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Don't know what to do. Please help me

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SpaceJane posted 8/13/2013 12:40 PM

I am crying as I type this as I never in my life would have imagined this could happen to me. I had a suspicion since a month ago, but only two days ago my husband confessed the truth to me. I am sure he is not saying everything. He has been visiting massage parlors for three years. We have been married three years, together for 12. We are a young couple,almost 30, with no kids. I am so hurt, betrayed, destroyed. I always thought so highly of him and I feel like I can't even look at him now. My immediate response was divorce, and he has been asking me to please work on this with him that it will be hard but he can't stand to lose me. It's so hard to believe. I'm so afraid to go and so afraid to stay. It is so hard to believe that we never had a real marriage. All my memories are tainted. I thought we were happy. He says he wants a new chance to be a good husband to me, but I don't know if I should believe him, he was always so sweet to me I would have never expected this. He said he was an idiot and he has no excuse, that he took me for granted and doesn't know why he did what he did, that he doesn't even know that person, that it's not him. I'm so confused. I don't know if I can heal from this, how long will it take, will it ever work. I adored this man, obviously still love him. He says he loves me so much but his actions speak otherwise of course. I don't know if it's worth it to put in the effort to try to fix this marriage, how can I determine this? Is it possible to ever move on?? Please please help
Me. I'm so lost :(

scarredforever posted 8/13/2013 12:48 PM

Huge hugs to you Jane. Of course this place is not where you want to be, but this forum will help you out immensely. Take a moment to read some in the Healing Library which you can see to the left right above the smiling Dr. Phil picture. Those articles sure helped me a lot in the early stages.

It sounds like your husband is sorry for his actions, and that is a good place to start. For your part, please remember that this is not your fault, but is a result of your husband's insecurity, need for ego-building, etc.

Make sure you are eating if possible, and getting the rest you need. Any way that you can relax at all will help you. If that means a bubble bath with a glass of wine, do it. If it means going for a long walk, do it. Exercise helps too.

It is possible to move on from this, but it takes a lot of time and hard work, especially from your husband. What is he doing specifically to show you his remorse?

Take care and keep posting, this site is a life saver.

lostworld posted 8/13/2013 13:14 PM

I am so sorry, SJ. Scarredforever mentioned the Healing Library, and I just want to further encourage you to turn there for insight and information. Look especially at "FAQs for the betrayed spouse."

At only two days after your H's confession, of course you feel completely lost, devastated, hopeless, stunned, etc. You're likely to feel variations of all these emotions and more for quite some time. I really do believe that it takes years to move beyond infidelity, and that the first couple are the hardest. But, if you both end up desiring reconciliation, and work at it consistently, it is possible.

I know that the idea of years to heal seems insurmountable, but I found that it helped me to realize that the worst of the pain and anger would not be with me for every day of those years. Everyday marked the passage of time, and that passage brought me closer and closer to finding myself again. (I don't think I could see this for the first 18 months, but trust me, it is true.)

I wouldn't censor any of my thoughts and emotions if I were you; let them come and try to just survive them. You don't have to do anything right now, but survive. You don't need to make any decisions or plans other than to survive, and to try and keep a flicker of knowledge that this will someday get better, and that you will somehow find your way through.

Try to eat and drink; get out and walk, run, bike, do yoga, anything healthy to find a moment's peace; try to get into therapy and find a trusted support network; if you can't sleep or tolerate your emotions, see you doctor for help; get tested for STD's; come to this site as often as you want/need; work out what is necessary for reconciliation if you want it--no contact, full transparency, unwavering support, open and respectful communication, etc; in other words, try to take care of your basic needs.

As I said earlier, if you want to reconcile and your H is remorseful and ready and committed to do all the hard work, it is possible to not just to survive this nightmare, but to find something really valuable and lovely on the other side.

