It sounds like your husband is sorry for his actions, and that is a good place to start. For your part, please remember that this is not your fault, but is a result of your husband's insecurity, need for ego-building, etc.
Make sure you are eating if possible, and getting the rest you need. Any way that you can relax at all will help you. If that means a bubble bath with a glass of wine, do it. If it means going for a long walk, do it. Exercise helps too.
It is possible to move on from this, but it takes a lot of time and hard work, especially from your husband. What is he doing specifically to show you his remorse?
Take care and keep posting, this site is a life saver.
Together 35 years
6-5-06 Day of Reckoning
Familiarity breeds contempt.
At only two days after your H's confession, of course you feel completely lost, devastated, hopeless, stunned, etc. You're likely to feel variations of all these emotions and more for quite some time. I really do believe that it takes years to move beyond infidelity, and that the first couple are the hardest. But, if you both end up desiring reconciliation, and work at it consistently, it is possible.
I know that the idea of years to heal seems insurmountable, but I found that it helped me to realize that the worst of the pain and anger would not be with me for every day of those years. Everyday marked the passage of time, and that passage brought me closer and closer to finding myself again. (I don't think I could see this for the first 18 months, but trust me, it is true.)
I wouldn't censor any of my thoughts and emotions if I were you; let them come and try to just survive them. You don't have to do anything right now, but survive. You don't need to make any decisions or plans other than to survive, and to try and keep a flicker of knowledge that this will someday get better, and that you will somehow find your way through.
Try to eat and drink; get out and walk, run, bike, do yoga, anything healthy to find a moment's peace; try to get into therapy and find a trusted support network; if you can't sleep or tolerate your emotions, see you doctor for help; get tested for STD's; come to this site as often as you want/need; work out what is necessary for reconciliation if you want it--no contact, full transparency, unwavering support, open and respectful communication, etc; in other words, try to take care of your basic needs.
As I said earlier, if you want to reconcile and your H is remorseful and ready and committed to do all the hard work, it is possible to not just to survive this nightmare, but to find something really valuable and lovely on the other side.
I'm so sorry you're here. What I wished I would have done right away: kick him out. Tell him to go to sexaholics anonymous if there are meetings close by. Get yourself into a S-ANON meeting and find a good therapist. If you can find a certified sex addiction therapist, please urge your H to see one. Then step back and see how he handles these things you need from him. Even if it turns out he isn't a sex addict, he should be willing to do these things to figure it out.
I waited a long time, was unwilling to kick him out and it took over a month for him to start getting help.
I also understand about memories feeling tainted now. Now I think 'who is this guy I allowed to be in the same room as me when giving birth to my children?' It really sucks.
If you feel you belong, please join us in the I Can Relate forum and go to the spouses of sex addicts thread.
edited to add: if asking him to leave for a bit is too much, then at least ask for some emotional space if you need it. I say kick him out with such confidence, but it wasn't something I was able to get myself to do.
[This message edited by sadone29 at 6:33 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
You did nothing wrong, I can assure you. The behavior that your husband is exhibiting is disturbing and perhaps unbelievable for you right now.
I would also urge you to go for a full STD panel; you don;t know what he has been doing and in turn that could affect you. I know, I am so scared for you, I am right there with you, my initial STD panel has come back clean but waiting on the HIV test.
It is a very scary, lonely time but there are thousands of us, as sad as that is. No one can judge you, this is your life and your relationship. Read a lot and try to get some sleep and try to eat, at least nibble. You will need all your strength physically now. ((Hugs))
Sorry for unintentional edit. Nothing changed.
[This message edited by Runninggirl at 11:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
I remember the absolute shell shock of the first days. I promise there are better days ahead. It is definitely a journey and usually a rollercoaster.
However, you are lucky that you made it to this site so early in the process! There are wonderful and wise people here to offer comfort, support, and suggestions. I see you've gotten lots of good advice already.
Take a deep breath and take things slowly. Be good to yourself, first and foremost. Basic needs first - hydrate, eat, try to sleep (use some Tylenol PM if needed!), and exercise in some form. Do anything you can to calm yourself. It will help. You will need all your strength for the journey ahead.
StillStanding1 has a great list.
p.s IC means individual counselling :)
IC is individual counseling. That would be very helpful prior to making a decision. In my humble opinion it is too early for your husband to be demonstrating true remorse. He is demonstrating regret....but remorse is more about actions. Remorse is demonstrated by how he helps you heal. It is how he acts in the future, how transparent is he, how does he act when he thinks "you should be over it". It is a long term behavior, not the immediate. My H cried too when caught....but he also went back. He did finally get to remorse, but it took him a while. What you husband to evaluate the true remorsefulness he demonstrates or doesn't demonstrate.
Take care of yourself.
It was recommended to me to go for 6 months and then make the decision to divorce or not.
You can kick him out for now if you want to be alone. That doesn't mean you are divorcing him. You get to call the shots. He has to SHOW you he is going to go to counseling to fix himself.
Keep posting here, we care.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
I'm so sorry about how your life exploded. Like everyone else here, I know the devastation. I was like a zombie for the first few days.
IC means individual counselor.
Don't hesitate to go to your doctor for sleep meds if you can't sleep. You won't be on them forever, but they help during the most difficult of times.
Like others have said, even though your H is showing remorse, (and tears) he may be tempted to do it some more, even if he thinks he is done with it. Even if he is not an addict, there will be some degree of withdrawal. I hope he is truly telling you the truth...all the truth.
There is also a chance he was just crying because he was caught, but has no intention of stopping...there may be more he didn't tell you.
Don't hold back if you have questions. You deserve to know the answer to any question you have, no matter how much it hurts. Let him know that you don't want him to withhold anything from you whenever you ask a Q.
Also, if you know all his passwords to his phone, computer, email, etc. get in there and see what has been going on before he has a chance to delete things. Look at the phone bill account, credit card accounts, bank account. You will learn a lot there...hopefully not.
If you don't have passwords, ask him to give them all to you, and don't let him leave until you have looked at them, so he won't delete. If he is truly wanting to leave that life behind, he will gladly give them to you. If he balks, it will be a sign he is still hiding things.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
Keep reading and posting.
Knowledge is your friend.
Knowledge is power.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
You have already recieved good advice, I just want to add a few thing in here.
What your husband has done, sound much more like a sexual addiction issue than having an affair. Which means it really gets treated quite differently than working on healing a marriage from an affair. I am not discounting your pain, or your situtation in anyway. INfidelity is infidelity, and it hurts like hell no matter how its's done. I just want you to be aware that many of the things that are recommended for him to heal, and work on himself are a bit different.
He NEEDS to get into therapy with a Sexual Addiction specialist. If you don't have those in your area, then please find a therapist that works with addiction. He has to do a lot of hard work to peel the layers back to figure out his why's of what he did, and who he has become. If he is willing to do anything like he says he will jump at the chance to do this.
Addiction is an evil creature, and doesn't change who your H is at his core. He has loved you from the beginning and still loves you, but like being an alcoholic sneaking another drink, or a drug addict searching for another hit, he is wrapped up in trying to find his next "high" .
Please believe that this has NOTHING to do with who you are, the kind of wife, lover, friend that you have been to him. This is a much deeper issuse. It's ok to still love him, and it's ok to want to work on healing. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass by any means.
Get yourself a book on codependency, and start working on you as well. You don't want to be an enabler of his behaviors. This will help you get your strength back.
As far as where to go, who to tell: Can you possibly return to home, but stay in separate rooms?
Go down to the I can relate forum, there is a thread there for people who are married to sex addicts. You will get some very good advice down there. Keep reading the healing library, and keep on posting, you are safe here.