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ascian posted 8/13/2013 12:47 PM

It's been a flurry over the last two days as I check, double-check, doubt myself and check again. I've been doing what I usually do when presented with a crisis that's imminent but not fully here yet: overplan but only in private.

So on Sundays my family and friends have been doing group workouts via internet video chat, more an accountability thing (for exercise at least) but it's nice to have someone who can explain an exercise if you've forgotten.

I was in the basement, clearing space so WS and I (and one of our neighbors) would have space to move weights around when a chat window opens up on my WS's laptop, the one we usually use for the hangout. I'd intended to type in "just a sec, getting water" to let everyone know that we weren't quite ready on our end yet, but hit the scroll bar instead of the text entry space.

I can't say I'm happy at that, but I can't say that I'd erase the knowledge if I could.

I found a lot of texts between my WS and the OP (one of the exercise group members), including discussion as to how they'd been together a couple mornings that the OP had crashed at our place while traveling to and from a medical thing. Details that leave little doubt that it's more than an emotional relationship.

I'm pretty torn up right now, upset stomach and having trouble concentrating at work. I can't decide if I'm glad one of our kids is with the grandparents, and that the other will be in a day or so, or not. I need to have a talk with my WS, and to have it without having to worry about what the kids overhear or whether or not they'll interrupt, but I also really need to give them both a big hug right now, more for my own peace of mind. I think it's good they're at the grandparents' (or will be soon) so the WS and I can have a clear channel for communication.

I think I need to have the talk tonight, since I'm pretty sure that the WS and OP are planning on getting together tomorrow morning after I leave for work. I think that tonight is the night, but I'm not sure.

To be honest, in part it's because I'm scared to death, not of anything rational, just scared. In part it's because I don't know if I should speak to a lawyer ahead of that discussion. I want to make it work, to save our marriage, but does she?

It's been hell putting on a smiling face for friends and coworkers who have no idea. I'm not afraid of them finding out, I'm afraid of the WS finding out before I have everything prepared.

Tonight? Tonight.

k94ever posted 8/13/2013 12:54 PM

Is the OP married?

If so and you want to stop it right now, tell her and tell her now. Make copies of what you have found and give them to her.

And don't tell your WS ahead of time....just do it.


Personally I think I would come down with the "flu" tomorrow morning.


Blobette posted 8/13/2013 12:57 PM

Ditto -- or leave and "forget" your purse. If you can stand it.

ascian posted 8/13/2013 13:04 PM

Yes the OP is married, that's one of my...not "guilty" feelings but it's something that's going to make the whole thing even more awkward. The OP was caught by his wife, many years back, and given an ultimatum that it never happen again.

I don't really feel guilty for the consequences to the OP, though I'm sad that I'll be losing what I thought was a good friendship. I do feel sorry for his wife and kids, though.

Not that I'm going to pretend everything's alright, just for the sake of someone else's family. And I know the guilt is the WS and OP's to bear, not my own, it'll just take some time to know that with my heart and not just my head.

IC session (the first one) set up for this Thursday. MC resources are gathered. Hopefully tonight we'll do some serious talking and looking over those.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/13/2013 13:06 PM

You wrote your post in such a way that I had NO CLUE if you were the BH or BW.

I see you're male from your profile.

Everyone will tell you that before you confront, make SURE that you have TANGIBLE evidence.

Anything less, and the guily spouse will usually be able to blind you with confusion and doubt and make you end up thinking you were way off the beaten path - when you WEREN'T.

Just get all your ducks in a row so there's NO WAY she can lie her way out of it.

Sending you strength.

Jospehine85 posted 8/13/2013 13:09 PM

YES!! Before you confront. Speak to a lawyer. Do it today. The more you know of your rights and what would happen in a divorce, the less fear you will have. The more choices you will have.

Also, before you confront:

1: Print out the entire chat between WS and OP. Make copies. Stash in more than one location. Make a digital copy too.

2. Check the computer for emails, forward them to yourself to more than one email account. One of your accounts should be a new one.

3. Check computer for downloaded photos.

4. Check the phone bill.

5. Check your WS's phone. Looking for emails, texts and chat applications.

6. Check your credit card statements and bank accounts.

7. Get multiple copies of everything.

Once you confront, your WS will do what all waywards do... he/she will immediately start destroying all evidence so you will not know the extent of his activities.

Once you have a good idea of what the extent of your WS's betrayal has been, think about whether you want to stay married or not.

If you decide to R: Sounds like your WS had the AP in your home and probably in your bed, can you continue living there? Does the AP work with your WS? If so can he change jobs?

If you decide to D: Don't confront. Serve him/her papers tomorrow morning during his rendezvous with the AP.

I am so sorry you are going through this ascian. But it is very, very important to not confront until you have investigated thoroughly. I think there are many of us who confronted too soon, committed to R, WS destroyed or hid evidence but then are brains start to piece together the fact that there is more.

At that point, it is very overwhelming. We have lost our opportunity to dump our wayward with the most profound effect (with surprise), have committed time to rebuilding and are now caught in a situation where we have invested so much we feel compelled to keep go downing that route.

EVERYONE will tell you not to make a decision for 6 months, so you can decide when you are emotionally calmer. But I think what is more important is to investigate and get all info up front so you know what you are going to try and heal from.

Also, do not feel compelled to confront before tomorrow morning. Call in sick. Stick next to your WS. He/She will be forced to cancel his date with AP. That will buy you more time. In fact, tell him you want to spend the whole day with him. See how he reacts.

Good luck.

ETA: Do not tell the BS of the AP until you are ready to confront your own WS. Then tell the BS just moments before you confront so our WS and the AP do not have time to make up a story together

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 1:13 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

ascian posted 8/13/2013 16:26 PM

Sorry for the vagueness of gender in my original post (guess it's not a good idea to call that "the OP" here), I wasn't sure on the etiquette of that and opted to be somewhat general since it wasn't much harder.