SpaceJane posted 8/13/2013 16:38 PM

Thank you scarredforever and lostworld for your responses. I will try to take care of myself as I haven't really been able to eat or sleep very well. I am so exhausted I think from all the emotions. I haven't been very angry yet, I think it will start soon though, I just get angry at times but I am mostly so sad. I am staying at my parents place for now, house is empty, I haven't told anyone about this, my husband comes to see me everyday to make sure I eat and to talk to me. That's as far as he has done. My parents will return home this weekend and I don't know what to do. If I stay with them I'll have to tell them something is going in for me to have moved out. I was thinking of having a separation for a while but I don't know if that will help or what is the point of it besides punishment. I feel so disrespected and that I would be a doormat if I take him back immediately. The thing is also that I haven't decided if I am taking him back. I want to and don't want to at the same time. I will read through the healing library. Thank you for your insight.

SpaceJane posted 8/13/2013 17:04 PM

He has said to me that he is willing to do whatever it takes to save this, anything at all. He seems remorseful, I've never seen him cry so painfully, he actually never cries.I still have so many unanswered questions though, like why wasn't he remorseful all this time, only when he got caught, why didn't he stop, he never had the intention of stopping until I caught him. It's so hurtful. Why didn't he think of me while walking in there, etc etc. he can't answer these questions for me. I don't know what entails fixing this, so I don't know what to tell him he needs to do. I feel like most of the work would be on me, as I am the know who has to live with the mental movies and crashed memories. I don't know if I can do this

sadone29 posted 8/13/2013 18:14 PM

Hi SpaceJane,

I'm so sorry you're here. What I wished I would have done right away: kick him out. Tell him to go to sexaholics anonymous if there are meetings close by. Get yourself into a S-ANON meeting and find a good therapist. If you can find a certified sex addiction therapist, please urge your H to see one. Then step back and see how he handles these things you need from him. Even if it turns out he isn't a sex addict, he should be willing to do these things to figure it out.

I waited a long time, was unwilling to kick him out and it took over a month for him to start getting help.

I also understand about memories feeling tainted now. Now I think 'who is this guy I allowed to be in the same room as me when giving birth to my children?' It really sucks.

If you feel you belong, please join us in the I Can Relate forum and go to the spouses of sex addicts thread.

edited to add: if asking him to leave for a bit is too much, then at least ask for some emotional space if you need it. I say kick him out with such confidence, but it wasn't something I was able to get myself to do.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 6:33 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

DollheartDead posted 8/13/2013 19:24 PM

SpaceJane, I am so very, very sorry that you find yourself here like the rest of us. As others have mentioned, the Healing Library was a HUGE support for me. I gave up crying 2 days after DDay but I still cry a little bit each day.
This is the ultimate betrayal, you may even feel guilty for still caring about him if you do (like I do for my WS). We have to live our lives for ourselves, only you can really figure out what will work for you. Your H sounds like he wants to try but maybe he needs more help. Has he or you looked into MC or IC? We are currently in MC and WS will be doing IC as he may be a sex addict and he needs help.

You did nothing wrong, I can assure you. The behavior that your husband is exhibiting is disturbing and perhaps unbelievable for you right now.
I would also urge you to go for a full STD panel; you don;t know what he has been doing and in turn that could affect you. I know, I am so scared for you, I am right there with you, my initial STD panel has come back clean but waiting on the HIV test.

It is a very scary, lonely time but there are thousands of us, as sad as that is. No one can judge you, this is your life and your relationship. Read a lot and try to get some sleep and try to eat, at least nibble. You will need all your strength physically now. ((Hugs))

SpaceJane posted 8/13/2013 22:57 PM

Thank you Sadone29 and DollHeartDead for your words. It is already so so helpful to have someone to talk to and who, most importantly, relates. I haven't been able to talk to anyone as I am so humiliated and I don't want to make things more complicated than they are. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders by just these few posts. Even tho I am sad, this has made me happy. I haven't looked at MC yet as it has been only a couple days since DDay, I'm still not sure if I want to save this, I go back and forth. I am not sure what IC means, so any help will be appreciated. I checked the abbreviations page but couldn't find it there. I will be getting an STD screening even though H said he never had sex with anyone, who knows, right now I can't trust him. I mentioned to him the sex addict counseling, and he said he isn't one, but if that's what it's needed he will do it. I think he should go regardless of whether we work this out or not. Thank you everyone for replying to my post, it has helped immensely.

