want to R with me, but instead am going to focus on the changes I need to make so I can build a life for me and my daughter.

84CF posted 8/13/2013 21:53 PM

Speaking as a BH here, I must say that while on a certain level I understand your frustration, I think it also comes from a sense of expectation that might not be fair. It is possible that your BH just can't tell you that it is over, but if I had to guess, I think it is more likely that he is simply (and quite justifiably) still afraid and unsure. Forcing the issue will only deepen and confirm that fear as it will demonstrate that you are only doing what you have been doing with the expectation that he will then be obligated to give something back to you in return. As long as you think this way, he will sense it and on some level, deep inside, resent the obligation. In making amends you are simply giving back what you have already taken. He owes you nothing in return.

Figure out (gently, lovingly, compassionately, thoughtfully, remorsefully) what he is still afraid of. Own it. Be grateful for the fact that he still keeps open a window of opportunity. Make him know that no matter what, whether you eventually reconcile or not, you will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to heal his fear. Don't expect anything in return.

If you truly do all that with 100% conviction, things will start moving forward to whatever future you and your husband will have.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by 84CF at 9:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

TimeToManUp posted 8/13/2013 21:56 PM

I apologize in advance for the t/j here.

TxsT - I can assure you that in my head, I do certainly get it. Putting it all into practical use in my own life? That hasn't been so smooth. But I feel I'm finally bridging that gap, one plank at a time. So as far as advice goes, I feel your husband has to forgive himself. He has to. He is constructing his own prison by not doing so. For the first 10 months or so post D-Day, I couldn't stop thinking about what people would think of me and my actions. In our darkest times, I felt like I wanted to leave, but couldn't stand the thought of not only having cheated on my wife, but then also walking out on our family. I never seriously planned on leaving, but the thoughts crossed my mind like I'm sure they have for many WSes who have run the gauntlet of R. But at some point, I realized that y'know what? I did what I did. It can't be changed. It was awful, but that doesn't mean I AM AWFUL. I still had value left in me. If I hadn't let go of that fear of judgement I don't know where I'd be right now. Our attempt at R right now is on thin ice, but it certainly feels like the temperature is dropping and the ice is getting more stable. I don't know if I was able to give you any of the advice you were looking for, but I wish you good luck and I hope he can find that self-forgiveness. I am confident that once he does, a lot of that explosiveness will be defused.

heartache101 posted 8/13/2013 22:08 PM


Just what would he do if you just showed up with your bags packed and in the house??? Throw you out?

You could sleep in the guest room. But atleast you would be home. Just what I would do and I am a BS.

Hugs doll..

TimeToManUp posted 8/13/2013 22:13 PM

it will demonstrate that you are only doing what you have been doing with the expectation that he will then be obligated to give something back to you in return. As long as you think this way, he will sense it and on some level, deep inside, resent the obligation.

Oh yes, how I know this concept well. I don't remember when this revelation came to me, but it was a big one. Nothing builds resentment as quickly or as powerfully as doing good deeds for others and expecting a reciprocation that doesn't come.

Prior to my A, my job was a blessing rather than an albatross. I was by far the most successful member of my family. I would frequently pay for things for my unemployed brother or give generous gifts to my sister and her family, etc. I would regularly pay for my brother to play on our hockey team, and tell him he could do some handyman type work around our house in return, but never call in the favor. After doing this for years, I would still generally be treated in a manner that I felt was a least a little less than I deserved. So the resentment would start to build inside of me. I'm doing all of these nice things, why am I not being treated better? The fact is, there is no guarantee that someone will reciprocate your efforts. You need to do it for YOU. Do it because it makes you feel good to do it, not because doing it may lead to an external validation that feels good. If you were serving meals at a soup kitchen, there is a good chance that some, or even a lot, of the people coming through will be unpleasant. They are living a miserable life, being served food by some suburbanite who is going to leave and go back to their warm home while they go find a thick cardboard box to sleep on. You need to find your pleasure in the act of helping, not in the validation of your efforts.

In the end, even though my brother and I don't always get along great, I really enjoyed playing on the same hockey team with him, and I continued to pay for him to play for that reason. He's got a job now, so that is no longer an issue.

In the end, Alyssa, do it for you, not for him. If you do it for you, you'll have no reason to be resentful.

Trying33 posted 8/14/2013 05:03 AM

I also told him that if he doesn't let me move back home soon I am going to start to look for an apartment for our daughter and I. I can't force him to want to R with me, but instead am going to focus on the changes I need to make so I can build a life for me and my daughter.

Yes Alyssa, YES!
It's one thing him not letting you back in because he's still not ready and communicating a time frame to you. It's another thing you being in no mans land wondering what the eff is happening every night before you go to sleep.