Only 1 hour till work's over.
Only a few hours until the talk (with evidence, no worries there)
Terrified isn't the right word, it's more like the adrenaline dump right before a motorcycle crash or when you see a punch being thrown, but I'll maintain control and come out the other side stronger.

Williesmom posted 8/13/2013 16:31 PM

I'm sorry. You'll be in my thoughts tonight.

Breathe. Stay calm. Present only the facts, and don't tell her how you know. She may divulge more.

Good luck.

StillGoing posted 8/13/2013 17:07 PM

I remember that. Discovering that evidence that starts the dominoes falling. It was about a week after initial discussion about the A that had supposedly ended months before and had been all online, never met. I made a 90 minute drive in 45 minutes in rush hour traffic in NJ. I try to look back at that event and think:

"Holy SHIT can I fucking DRIVE."

Good luck sir. It hurts but you will make it through okay.

5454real posted 8/13/2013 17:41 PM

Good Luck. Keep your head. Inform the other BS moments before you confront. Do not allow them the opportunity to concoct a story.

Sorry you found us, glad you're here.

hotcoffee posted 8/13/2013 18:17 PM

Don't feel like you need to put all your cards on the table tonight. Follow the advice you get here, even if it seems harsh. You are in the right place ascian.

Chicky posted 8/13/2013 19:09 PM

So sorry for what you are going through.

One thing I want to add is if you find email communication and forward them to an email account of your own, make sure you delete them from the SENT and TRASH folders. Otherwise she will not only know that you know, she will also know your new/secret email address.

kickboxer posted 8/13/2013 19:41 PM

I'm impressed with your self-control and ability to gather facts before confronting your WW.

I found a text thread and couldn't keep my act together. We were on front of friends...I tried to be as discreet as I could, but everyone knew there was SOMETHING happening. Looking back, I wish I would have handled it differently...kudos to you for being able to keep your cool for a couple days.

I hope things are going "okay" as can be expected, at least.

StrongerOne posted 8/13/2013 19:50 PM

What Josephine said.

I'm so sorry you have to be here ascian. Wishing you strength as you confront your WS, and even more after.

ascian posted 8/14/2013 09:26 AM

Thank you to everyone for your good thoughts. Just knowing that there were folks pulling for me helped last night.

The talk went...well, I don't think that kind of talk can ever go "well" but we got through it.

She's agreed to NC with OP, to IC and MC, to go forward with our marriage because that's what I want and that's what she wants.

The hard work is just getting started, I know. And I expect a lot of ups and downs, but I'm going forward and so, I think...I hope, is she.

For those worried: I let her do all the talking, without showing my cards. She admitted to everything I'd discovered without prompting, but I still have hardcopy and other resources if things go worse than I hope.

Now that I have some mental space, I can do specific replies:

Chicky - I'm a computer guy by profession. Not only did I have them fowarded to one address, that one e-mail address auto-copies to several other locations. Had I suspected worse I could have even set up a "dead man's switch" to auto-email multiple people if I didn't take positive action by a set time (like visiting a specific web page, or clicking a button on a smartphone app). Thanks for the advice, though, and if there's demand I may put together a how-to on what I did once I've got a bit more emotional space on the whole A.

Kickboxer: I've lived with an Irish/Italian temper for almost 4 decades, so I have lots of practice clamping it down. Ultimately, though, I came to the realization yesterday that I wanted to save the marriage if it was at all possible. I know my wife, and yelling at, or publicly embarrassing her, or otherwise doing the "silverback gorilla" chest pounding wouldn't get me that. It'd just give her some handle to turn me into the bad guy, and I didn't owe her that.

confused615 posted 8/14/2013 11:31 AM

When are you going to tell the other BS? They have a right to know what has happened to their marriage..and they need to be tested for STD's.

They need to be told. Don't tell your WW before you tell his BW..otherwise she may warn OM and he will concoct a story that will make you look crazy and jealous.

Call emails or messages..OM knows you he is watching for any communication to his BW..and he will intercept it.

ascian posted 8/14/2013 13:08 PM

The other BS will be told. Friendship groups and kids' friendships complicate things, but she will be told.

But that's not my story to tell here. This is about me and my family, and how I move forward from this betrayal and get stronger. It's not "revenge porn" where I ruin someone else's life for public edification. So whatever happens between me and the other family, or the OP and BS, I won't be talking about.

I'm not here to be angry. That I will be angry is inevitable, but for the most part it's a barrier to what I want, or at best a way to break out of withdrawing from the world to avoid facing hard truths. It is not, nor has it ever really been, an ally to me.

confused615 posted 8/14/2013 13:13 PM

Well,Im sorry if my post offended you.

I was not asking if you were telling the OM's BW because I find it entertaining. NONE of this is about "revenge porn." My suggestion had nothing to do with revenge at all. Its about doing the right thing.

What you choose to post here is your business,of course. But you will get the occasional post where someone will point out things you may not have thought about..or might not want to hear. None of it because anyone here is "enjoying the show."

Im sorry for what you are going through. Im glad the BW will be told.

Good luck.

ascian posted 8/14/2013 15:08 PM

Sorry if I lashed out there, guess I'm not quite as controlled as I liked to tell myself.

I'm going to step away from SI for a couple days and start taking the actions I need to IRL rather than obsessing here. Hopefully the next update will be moving on a good track still.

confused615 posted 8/14/2013 15:14 PM

It's ok. I understand. You're on an emotional roller coaster. I get it.

SI can be a great place for support,understanding,and advice. We'll be here if you need to come back.

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