Runninggirl posted 8/13/2013 23:10 PM

I'm so sorry you are here, but thankful you found this very safe place.
The posters here have already given you great advice. Definitely scope out The Healing Library.
Also just browsing through old threads on Just Found Out is beyond helpful.
You will see that your story is not
uncommon and you are NOT going as crazy as you probably feel.
The BEST advice I got when I first came here was
1) This just happened. Do not feel like you have to make any life changing decisions right now.
2) You are in shock. Please be gentle with yourself. TRY not to get stuck thinking this is anything to do with something you could have prevented/or something you caused.
3) If today you say you're staying. Tomorrow you say you are leaving...and everything in between and then change your mind a million more times---Do NOT feel like anyone here is expecting you to commit to anything right now.
We totally GET IT.
4) Consider how much info you share with people in your life. (That was 'lifesaving advice' early on. Being able to open up so freely here prevented me from sharing way too much about FWH that I couldn't undo (not to protect him, but to keep our family from being fodder for gossip {we live in a teeny tiny community. In our situation, This was best for me and my family. Definitely not saying sharing is the wrong way to go about. For me personally, this was best advice I ever got} You can always share details later, but you can NEVER UNTELL them.
All that said--- Hugs. Vent all you need. You are definitely safe here and there is pretty much nothing you can say about your situation that will be judged. In fact, I think you will be amazed by the absolute care and support..


Sorry for unintentional edit. Nothing changed.

[This message edited by Runninggirl at 11:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

StillStanding1 posted 8/13/2013 23:28 PM

Sending you more hugs, Jane!

I remember the absolute shell shock of the first days. I promise there are better days ahead. It is definitely a journey and usually a rollercoaster.

However, you are lucky that you made it to this site so early in the process! There are wonderful and wise people here to offer comfort, support, and suggestions. I see you've gotten lots of good advice already.

Take a deep breath and take things slowly. Be good to yourself, first and foremost. Basic needs first - hydrate, eat, try to sleep (use some Tylenol PM if needed!), and exercise in some form. Do anything you can to calm yourself. It will help. You will need all your strength for the journey ahead.


Runninggirl posted 8/14/2013 00:27 AM

I know the tears and grief aren't fixable by any of us, unfortunately, Please don't let yourself get dehydrated because it will lead to the most killer puke inducing freaking headache of all time on top of everything else.
Had NO idea crying so hard for so long could wreak such havoc on our bodies. Forcing Fritos and coconut water (advice from someone on this site, of course) down kept that pounding in my ears and that unholy headache at bay.

StillStanding1 has a great list.

sadone29 posted 8/14/2013 08:13 AM

We went to MC early on, and in my experience, it didn't help...not this early in the process. I had no idea if I wanted to save the marriage, and it became clear that no amount of couple's counselling was going to help. It's been 5 months and I still have no idea what I want! It's pretty frustrating.
But right now, it's about taking things at your pace and taking care of yourself first.

p.s IC means individual counselling :)

SpaceJane posted 8/14/2013 19:29 PM

Thank you ladies for all the invaluable advice. I feel so supported and grateful to have found this site so early on. I found it since I had suspicions and was searching for massage parlor infidelity answers :( of course one of the ladies here was going through that and I caught on :( I have been taking care of myself a little better and just taking things day by day, I feel like I will be posting a lot more because it is so helpful. Today is such a bad day. I guess I'll have to stock up in that coconut water and fritos, I am too familiar with said headache :( . Hugs to you all well. Makes me so sad that we are all here :(

brkn_heartd posted 8/14/2013 21:23 PM

You have had some great words of wisdom already. Welcome to a great support group. You do not have to make any decisions now. Just care for yourself.

IC is individual counseling. That would be very helpful prior to making a decision. In my humble opinion it is too early for your husband to be demonstrating true remorse. He is demonstrating regret....but remorse is more about actions. Remorse is demonstrated by how he helps you heal. It is how he acts in the future, how transparent is he, how does he act when he thinks "you should be over it". It is a long term behavior, not the immediate. My H cried too when caught....but he also went back. He did finally get to remorse, but it took him a while. What you husband to evaluate the true remorsefulness he demonstrates or doesn't demonstrate.

Take care of yourself.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/14/2013 21:46 PM

Insist he go into counseling.
You go, too.

It was recommended to me to go for 6 months and then make the decision to divorce or not.