It's not that easy living with parents after having your own home and life. I love my parents but living back with them would drive me crazy. If it was short-term I'd cope but your situation is now verging on long-term.

Do it. Just like you started looking for another job, also start looking for an apartment. You have to start leading your own life and not stop your life waiting for an answer.

If R on the cards then so be it but in the meantime you're forging ahead with your own life.

84CF posted 8/14/2013 07:47 AM

This is the last that I'll post in your thread if you don't ask for it specifically, but I have to say, without meaning any offense to anyone, that much of the advice you're receiving about how your resentment is valid and that you should try to force your way back is, IMO, dead wrong. Listen to TimeToManUp. Listen to me.

If you push your BH's decision in any way, it will be a sure way to kill any chance of real reconciliation that you might have. He may let you back in the short term, but in the long term it will lead to further resentment and fear. Be certain of that. Be certain also that it is exactly the opposite of true reconciliation.

The fact that he is still talking to you, still saying that he wants to reconcile, means that there is still a chance. Pretend it's the last ember in a fire that you need to relight. Don't extinguish it by forcing it to burn more brightly than it does. Treat it gently and value it for what it is: hope.

[This message edited by 84CF at 7:51 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

StrongerOne posted 8/14/2013 10:39 AM

Very painful My FWH offered to move out after DDay, and regularly for almost a year afterwards. I always said no -- even though I often couldn't stand to look at him, when just his being in the same room made me cry -- because I was afraid that would be the end of a really good marriage, the loss of a (mostly) good husband and a good dad. My heart really breaks for both of you.

Sorry about the t/j

So, if you cannot come to a compromise with your BH about moving back into the house, whether it be in the guest room or whatever, then I think you do need to get a place for yourself and your daughter. No matter how wonderful your parents may be, it's got to be hard for you to feel like an adult living in their house. And you need a place to be with your daughter, and your daughter needs a place to be with *you*. Work out with your BH a visitation schedule. Keep going to IC. Will your BH go to MC with you?

Wishing you continued strength as you try to do the right thing.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/14/2013 20:54 PM

I do understand what you are saying and agree with it. I don't want to push my way back in or pressure him to R, I want him to want it.

I know that he is still afraid of letting me back in and trusting me and think that's why he hasn't let me move back home. But I also think he hasn't really dealt with any of his pain yet and is still suppressing it. Each time we have talked he has agreed that he has to face it and deal with it, yet admitted to me last night he hasn't done any of his own work yet to do this. I know it's going to take time for him and realize I can't push it.

But on the other hand, I can't keep going there for a few hours at a time simply to have sex with him and then go back to my parents house...I know that sounds ridiculous but that is actually what happens...I feel like the only reason he wants me to go there is just for that reason....he says he likes to be physical with me cuz it helps him feel connected to me. I understand that but we need to connect in other ways too....we need to sit down and communicate and work on our problems....each time we try he says he knows he needs to figure stuff out, but then never does.

I want to give him time to heal and process, but at the sane time, like others have said, I need to work on myself and get my own shit in order. I need to focus on myself and being a good mother to my daughter.

I hope that makes some sense....Thank you for your responses, I do appreciate them.

HarvesterofSorro posted 8/14/2013 21:07 PM

Get your own place

TxsT posted 8/15/2013 02:28 AM


Thank you for your response. Hubby does not have much anger thankfully, that all came out before the A came out of the closet. What he does have is huge amounts of shame, regret, remorse, and bad doubts about his personal judgement. He is having a hard time coming to grips with what he did. That's why he hates himself so much right now. Is there
Any one thing your spouse has done for you that made you feel less terrible and dirty?


authenticnow posted 8/15/2013 05:50 AM


Let's stick to support for the original poster on this thread.

BSs may ask questions of the waywards here:

Thank you .

ninebark posted 8/15/2013 07:33 AM

I am a BS and will offer my 2cents.

I know how devestating an A can be to a BS, but it seems that 8months is a long time to be living apart if he is looking to R.

I think you are correct, it is time to start living your life as if you are going to be divorced or separated. I don't think trying to force his hand will work by trying to come back into the house, but you can't live in limbo forever.

He is not going to move on if he cannot face his own emotions and work on dealing with the pain. If he can't work on himself, he won't be working on your marriage.

It sounds like you are seriously sorry for your actions and working hard to repair the damage. I wish my WH had the same attitude. I wish you luck. Take this time to work on yourself, I know when separated from my EXH I used that time to get to know myself again, and found strength I never knew I had. I think that applies to BS adn WS alike.

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