You can kick him out for now if you want to be alone. That doesn't mean you are divorcing him. You get to call the shots. He has to SHOW you he is going to go to counseling to fix himself.

Keep posting here, we care.

HurtButHopeful? posted 8/14/2013 22:49 PM

(((((SpaceJane))))) (That means a cyber hug)

I'm so sorry about how your life exploded. Like everyone else here, I know the devastation. I was like a zombie for the first few days.

IC means individual counselor.

Don't hesitate to go to your doctor for sleep meds if you can't sleep. You won't be on them forever, but they help during the most difficult of times.

Like others have said, even though your H is showing remorse, (and tears) he may be tempted to do it some more, even if he thinks he is done with it. Even if he is not an addict, there will be some degree of withdrawal. I hope he is truly telling you the truth...all the truth.

There is also a chance he was just crying because he was caught, but has no intention of stopping...there may be more he didn't tell you.

Don't hold back if you have questions. You deserve to know the answer to any question you have, no matter how much it hurts. Let him know that you don't want him to withhold anything from you whenever you ask a Q.

Also, if you know all his passwords to his phone, computer, email, etc. get in there and see what has been going on before he has a chance to delete things. Look at the phone bill account, credit card accounts, bank account. You will learn a lot there...hopefully not.

If you don't have passwords, ask him to give them all to you, and don't let him leave until you have looked at them, so he won't delete. If he is truly wanting to leave that life behind, he will gladly give them to you. If he balks, it will be a sign he is still hiding things.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Keep reading and posting.

Knowledge is your friend.

Knowledge is power.

SpaceJane posted 8/15/2013 11:50 AM

Thank you so much for replying. I have always had access to all his things, phone, emails, banks, everything, but I never really checked until recently when I found a mysterious cash withdrawal. That started everything. I will check again.
I completely agree with you about him feeling regret and not remorse yet, I was thinking the same thing. I know for a fact he didn't have the intention of stopping, which is what hurts so much. He never felt guilt or remorse, he would come home and act like nothing happened. I was fooled all this time. At this point, I'm not sure I want to save this, it seems like a lot of heartache and I don't know if I would be able to survive a "relapse", if you say is likely that it will happen :( I will seek counseling. Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.

tushnurse posted 8/15/2013 12:08 PM

Welcome to the best club no one ever planned to join.

You have already recieved good advice, I just want to add a few thing in here.

What your husband has done, sound much more like a sexual addiction issue than having an affair. Which means it really gets treated quite differently than working on healing a marriage from an affair. I am not discounting your pain, or your situtation in anyway. INfidelity is infidelity, and it hurts like hell no matter how its's done. I just want you to be aware that many of the things that are recommended for him to heal, and work on himself are a bit different.
He NEEDS to get into therapy with a Sexual Addiction specialist. If you don't have those in your area, then please find a therapist that works with addiction. He has to do a lot of hard work to peel the layers back to figure out his why's of what he did, and who he has become. If he is willing to do anything like he says he will jump at the chance to do this.
Addiction is an evil creature, and doesn't change who your H is at his core. He has loved you from the beginning and still loves you, but like being an alcoholic sneaking another drink, or a drug addict searching for another hit, he is wrapped up in trying to find his next "high" .

Please believe that this has NOTHING to do with who you are, the kind of wife, lover, friend that you have been to him. This is a much deeper issuse. It's ok to still love him, and it's ok to want to work on healing. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass by any means.

Get yourself a book on codependency, and start working on you as well. You don't want to be an enabler of his behaviors. This will help you get your strength back.

As far as where to go, who to tell: Can you possibly return to home, but stay in separate rooms?

Go down to the I can relate forum, there is a thread there for people who are married to sex addicts. You will get some very good advice down there. Keep reading the healing library, and keep on posting, you are safe here.

((((and strength))))

SpaceJane posted 8/16/2013 17:27 PM

Thank you tushnurse, I mentioned SA therapy to him and he said he isn't one but he will go if that's what it takes. He said he doesn't know why he did it so I am at a loss here too. I understand we need to find that out. I agree that this type of infidelity is much different than a affair, as there are no feelings of attachment to another person. As for the housing situation that's a possibility, I don't know what's best, kick him out or separate rooms. I have so much to think about :(

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